Urgh. Welp, this past weekend was a complete and total disaster. Here are a few things that rank on the same scale:

- Paris Hilton on Jeopardy
- Roseanne Barr and a stripper pole
- Richard Simmons as guest host of Hee Haw
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes having a baby

What's that? Oh. Ok, then scratch that last one, I s'pose. Now I don't feel so bad.

Anyway, since we're working the bullet form style today, let's list what went wrong. I'm even going to toss in some Batman sounds just for funs ... who doesn't love Batman sounds?

- I completely misread a situation and managed to tick off a woman I was hoping to date. I think. It's sorta hazy. Either I misread it, or she was really rude to me. I guess it doesn't matter either way ... when you end a conversation/argument with "have a nice life" ... yeah. Biff!

- I wrote out a long email to an ex ... yes, I was sober at the time ... unfortunately ... and got no response. Zip. Zero. Bupkis. Blam!

- I spilled my drink ... somewhere. Ok, I don't know this for sure, but I'm betting it happened at some point. Zonk!

- I spent a ridiculous amount of money traveling to Fed Hill and back on Friday night ... all so I could run into absolutely no one that I knew, or talk to any women at all. Toof! Ok, I'm running out of sounds.

It wasn't all awful. I had a great concert before I went out on Saturday night ... I even learned a couple of Peter Gabriel tunes. I managed not to fall down ... I think ... although I did walk all the way home from Admiral's Cup after the misunderstanding nonsense on Saturday night. That's a couple of miles, for those of you scoring at home. I did manage to keep my shoes on the whole way, though. I got some studying done. I increased the profit margins of alcoholic establishments across the city of Baltimore, thus improving the economy. Hmm ... I think I've been studying too much if I care about that.

Ok, so enough of the feeling sorry for myself nonsense. I try to save the unhappy stuff for the website so I can scare the hell out of drive by surfers. Besides, as someone said, time to cut the losses and get movin'. 'Course, there was also a time when I had to wake this person up at the bar to do shots, so ...

Oh, wait, before I leave that, there is one other thing that was somewhat comical. On Sunday, I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened, and I'm sorta vegging on the couch and staring through the TV ... which is fortunate, because I then realized that I had Cocktail on for about 20 minutes. Friggin' Cocktail! Are ya kiddin' me?! You know you've mentally checked out for a bit if you're watching that mess.

Ok, so it appears the new M. Night movie, Lady In The Water, is another dud. Color me bummed, big time. I love M, and I was pretty fired up for this movie. Eh well, I was the only person in the world that liked The Village, so I'll probably like it anyway.

Here's some good comedy. I get up this morning, feed the indoor cats, then go to the back to check on the outdoor ones. I look out, and I see this smaller looking animal drinking from the water from my backyard AC drain. I look a little closer and realize ... it's a rat! In the middle of the morning, in the middle of my backyard, drinking like it's midnight or something. Cripes, those things are bold in the city.

I have a presentation to give in class tonight. Have I ever told you how much I love giving presentations in front of people? Let's just say I love it as much as eating sushi and drinking beer in an ice storm with a stick in my eye on a Monday morning ... at the Aqua Bar. Ok, I don't like it much, how's that?

When does Tuesday start, anyway?

So, I was pretty sick last week, and I was out of work the entire time. Naturally, I got bored to death ... I mean, once Bob Barker tells me to spay and neuter my pets, it's nuttin' but soaps and Dr. Phil hell for hours. I decided to do some art with my camera. I'm titling this ...

With A Camera, How To Annoy A Slumbering Cat in 7 Steps






















Hmm ... I think I'm going to keep my day job for now ...

Hey, let's play a game! This is called Let's See Just How Screwed Up Jack's Head Is. It's a good game ... I think. If not, then go play Yahtzee or something. Yeah, Yahtzee! Dice, a cup ... what more do ya need? Booze doesn't hurt, either.

Ok ... hmm ... well, this really isn't a game, it's more of just an example. I guess I sorta teased you there, eh? I've been told I'm quite the tease, so ... uh, do whatever you want with that info. Where was I? Ah, yes, the LSJHSUJH game.

Right. So, I had an idea for something to put in the blog today, and I put it in my notes on my phone. Here's what I wrote:

Rabbit ears on pictures famous me

Makes sense, right? Um ... right. The beauty is, I'm not even sure what it was. I figured that out eventually, which will come later, but as I was trying to figure out what I meant, here are the things that went through my head:

- A Poison song ... thanks to my friend Colleen for that one ... cripes ... it was "Talk Dirty To Me", in case you're wondering and, unfortunately, it's still in there. CC, pick up that guitar and talk to me!

- I spent an inordinate amount of time debating which of two women was the better kisser. I really got into detail ... I thought about lip action, wetness, amount of tongue, movement of tongue, biting and the level of biting. It was also quite scientific ... hands and body movement weren't allowed to be part of the evaluation, just the ... uh ... upstairs action. It was fascinating stuff, in an incredibly ridiculous sort of way. And I think Tom Cruise is crazy. Eep.

- I stared blankly at Batman for about 30 seconds as he washed his head. Is anything funnier than a cat washing its head? Wash the paw, then rub it on the head, then repeat. Classic.

- This line flashed in my head: "that'll make your bull run." It took me another inordinate amount of time to figure out where that came from ... it's John Waters when he was on The Simpsons, which is one of my favorite episodes.

- I realized how much my leftover Chinese looked like the meal I made for the cats 10 minutes earlier. Fleh.

It's no secret that I'm not exactly the most focused person out there sometimes. So, when I finally came back from this haze ... by the by, this same haze is what allows me to have long, drawn out conversations with myself in my head ...

Hmm ... wait a sec ... just thought of something. Have you ever had a conversation planned out with someone, down to what you're going to say when they say something in response, etc. - and then they totally throw you off with the first thing they say? You know, you've been thinking about what to say, and you'll start with something like:

"Well, I think you're really overreacting here"

You're expecting a normal response, you've got your next response all ready, and you get:

"Um, do you know one of your ears sticks out more than the other one?"

Yeah. Kinda throws me off, too. Not the ears, fool, the other thing! Stay with me, here.

Ok, let's get back to what that means. I've forgotten it already, so let's copy and paste:

Rabbit ears on pictures famous me

I was talking to Camille about what I would be like if I was famous. I can't really even remember what some of the points were (which is too bad, cuz I think some were pretty funny - might have to come back to that in a later blog), but this was one I came up with while driving to a party today.

I think if I were famous, every time someone wanted to take a picture with me, I'd give them rabbit ears.

Yup, that's it. Told you I was a tease. I actually thought it was pretty comical, and I even had myself laughing out loud in the car visualizing it. I mean, just think if you met Brad Pitt, or Angelina, or ... um ... Snoop Dogg ... and they gave you rabbit ears. That would be awesome! A'ight, just call me Tom Cruise from now on. Nimbitz!

I watched Grizzly Man this week. I'd seen it before, but it was on TV this time. What a fascinating movie that is. Highly recommend it, although it's a little bit creepy at times. If you don't know, it's the story of Timothy Treadwell, who is the dude who basically lived with grizzly bears in Alaska for a period of time until ... well, it's not like I'm giving away the ending here ... he was killed and eaten by, you guessed it, a bear. Who woulda thunk it?! It's fascinating - there is some amazing footage of the animals, they delve pretty deeply into Treadwell's psyche, and they get some other people's feedback, both good and bad, on what he was doing. Check it if you get the chance.

And, baby ... talk dirty to me! Dag, I really don't like it when I get cheese stuck in my head.

It's official ... there isn't a better song than "Don't Change" by INXS. Now that I've figured that out, I can go back to my real purpose in life ... how to get paid for sleeping.

Speaking of INXS, that also reminded me of when I first saw them in concert. See, I was a HUGE Men At Work fan in high school. I mean monstrous. My junior year high school picture was complete with me wearing my MAW Cargo concert T shirt. It was also one of my better pics - I had the zipperhead feathered hair going and everything. I'm quite proud.

Anyway, so I'm all fired up to see MAW, and INXS opened up for them. At the time, I knew one song by INXS - "The One Thing" ... another fine little diddy. So, they come on, and completely and totally kicked MAW's ass. Michael Hutchence was just mesmirizing on stage - just an amazing presence. Yeah, I still miss the guy.

So, enough talking about myself ... let's talk about my weekend! Heh. Let's see ... Friday, I started the night off with a huge concert. I had a full stadium ... I'd estimate in my head there were some 50,000+ people there. I even saw a few lighters. Everybody sang along with "Runaround" by Blues Traveler, too. Ok, ok, I sang to the cats ... I think they might be a tad scarred from the experience, too. They've been giving me odd looks all weekend.

Speaking of the furheads, get this ... I'm switching them from dry to wet food, because apparently the thinking on cat diets has completely changed in the last 5 years ... yeah, I didn't get the friggin' memo, either. So, I figure this is going to be fairly easy ... cats go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over wet food. Nope - not mine. Both of the clowns turned their noses up. Gah!

Finally made it out to the Square, and managed to run into one of my Myspace friends who I had never met in person before. It was pretty comical. I have no idea why, but I thought she was pretty tall, but she's this petite li'l darlin', who looks exactly like her pics. 'Course, since I had been drinking for a few hours, she also had an identical twin standing next to her. Oofa.

I also learned yet another lesson ... never let Cherie pick the next bar. The upstairs at Claddaugh is officially too young for me now, although I did see the Lauren Holly look-alike woman, who gave me a very odd look. Seems to be a trend. Maybe it's because I've recently started wearing my clothes inside out. Gotta stay fresh, doncha know.

I split home a tad early, partly because the hot neighbor wanted pizza. I got skillz, people ... I walked all the way home with a pizza and wings, snacking on each the entire way, and didn't spill anything or fall down. I thought about making another pizza briefcase, but the HN isn't too hip on the brilliance of the pizza briefcase. Yeah, some folks just don't get it.

Saturday, went to DC to hang with some friends. Second lesson learned on the weekend ... when your cell phone screen is blurry, it's not so easy to send text messages. That's usually what happens when someone challenges you to a drinking contest via text ... like I need a reason to drink! Hello?! I'm pretty sure it was the phone's fault ... my vision after drinking for a number of hours is always crystal clear.

Got back up here to (C)harm City this morning, hit the gym for a workout, and had to stop myself from tossing crackers at least 3 times. Bleh.

As a bonus, it's perfect outside, everyone's at Artscape ... and I get to study. Feeblebeeble! That might be my new cuss word. I'm taking it out for a test drive.

I'm thinking of becoming a professional jump roper. I'm sure there's a job for that ... they have professional eaters ... don't even get me started on that nonsense. I have this workout ending thing I do - I put on this tune from the Trainspotting soundtrack by Underworld, then go to town on the jump rope to it. Not really sure why someone hasn't developed a class that would combine a couple of different things - bike, jump rope, aerobics, etc. Another brilliant idea, wasting away in my head!

Watched Leaving Las Vegas this weekend, too ... one of my favorites. Elisabeth Shue is just too hot for words in that movie. Not exactly a happy funtime movie, although it is a good drinking game movie. The game? See if you can drink as much as Nic Cage does without going to the hospital. Hmm ... ok, that's probably not a good idea, considering that at one point, he's chugging a fifth of vodka. Brr ... just got a shiver thinking about that one.

A'ight, it's back to the books ... yay.

Well, I'm on day 3 of not going to work because of this (cover your ears) *$%&^@*! sinus infection. It's been quite fun. What I've realized:

- There is absolutely nothing on TV during the day. Zip. Zero. Nada. Bupkis. I actually thought about re-upping the Playboy Channel, just so I could see a decent movie. Nightmare. It's so bad, I actually watched Cocktail. Um ... yeah.

- It's been close to the inside of a volcano heatwise outside. 'Course, since I've barely left the house in 3 days, I've barely noticed.

- I actually miss work. There, I said it. So sue me. No, I'm not drunk.

So, anyway, since I've been sitting around doing nuttin', I ain't got a whole lot to discuss. I do, however, have a tidbit or two left over from the weekend.

I've decided to simplify my life. All new women I meet will have the same name. I met 3 different women this weekend that all had the same name. It was fantastic. One of them, who was extra hot, even had the same name as someone I went to high school with ... which sort of threw me at first. Then, I realized that she's cool and ... well, I think I mentioned that she's hot. Heh.

Quizno's is on the Square, and it's open until 2 am. Just noting that for the record ... not that I'd ever go there and get a Turkey sub and Doritos after the bars close. Not me. Never.

I got the new necklaces/chains in the mail, and they all kinda suck. Gah. The white one is too bright, and the other two are too scratchy. Looks like I'm going nude until I get back to the Bahamas. Well, nude meaning ... ah, it sounds better just to leave it at that.

Cat Capture Weekend was a huge success. I was hecka worried when Mom cat didn't show for a day, but she was back in the yard tonight, and Pop showed up as well. Both of them don't seem to have a hard feelings over us having their genetalia operated on. I have to say, they forgive and forget a lot easier than me. Put me in a cage and cut off my munchkins, and you won't be seeing me again, fo' sho'.

Started my class this week, too. Why is it that there's always one yahoo that wants to answer every single question in class, and rarely gets them right? Oy. Fun part is, 10% of my grade is class participation, and I haven't said a word yet. Friggin' nonsense. In this world, you should get extra credit for being quiet. I know the answers, it's just more fun to watch Yahoo Serious screw them up.

Want to see a cool, underrated movie? Check out Beautiful Girls. Ok, ok, ok, I know it's got Lauren Holly in it. I mean, that's pretty much where I fell head over heels in love with her, so it's not like I need to be told this. Darian Smalls. Mmm. Well, actually I fell in love with her in Dumb and Dumber, but she looks even hotter in Beautiful Girls. Where was I? Oh, yes, the movie. It's solid, and there's a very cool tune by Pete Droge in the opening credits. I even ordered the CD just for that song, since I couldn't find it on any of the music downloading sites I frequent, and I haven't bought a CD in over a year. It looks like a fairly easy tune to play on the guitar, too, so I'm likely going to be adding some Pete to the concert menu.

Ok, I'm back to mainlining Airborne and sticking spray up my nose. What fun!

Yumble bumble ... Jacky feels like ... um ... ok, so I don't have anything that rhymes with bumble that means hell. I'm currently working my ass off drinking Airborne so that I can go out tonight. It'll be a game time decision.

Ok, first of all, Cat Capture Weekend has been a furtastic success. Spent today at the vets with the shorties, then at the SPCA with the adults. Managed to catch both adults, too. My neighbor (not the hot one, the other one) noted that she was going to hire me to cat her rats. Um ... yeah. So, pickup of the adults is tomorrow and they get released on Monday. The shorties are all currently hiding under various furniture in their new homes. Pipsqueaks.

Let's see ... last night's recap ... let's go to the notes!

Note #1
"Nice deck, dudes!"

So, I'm walking to the bar, and a couple of dudes that are on a rooftop deck holler down at me noting that I'm walking with a drink. I note that it's Coke (wink wink), and then I say the above line ... realizing a moment later that I have to enunciate one of those words quite clearly in order to avoid an odd situation. Ok, it seemed funny at the time. Let's go forward, shall we?

Note #2
"Two killer dogs"

On the same walk, I pass this dude who is a pretty big guy, and he's walking the two smallest dogs I've ever seen. They might have been miniature chihuahuas or something. Bizarre stuff. 'Course, they start barking as I get close, and I look up, chuckle, and note that they're a couple of killers. Friggin' tiny dogs. They also reminded me of Meano, the dog who pees when petted likes to bite my shin. Oy.

Note #3
"I don't have camera phone!"

If one more hottie texts me to ask if I have camera phone, I'm gonna ... well ... hmm ... ok, I'm not going to do anything, because what's better than having hotties text you? I actually considered getting it at one point just to see these pictures, but then I went back to my original point for not getting it. I really don't want to have any proof of what I do after midnight. I'm smart, I tell ya ... start believin' it.

Note #4
"Pull up the tube top"

Ok, I like tube tops. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of them ... there are other outfits I prefer, like short shorts and a sports bra, or an entire outfit designed by Victoria's Secret, or yoga pants ... mmm, yoga pants ... but tube tops can work for me on the right person. But, in my buzzy haze last night, I noticed that they seem to be a pretty big struggle for the women wearing them. I'm talking to this one girl, and here's the sequence ... drink, smoke, pull up tube top ... drink, smoke, chat, pull up tube top ... drink, smoke ... well, you get the idea. And that, folks, is the reason guys rule ... cuz we don't have to putz around with tube tops.

As for the night, it was a'ight ... the above mentioned issue with health knocked me out a bit. Ran into Leah Hot, but she was way too sober to flirt with me. Saw Miss Camille on the Square, but by that point, I had a Quizno's sub in my hand and was on my way home. It's kinda hard to go into bars with Quizno's in your hand ... might get mugged by hungry drunks. It also seemed that every bar I hit was around a billion degrees inside. It's a little tough to talk to women when you're sweating like Tom Cruise at a Sane People Convention.

Oh and I felt kinda naked without my necklace on ... er, chain. The new ones need to get here pronto, Tonto!

Check this ... I'm reading the City Paper, and there's a review of David Lee Roth's show, which is coming to the Ram's Head soon. At the end, it says something like dudes, you should leave your dates at home, lest they get stolen by DLR. Talk about your good humor, man. Here was my reaction:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
Ha
[snicker/snort]

I can tell ya this ... if I'm dating a feminina, and DLR steals her away ... an aging rock star who can only speak English if he's drunk ... he did me a favor, knowwhatimean?

Cat Capture Weekend is almost here. It's been a friggin' pain in the ass, lemme tell ya. First we were in the program, then out, now back in. Oy. Capture everyone tomorrow night, to the vet with the kits and the SPCA with the adults on Saturday, pickup the adults on Sunday, release of adults on Monday. Then I'll have my life back. 'Course, I start class on Monday, so goodbye life. But, that will give me a chance to use a favorite line, from Back To School:

Why don't you call me sometime when you ... have no class?

Ok, I think it's funny. Those that don't can sod off. Nimbitzes.

This is going to be a bit of a crazy weekend. Not only is it Cat Capture, but I've had a bit of a kooky week, what with the cat program nonsense and planning for class and other nonsense, so I might be a tad drunk. I warned a friend that I might fall down. He just nodded his head knowingly. Hmm.

There's this Running of the Bulls thing on Canton Square Saturday, which is basically an excuse for a bar crawl ... like people need an excuse to drink around here ... are ya kiddin' me? Plus, it's put on by Portside, which as we all know is my home away from home. Let's sing the Portside song. All together now! Um, yeah ... there isn't one. Make a note of that. I'd write one, but I'm sure someone would steal the idea. Buncha t'ieves!

I'm also going to a late night party in Fell's on Saturday, which means I might be at The Horse at some point. Last time I was at The Horse, the hottie I was with tipped Ed and Frank $20. I sure hope they're not expecting the same ... I'm not sure $20 for Weezer is worth it, and it's pretty rare that I carry more than enough cash for a pizza in the city.

Speaking of cash ... well, actually, this is a really poor segueway to credit cards ... I need to work on my segueways. Anyway. Where was I? Ah, yes ... I managed to lose not one, but two credit cards last weekend. Yeah, yuck it up. Odd thing is, as silly drunk as I get sometimes, I always manage to know where my cards are, so it's a little heinke. Cancelled both, and they're sending replacements, but I have to dip into the JV stash of cards for the weekend. Dust yourself off, boys, cuz you're going in the game!

Retro story time. A few years ago, we had this big all guy golf weekend thing. So, we were out yipping it up all weekend. On Sunday, we're at Looney's (aka The Bar Of 5s, doncha know), and the bartender comes up for me and asks me my name. He notes that they have my card from the night before. He goes and gets it, returns, and comes back with two cards ... the other was my card from Friday night. Well done! I'm going to take a bow now. Bownow! I like that! Guess what my mood is going to be?!

I was bored at the gym while on the bike, so I thought up some state slogans. Here we go:

Indiana ... Please don't let people know Jack grew up here.
Rhode Island ... we're not small, we're just ... ah, screw it, we're small
Delaware ... ha! told you Rhode Island was small!
Mississippi ... everyone's favorite state on Wheel of Fortune
Canada ... we're not a state, you moron
Mexico ... we wish we were a state ... instead, we'll just send everyone over in groups
Florida ... swamps, alligators, old folks, hurricanes ... what's not to like?
Vermont ... if it wasn't for Ben and Jerry, no one would care
Minnesota ... our name means "Holy S*** is it COLD" in some other language
Nevada ... shouldn't we just change our name to Las Vegas and get it over with?
New Mexico ... um, we're not new anymore, clown
Arkansas ... we're so uncreative, we stole Kansas' name ... um, and put an Ar in the front ... move on already!
West Virginia ... we wear shoes! Honest!

Ok, I think that's enough. Hey, wake up!

Burn, baby, burn ... disco inferno! Don't you wish you had my mind? That's what's cruising through there right now. In my mind, I'm doing the John Travolta finger point move and cruising the flashing tile dance floor in my white suit. I work hard on my hair, and he hit my hair!

Saw a preview for Clerks 2, which reminds me of one of the best movie lines ever, from the first Clerks, which I don't use nearly enough.

I believe in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

Problem is, I always manage to screw that line up somehow, which really kinda nullifies the whole idea. I mean, if you're going to hack someone else's humor, ya gotta get it right, eh?

Forgot a few tasty tidbits from the weekend:

- They are now charging a $5 cover to get into Colburn's after a certain point in the evening. I literally laughed at the bouncer when he asked for it. Well, actually, at that point in time, I laughed at both of them, since I was seeing double.

- I also took a trip to this new club called Kamp just to check it out. After I was informed that my clothes weren't up to par for the dress code ... naturally, they let me in anyway because I'm such a hip cat ... I then was charged $7 for a drink at the bar, which caused more laughter ... although I paid, because I can't be sobering up, doncha know. As for the club itself, um, let's just say that you shouldn't go there sober or drunk ... that one might take some thought. Moving on ...

I have yet another brilliant idea which I'll never get produced because ... well, I'm not really sure why. I guess I expect people to come to me when I come up with these gems, and pay me for my brilliance. I think I just hurt my arm patting myself on the back. Anyway ... it's for cat folks - a bed where each corner is a scratching post. No more scratched up furniture! You heard me. Moving on again ...

I'm about to spend around $40 on 3 necklaces ... er, chains ... whatever. Anyway, I figure since the Hot Neighbor thinks I'm gay, I should keep up appearances, right? Naturally, I'll find the old ones as soon as the new ones show up.

This just in ... issues with women plus too much heat makes Jack crumpy. In case you're wondering, crumpy = cranky + grumpy. It's actually a term better used when women are being visited by Aunt Flo, but it seems to apply to me lately. Women ... can't live with 'em ... ah, never mind, I'll always love women.

Speaking of that, I'm talking to this hottie in the gym, and I mention to her that I heard a rumor that she was single. Her response? "Not yet!" Wouldn't you love to be that boyfriend? Eesh. I actually feel for the dude ...

Oh, here's a question - I know that women like to mark territory by forgetting things when they come over to your house, but does a scrunchy count? I mean, they cost somewhere around 4 cents. I'm not really sure what to do with it, either. I mean, if it's underwear (yes, that has happened) or a shirt or something, I'll save it to return to them. But a scrunchy? Hmm.

Had to walk around outside some today, and I had a grey shirt on with my tie. If you weren't outside, it was steamier than a Jenna Jameson movie (not that I know anything about that), so naturally, I was sweating like a pig ... with a sweater on ... and a pair of pig corduroy pants. What was I just talking about? Sorry, just got a visual of a pig with a sweater on and cords. Anyway. So, the grey shirt got all splotchy. It wasn't pretty, believe me. The best part is, I don't seem to sweat in the usual places. Most get it under the arms. I get it in the crook of my elbow. Go figure.

It's quite possible I might pull all my hair out trying to organize Cat Capture Weekend. Sounds like they won't have enough vets, so Squibble and Blimpy might not get fixed. Oy. I can't wait to have another litter in the stairs! Grr. They're cute and funny and sweet ... when they're domesticated. As ferals, they hiss at me, make a lot of nasty messes (leftover mice in the heat ... yum) and spill their water bowl every ... single ... day.

Ok, enough complaining ... back to the MUSIC!

The heat was on, rising to the top
Everybody's goin' strong and that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say burn baby burn!
Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn!
Burn that mother down!

Just wait ... you'll wake up tomorrow morning and it'll still be in your head. Woot!

From the World of Weird Stuff ... or the WWS ... I know two women named Dale, and they are two of the hottest women I know. Just tossin' that out there to chew on.

Speaking of WWS, World Wide Suicide by Pearl Jam is the greatest workout song ever. I will not debate this. Thanks for playing.

Speakin' of chewin' ... women drive me crazy in one major way. No, it's not that I don't understand them or that they're bad drivers ... I do understand them, and I only know one that's a bad driver and she claims to be reformed (I'm afraid to ride with her again, so I don't know for sure if this is true). They drive me crazy because they flirt and wiggle and do their feminine wares things so that I'll buy that sucky mofo cardboard flap tastes like Roseanne pizza that's on the Square. Pleh. Pleh, I say! Ok, ok, so it's decent when drunk, but it's horrendous the next morning. Let's just move on, cuz I'm working myself into a lather.

Ok, I'm sure you're all sitting on pins and needles waiting for the birthday night blog. First of all, let me just note that the Hot Neighbor made me a huge cake, with two layers, M&Ms, Reese's and it's chocolate. Eep. Naturally, in my head, I'm adding up the calories and trying to figure out how I can eat the whole thing and burn it all off at the same time. I figure if I start jogging now, I should have it off by fall. So, who needs cake?! Did I mention it's chocolate?

To the night. Started at the Bay Cafe, naturally. Here's the fun. So, it's 2 for 1 drinks on Friday night, which is usually bad enough in itself, but last night, everyone's buying me drinks for my birthday as well. Wow. I think I was seeing quadruple before the sun went down. Believe me ... seeing quadruple at the Bay Cafe isn't always a good thing, depending on who is in front of you.

A quick aside, speaking of quadruple. One of my notes from the night - "Paris Hilton girls". Four women at the BC, all working on their Paris impressions. I thought there was a contest going on or something. Have I mentioned how much I dislike Paris? I have? Ok, well, then let's just get on with it.

After the BC, we headed to Granite for some food. See, once I start drinking, I don't eat. Yeah, I know, part of the problem and all that, but it just slows me down. So, my peeps are eating and I'm bouncing around the bar talking to women ... in general, being an annoyance ... but I do manage to find both Chrissy Hot and Leah Hot in the corner. Bingo!

Next stop ... The Ritz. You heard me. For those that don't know, The Ritz is a ... uh ... gentleman's club. Eh, we're all adults here ... it's a strip club! Here's the thing. If I'm with a hottie, I totally love strip clubs. When I'm by myself or not with a female, they suck. Suck, I say. Just not my thing. The whole time we're there, I'm thinking about the "real" women I could be hitting on at the "normal" bars. It didn't really help that one of the dancers reminded me of an ex, either. Never a good thing.

So, we split, head back to the Square, I run into CH and LH again, stumble around the Square for a bit and find myself in Portside near the end of the night. Yeah, I know, I left some stuff out there. Know why? Cuz I can't remember it! Wonderful. At Portside, Bo decides to give me a shot for my birthday. He tries real hard to get me to drink Grand Marnier, but I managed to avoid that and stick with vodka. LH and a friend came very, very, very close to getting me on the dance floor. I think I was actually standing on it at one point, but I basically dance like Fonzie ... which means I stand there and allow women to dance around me. That's not necessarily a bad idea, either.

You know it's an interesting night when it's 3 in the morning and you're throwing pebbles at someone's window. I'm not really sure why I didn't use the cell phone to call her, either. Eh, what's more romantic than rock throwing?

Last night was a jumble bumble. I managed to lose my favorite necklace, have a late night chicken salad sandwich (you read that right), and at one point I was ... well, we'll let the text I received explain it:

"Put your shoes on right now! And get on the sidewalk! Where are you?"

Indeed. I think I'm just going to let that one sit there. Is there really a need to explain it?

Is there anything better than getting advice on women from drunk girls in a bar? It's best to get it from a group of girls, too, because there are always 3 types:

- the one who was recently dumped, hates men, and will go off on a rambling tangent about something unrelated to what you were talking about
- the one that's ready to get married and will say anything you want to hear
- the one that actually gives decent advice ... she's likely married or has a boyfriend and is usually way hot, to the point that you won't care about the advice, as long as she keeps talking to you

Mmm hmm. Now I have to go find a new necklace ...

Yippee + kay + yay = Yippeekayay! As my friend Pat used to say, TGIMFF! I'll let you figure that one out on your own. It's ridiculous that I'm this fired up for the weekend, especially when I just had 4 days off ... I'm sure my liver is happy about this, too.

Ok, so the secret's pretty much out - today is my birthday. I don't really care about birthdays, although next year I turn 40, which could hurt. You'll likely see me running down the street and screaming like Jessica Alba in Texas Chainsaw Massacre on that day. Mmm ... Jessica Alba ... mmm ... what's that? Oh, yes, birthdays. Sorry, went to Alba-land for a moment there.

So, anyway, I have two memories of birthdays in my past:

1) I was about 5, and my Mom threw this big party for me. I remember I had the most ridiculous pair of multi-colored striped pants on ... I think there's a picture of them on my website somewhere. I was always quite the fashion plate. Hey, my clothing influences were from growing up in the 70s, gimme a break here! I also remember my Mom took this one pic with me, and she looked pretty hot in it. Yeah, I'm not exactly comfortable with that thought, either. Let's move on.

2) The 21st. My friends took me to a bar, and everyone wanted to buy me a drink. Like an idiot, I told them to buy me their favorite drink, so I ended up getting every kind of alcohol imaginable. I remember shot #7 was a Prairie Fire, which is tequila and tabasco. Um ... yeah. Not pretty. I think I was lying on the bathroom floor somewhere around 14 minutes after that one. The best part was, I got drunk and sick so fast ... no hangover! That's also the last time I was carried out of a bar ... always a pretty sight.

Check this out ... so I'm at the gym on Wednesday, I do my full workout, no worries. I go to Sam's Club to shop for insanely sized things, and I twinge a muscle in my neck picking up some steaks or something. Pure brilliance. As if that isn't enough, I wake up, and it's all stiff, so in order to turn around and look behind me, I have to turn my whole body. I always feel like I'm wearing one of those neck braces when that happens. There's just no way to look cool when you have to turn like that ... and I'm all about looking cool, doncha know.

Aside time ... the first thing I think of when I see those neck braces is that episode of the Brady Bunch. You know you know it. I know you know it. Just admit it. That's right ... Carol gets into the accident, the old crank shows up wearing a neck brace, and Mike drops the briefcase behind him and he turns around. See? I knew you knew it.

Other gym stuff. I'm a big fan of women coming into the free weight area to work out. Quite frankly, the free weight area is a jarhead-fest. I mean, you couldn't get more jarheads into one space if you gave away free creatine, Red Bull and short haircuts. Anyway. So, there's this one woman in there, and she's doing one of those weird new exercises. You know, step up, spin around 3 times, touch your nose, wave your arms, cross yourself and step down. I dunno what they're called, but I see a lot of it going on. Problem is, she's doing this right in the middle of the dumbbell area, which is easily the most cramped part of the gym, so dudes are ducking under flying legs and arms. The next time someone actually thinks in that place, an alarm should go off.

I now know who Gnarls Barkley is. Saw a video for a song last night. I'm quite proud of myself. I also now know that he's not Charles Barkley's brother. Why, yes, I am white, thanks for asking!

I had dinner with this way hot chick last night. She's about 1/2 a foot tall, weighs about 5 pounds, and has these big green eyes. Cute tail, too. She's got 3 kids, but that's not really a problem. She's a bit high maintenance, though ... I had to cut up her steak for her last night. Women!

We put out the cages last night for Cat Capture Weekend. Have to get them used to going in and out of them. The HN swore that Squibs (that's my date girl) was too smart to go in them. Sure enough, I put one of the cages down, and she immediately runs in. Classic.

Ok, time to play the Weirdo, Stalker, or Romantic Devil game. There's this woman who rides the shuttle to Hopkins every day who is quite toasty. I saw her coming off it one day when I was walking to work. So, now, I try to plan my walk so I'm going by as she's getting off the shuttle, so I can see her. Ok, place your votes!

From the random news file ... I TOTALLY just watched the movie Valley Girl. Fer sure! Unfortunately, it was on regular old TV, so they cut out the best line. Randy realizes that Julie broke up with him because of her friends. As he's leaving the house, he shouts this classic:

"F*** you, Julie. F*** you ... for sure ... totally!"

Classic.

Check this out. I'm getting off the subway downtown the other day headed to a meeting, and this dude walks by, pats me on the arm, and says "What's up, white guy?" Um ... yeah. It's been a number of days, and I still don't have a response to that one. Let's just move on.

It's been a wacky weekend, so I'll do my best to recap. But, first, let's play Tips for Dudes! Sometimes, dudes just don't get it, and I'm here to do my part to set dudes straight. Dude! Two notes:

- If I'm talking to a hottie, I don't want to talk to you. I realize this is a confusing concept, but it's really not that complicated. You could be incredibly charming, funny, a swell Joe, hell you could be George Clooney! ... but, and this is important ... you're a dude! When I'm talking to the hotness, you talking to me does not help ... especially if you're telling me how hot she is. If I'm talking to her, I've already figured this out. Dude!

- Tip #2 is somewhat similar. If there are 2 or more hots on the dance floor dancing with each other, now is not the time for you to show off your dance moves. It's especially bad if you suck at dancing, and other than Denny Terio (that's right, I just referenced the dude on Dance Fever), most dudes suck at dancing. Well, they might be good, but ... and I realize this is a bit kooky ... I'd rather watch the hotties dance than the dudes. In other words ... get outta da way, fools!

The Dude abides.

Ok, to the recap. Friday started at Bay Cafe, which means I was drunk before the sunset. Actually, that happened 3 of the 4 nights/days this weekend ... I think I smell a pattern. The main thing I learned on Friday is that it takes FOREVER to dock a boat. I'm not exaggerating. Forever. Actually, it might be more accurate to say forever + 1. Basically, I spent more time traveling to bars than being in bars ... which does not make Jack a happy boy.

I did manage to run into Anastasia at some point ... she's the unbelievably attractive woman at the gym who likes to sing on the elliptical machine. Don't ask, because I have no idea what we talked about ... this was a good 6+ hours after my first drink, doncha know. I did try to set her up with my friends ... being a good wingman, doncha know ... so I've got Wingman Karma points in the bank. Apparently, I also left a number of messages about Quizno's subs. Yeah, I don't really know what that means, either. Did someone say move on? I thought so ...

Saturday, I was at the Bay Cafe ... again ... and I managed to run into the Bay Cafe bikini contest. Always an entertaining affair. I did have a bit of a quandry, though. Is it a good thing when the contestants spend more time hitting on your date than they spend hitting on you? One of the bikini chickies was in complete love with my attractive sidekick. Quality entertainment, that ... I mean, does it get any better than a woman in a bikini hugging your date? I don't think so.

Spent part of the night with Ed and Frank, then finished up at Portside ... well, Portside then the pizza joint then the dog park then ... yeah, things got a little fuzzy again.

Sunday was the Sabbath, and I rested in accordance with the rules of it. I can't even type that with a straight face. I did watch a highly cool movie which was recommended by Mr. Levi - Green Street Hooligans. If you like Snatch, Lock Stock, Trainspotting, Layer Cake and the like, go check this movie out immediately. Plus, it stars the British version of Brad Pitt. Trust me on that.

Mondays suck ... unless you have the day off. Woot! Then, they rule, especially if you also have the next day off. Double woot! Oh, and the only note I left myself all weekend ... and just reading it cracks me up.

"Guy walks into pole on bus - ding!"

Dag, I wish I could've captured the sound and put it in this blog. I'm on the bus heading downtown for ... you guessed it ... more drinking. I'm sitting in the back, cuz that's where the cool people sit, doncha know, and this dude stands up to get off the bus and walks smack into the pole by the door. DING, fries are done! I had a really, really, really hard time not busting out laughing, and I know I wasn't the only one.

My buddy Jim was guest bartending at Pickles. I show up at 7 when he starts. By 7:30, I'm drunk, I've had 3 shots, and it's still friggin' sunny out! Cripes. Needless to say, things got a little fuzzy after that. Maybe I should change my name to Fuzzy. Fuzzy Bedwell. Got a nice ring, eh?

Here's last night's map ... Pickles, Portside, Claddaugh, Looneys, Mamas, Portside, Claddaugh ... pizza joint! I also spent a decent amount of time at the park handing out slices and talking to a friend and his wife on the phone. Don't ask, cuz ... well, I'm sure you know the drill by now. I also saw Leah Hot and Kelly Hot, although I have no idea what we talked about ... I'm sure I was witty and charming as always. I think I managed not to fall down, which is always a bonus.

Cat update! Ok, so we're 10 days away from Cat Capture weekend. We had to take one of the shorties to the vet yesterday due to an eye infection problem. All is well now, though ... I get the fun job of putting ointment in her eye twice a day. As you can probably imagine, she loves me for this. Oy. Everyone has fleas, too, so they got that noise you put on the back of their neck to get rid of the fleas. More fun.

Hmm ... maybe I should use that stuff to ward of foolish dudes ...