A recent note on my phone was this: Girl who smells like a hamster.
Yeah. I think I might just let your imagination run with that one. I couldn't figure out if she had cedar shavings in her pocket, or if she had spent all day on the wheel and eating pellets. Anyway.
Some brilliant gym stuff for your perusal:
1) They had this Corporate Wellness thing this week, which was a free service where you could get your health measures checked out - blood pressure, heart rate, sperm count, etc. Ok, I was kidding about one of those. So the title of this thingy is "Corporate" and it was held on a Wednesday from 10-2 ... when all the "corporate" people are at work. Hello ... McFly? Next up - a free health screening for strippers on Saturday at midnight.
2) This one trainer was training this dude, and having him do walking lunges with weights. If you've never done walking lunges, well, it ain't easy. It's a fairly athletic move, and it's hard, especially at first. I usually try to do them when I'm drunk just to really push the envelope and see if I can concuss myself. Concussions generally add to the buzz. Or so they tell me. What was I saying? Oh, so the trainer has the poor guy do them right down the middle of the busiest part of the gym. So, as if it's not bad enough that he's trying to do these and remain balanced, he also has to duck people left and right. Pure genius. I figure as long as you're giving him near impossible tasks, why not have him make Brittney Spears into a good mother and then whip up some world peace.
3) As if that wasn't enough, the same day, they have an obstacle course sort of thing set up ... that ended at the bottom of the stairs. I was just waiting for that saying about people, stairs, and slinkys to come to life. Naturally, the people using the obstacle course weren't the most athletic, either.
Random note: someone needs to hurry up and open a bar called The Pickled Liver. I'm just sayin'. C'mon, you know this has to happen. Why fight it? Give in to your liver picklin'.
Two notes from a wedding I went to this past weekend:
1) I was pointing something out to a friend, and I said "It's over there behind that dude." The response you don't really want to hear? "That dude is my Dad." Um ... yeah, that was a tad awkward. I played it off by calling everyone dude the rest of the weekend. The preacher wasn't amused.
2) Speaking of awkward ... you'd think I'd already know not to do this, but obviously, I don't. The bride was walking around the reception trying to decide whether to close the bar or not. She came to our table and this was the convo:
Bride: "So, are you guys going to hang out here for awhile, or what?"
Me: "Yeah! There's free booze!"
Bride: [silent]
Rest of table: [awkwardly silent]
Me: [slugging down drink in order to get a fresh one before the bar closes]
The reason I should already know not to do that is it's the reason I've been banned from Bermuda. Someone tried to ease my pain and tell me that no white folks were allowed anymore, but I found out that's not true. Eh, great weather, beaches, an island getaway that's only a 2 hour flight away ... who needs Bermuda? Hmm.
There are a couple of bars here in (C)harm City that are advertising the experience of Miami! In Baltimore! Um. Yeah. The big attraction to Miami is (1) the women, (2) the weather, and (3) um ... the women? Ok, ok, the men as well, for those into that sort of thing. So, are the Baltimore bars flying the women in and bottling the weather and releasing it here? Right. Essentially, the "experience of Miami" means you get the same Baltimore people and places, but higher prices for drinks. Where do I sign up? Other similar ideas:
- the experience of Los Angeles ... in Kansas! Complete with complimentary boob jobs and liposuction.
- the experience of rural Georgia ... in Detroit! Complete with a complimentary noose and less teeth.
- the experience of Amsterdam ... at Amy Winehouse's joint! Cuz if there's one thing the Winer needs, it's more drugs, and easily obtainable ones at that.
Speaking of drinks, the bar at my gym starts again this Saturday. Yup, you read that right ... a bar ... at my gym. I've written about this before, but there are few things better than riding my bike to the gym on Sunday morning and dodging beer bottles, cigarette butts, and someone's lost cookies on the way in. I guess that's better than my previous gym. Rumor has it they shot porn movies in there after it closed. I believe the proper response to that is "ick" ... talk about needing a free health screening at your gym ...
One final tip. If you're attending an event for the SPCA ... an organization whose main objective is to get people to spay/neuter your pets ... don't bring your un-neutered dog to it.
Yeah. I think I might just let your imagination run with that one. I couldn't figure out if she had cedar shavings in her pocket, or if she had spent all day on the wheel and eating pellets. Anyway.
Some brilliant gym stuff for your perusal:
1) They had this Corporate Wellness thing this week, which was a free service where you could get your health measures checked out - blood pressure, heart rate, sperm count, etc. Ok, I was kidding about one of those. So the title of this thingy is "Corporate" and it was held on a Wednesday from 10-2 ... when all the "corporate" people are at work. Hello ... McFly? Next up - a free health screening for strippers on Saturday at midnight.
2) This one trainer was training this dude, and having him do walking lunges with weights. If you've never done walking lunges, well, it ain't easy. It's a fairly athletic move, and it's hard, especially at first. I usually try to do them when I'm drunk just to really push the envelope and see if I can concuss myself. Concussions generally add to the buzz. Or so they tell me. What was I saying? Oh, so the trainer has the poor guy do them right down the middle of the busiest part of the gym. So, as if it's not bad enough that he's trying to do these and remain balanced, he also has to duck people left and right. Pure genius. I figure as long as you're giving him near impossible tasks, why not have him make Brittney Spears into a good mother and then whip up some world peace.
3) As if that wasn't enough, the same day, they have an obstacle course sort of thing set up ... that ended at the bottom of the stairs. I was just waiting for that saying about people, stairs, and slinkys to come to life. Naturally, the people using the obstacle course weren't the most athletic, either.
Random note: someone needs to hurry up and open a bar called The Pickled Liver. I'm just sayin'. C'mon, you know this has to happen. Why fight it? Give in to your liver picklin'.
Two notes from a wedding I went to this past weekend:
1) I was pointing something out to a friend, and I said "It's over there behind that dude." The response you don't really want to hear? "That dude is my Dad." Um ... yeah, that was a tad awkward. I played it off by calling everyone dude the rest of the weekend. The preacher wasn't amused.
2) Speaking of awkward ... you'd think I'd already know not to do this, but obviously, I don't. The bride was walking around the reception trying to decide whether to close the bar or not. She came to our table and this was the convo:
Bride: "So, are you guys going to hang out here for awhile, or what?"
Me: "Yeah! There's free booze!"
Bride: [silent]
Rest of table: [awkwardly silent]
Me: [slugging down drink in order to get a fresh one before the bar closes]
The reason I should already know not to do that is it's the reason I've been banned from Bermuda. Someone tried to ease my pain and tell me that no white folks were allowed anymore, but I found out that's not true. Eh, great weather, beaches, an island getaway that's only a 2 hour flight away ... who needs Bermuda? Hmm.
There are a couple of bars here in (C)harm City that are advertising the experience of Miami! In Baltimore! Um. Yeah. The big attraction to Miami is (1) the women, (2) the weather, and (3) um ... the women? Ok, ok, the men as well, for those into that sort of thing. So, are the Baltimore bars flying the women in and bottling the weather and releasing it here? Right. Essentially, the "experience of Miami" means you get the same Baltimore people and places, but higher prices for drinks. Where do I sign up? Other similar ideas:
- the experience of Los Angeles ... in Kansas! Complete with complimentary boob jobs and liposuction.
- the experience of rural Georgia ... in Detroit! Complete with a complimentary noose and less teeth.
- the experience of Amsterdam ... at Amy Winehouse's joint! Cuz if there's one thing the Winer needs, it's more drugs, and easily obtainable ones at that.
Speaking of drinks, the bar at my gym starts again this Saturday. Yup, you read that right ... a bar ... at my gym. I've written about this before, but there are few things better than riding my bike to the gym on Sunday morning and dodging beer bottles, cigarette butts, and someone's lost cookies on the way in. I guess that's better than my previous gym. Rumor has it they shot porn movies in there after it closed. I believe the proper response to that is "ick" ... talk about needing a free health screening at your gym ...
One final tip. If you're attending an event for the SPCA ... an organization whose main objective is to get people to spay/neuter your pets ... don't bring your un-neutered dog to it.
posted by AxnJxn at 5:16 PM
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