Ok, what levers, buttons, and pulleys are the people in my head fiddling with that cause me to wake up this morning with a Fleetwood Mac song in my head? Seriously, I need some answers here. I feel like I should go get a CAT scan or something.

Let's start this off quickly ... new additions to the category of things you should never do:

- Send text messages while shaving. Seems like a no brainer, eh? Well, I've been accused of having no brain ... and I also have no left chin now. Bloody hell! What's the best way to get blood out of a cell phone?

- Ok, I have three cats. Is there any logical reason why I would trek to the bathroom in the dark without socks on after giving them catnip? Wait ... I forgot the kicker ... every time I give them catnip, someone hurls. I'm assuming it's a cat. Either that, or Lindsay Lohan is sneaking into my house after a binge. I think I just disturbed myself with my own thoughts.

Things I learned while on vacation in Myrtle Beach:

- If I have a couch, a huge TV, and the ocean right outside my window, I'm good to go without a word to say. Fuhgedaboudit.

- Amazing as this may sound, it's not a good idea to eat at a buffet restaurant that has a giant crab outside named Tommy who is wearing a sailor's hat. You'd think I would've known this already. Not so much. It's even better when the bill comes, and it's a good bit more than you expected it to be. Score!

- Cooking Thanksgiving dinner while drunk is great fun. So is watching football on TV with the ocean right outside the window. Did I mention that already?

- I'll pretty much eat anything pumpkin flavored. Insert your own joke there.

- My next house is going to have two kitchens. Oh, and the ocean right outside the window. I guess I should throw in a maid and a butler while I'm in dream mode. And lots of Pez.

- When in doubt, buy the big bottle of Captain Morgan's. The Handle.

- Rural South Carolina can be scenic and a tad scary at the same time. It's a fascinating ride. Kind of like a combination of a beautiful painting and the movie Deliverance. What a stunning view! You sho' got a purty mouth.

My monitor is on the fritz. It's about to blow, so to fix it, I punch it. I'm not kidding, and yes, I am that stupid. You didn't know that already. No more questions out of you! So, anyway, it actually works ... for now.

Dog breeds I'd like to see ...

A mastiff and a poodle ... a moodle!
A chihuahua and a pitbull ... you'd have a high strung little twerp of a dog that could kick some serious ass.

During the morning ritual at my house, the cats manage to work themselves into a complete frenzy when they realize it's breakfast time. Gotta say, it would be pretty cool if I got that excited about my meals:

ALL RIGHT! IT'S LUNCHTIME!!
[hiss at dude on the stairs]
GET OUT OF MY WAY, IT'S TIME TO EAT!!
[bump old lady out of the way in the line at the deli]

Then once I finished my lunch, I'd go over and start eating off of someone else's plate ... and make sure I lick it clean.

So, I'm showering this morning, and I generally like to brush my teeth while showering. Not to save time, mind you - it's more than I'm all about keeping my cleaning rituals to one big session so that I don't miss the reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard. Hmm, I guess that is to save time. Anyway, this morning, I tossed my toothbrush into the sink when I was done, and it popped out and landed right in the trash. If that isn't an omen, I don't know what is.

Your music recommendations for tonight (no, it's not Fleetwood Mac - you're a real comedian!):

"Missing" by Beck
"Once In Awhile" by Charlie Sexton
"Ballad of the Beaconsfield Miners" by the Foo Fighters

Seriously, we all know I have a huge man crush on Dave Grohl, and I know just enough about playing the guitar to ... well, since my simile/metaphor section is on vacation, let's just say I don't know that much ... but that's a great tune with some fantastic guitar playin'.