Boyz N, Columbia, pee stories
Current mood: snackalicious

So, I watched most of Boyz N The Hood last night, which always screws up my vocabulary for a few days. I find myself calling everyone "G", as in "What up, G?", and cussing a lot more. Since I live alone with 2 cats, that can be a bit odd.

"Oh, you want some mofo food?"
"What up, G? Is the mofo litter box full?"

That sorta thing. The doctors in my office aren't too keen on being called "G", either, so I have to temper it. Always good to watch it just before a weekend, so you can wear it out on people you don't know. Women in bars loved to be called "G".

Well, Steph is out on Survivor. I lost my friggin' eye candy. Good thing is, she'll be all cleaned up on the jury now. Yahoo! Found out she lives in Philly, too. Road trip!

Weezer is on HFS right now. Have I told you I'm friends with Weezer? Well, in myspace world, we are good pals. Say it ain't sooooo ...

I'm being dragged to Columbia tonight to see a Led Zep cover band. Now, if you've never been to Columbia, and you're being dragged there, jump out of the car. I'm not kidding. I don't care how fast it is traveling, it's worth the medical bills not to go there. I used to live there, and it couldn't be more boring. As a cherry on the sundae, I won't be able to drink, since I have to drive back (it's about a 20 minute trip). Magnifique! So, Friday is pretty much shot to hell. Maybe I'll try out obnoxious pick up lines on women just for laughs. Did you wash your jeans in Windex? Cuz I can see myself in them. You know, that sorta thing.

So, I'm in the john the other day takin' a whizz, and this guy comes in and starts using the urinal next to me. He manages, somehow, to hit himself right in the shoe. Now, dude seemed to be pretty sober to me, so I thought it was a little odd, but whatever. We hit the sinks to wash up, and he mentions it and we start laughing. We then get into stories on that ilk. I told him about the time I dropped my keys in there and had to fish them out, and he related a similar story where he dropped his glasses in there. I didn't really drop my keys in there, but I wanted him to feel like he wasn't alone, ya know? Nuttin' like bonding in the men's room.

Along similar lines, we were at Pickle's one night, and it was kinda slow. In the men's room, the urinal had backed up and was full of ... well, you know ... piss n vinegar, as it were. Used beer. So, I thought it'd be a good idea to see how many dollars you had to put in there before someone would fish them out. The answer? Four. Four bucks to go digging around in pee. Sweet! The moral? Never put your money where your mouth is ... you don't know where that money has been! Hmm ... I could change a stripper's entire night with that information. Eh, may as well save it for now ...

Happy weekend to ya'll!

Blog Song, lazy spin class instructors, cleverity
Current mood: DRIFTY!

Ok, sing the Blog Song along with me! Ready?

It's Blog, it's blog, it's fun, it's a wonderful toy
It's Blog, it's blog, it's fun for a girl and a boy

Hmm. I think the Slinky folks might be contacting me soon. Or maybe they'll just send their lawyer over to rough me up. If I hear "this here's the Slinky lawyer! Open up!" at the front door at any point this week, I'm going out the back door. I'll let the cats deal with that dude.

Cats are actually pretty good negotiators, until the can of tuna fish shows up. Then, they totally cave. Silly felines.

So ... anyway ... it's Thursday, which is one day away from Friday, which is the weekend, doncha know. Now, one of our research assistants asked me the other day if I work for the weekend. Um, DUH! I mean, I like my job, but even if I loved my job, I don't think I'd like it better than:

1) petting cats
2) the endorphine rush after a good workout
3) women (actually, that should probably be first, but I'm trying to be discreet)
4) riding my bike on the waterfront at the end of a perfect day
5) waking up and listening to the rain
6) hearing your favorite song (currently "Mr Brightside" by The Killers) at your favorite bar just as the buzz is kickin' in
7) eatin' food
8) cookin' food
9) um, food
10) did I mention women yet?

Ok, so the point is, there are tons of things I'd prefer to do instead of working. So, I like my job, but I love my life. Kinda like "love your pets, just don't LOVE your pets".

Ok, I have no idea if that made any sense, or what the point of it was.

Someone stole my lunch at work yesterday. So, mystery co-worker, I hope you enjoyed my 2-day old fajita wrap that I made at home and brought to work. Just to let you know, I was probably scratching something on myself as I was making it, and I usually lick everything before I package it up. That'll learn 'em to take my food. Eh, it's more than likely that the housekeeping people tossed it, but it's more funny this way ... at least in my mind.

My word of the day ... cleverity. I'm pretty sure I just made that up, although Google seems to pull some sites up that use it. Guess I should've patented it, but I'm not even sure what I want it to mean. Never mind.

So, I gave my spin class instructor the business yesterday. She drove all of 3 blocks to get to the gym - she passed me on my bike on the way. WTF? I asked her if she was going to drive her dog to the dog park later, which is 2 blocks away. She laughed, and then added another 10 minutes to the class. D'oh!

Another new word ... drifty! Eat a lot of MSG, then try to work. You'll understand what it means.

Best of luck to my friend Karen in the Kinetic race. Apparently, she's going as a cowgirl. Insert your own joke here. Hopefully, you won't be racin' in the rain!

Face lickin' ... 'nuff said ...
Current mood: Um, do you have to guess at my mood on Monday?

Ok, I've got a rant or two today, but we'll keep it kinda light before I get to that. So, since I promised Miss Cherie that I would do this, I have to post this hilarious part of a text message she sent me. Here 'tis

...btw my date last nite licked my face i am never dating again stop laughing

So, I've just recently stopped laughing from that one. Apparently, it was a FULL face lick, too. I mean, what's hotter than that? Heh.

As for the rest of the weekend, it was the usual shenanigans. Visited a total of 9 establishments in two nights, which is actually pretty low for me. I'm very proud of myself ... maybe I'm turning over a new leaf! Nah. One minor highlight was watching one of my spin class instructors fire up cig after cig in one of the bars. I mean, I think she had smoke coming out of her ears at one point. I take her class tonight ... stay tuned.

One other comical thing ... I went out for drinks with some of our research assistants on Friday. So, I met them about an hour after they got to the bar, and one of them couldn't even see me when I got there, he was so drunk. Of course, being the responsible adults they are, they continued to buy him drinks until he had to be carried out of the bar. Beautiful. I'd imagine his Saturday morning was not so good.

I also tried out something new this weekend - this stuff called Chaser, which is supposed to help with hangovers. It seemed to work ok, but it took me a long time to catch a buzz on Friday. I'm not sure that's the effect I was looking for.

Ok, now for the rants:

1) Do not believe everything you read on the Internet. There isn't a place that makes bonsai kittens, Bill Gates is not going to send you money for forwarding an email, and you're not going to die if you don't re-post a bulletin. Jeez, people, how dense can ya get?

2) Along those lines, an electronic device like a computer isn't spiritual. If you really believe in the karma of a computer, and that you'll receive spiritual goodies just for forwarding something, you need to get back in touch with what spirituality is all about.

3) Idiot move at the gym. I'm doing a set of something, and some guy decides to stand right between me and the mirror. Now, I don't really care about the mirror part - I'm experienced enough to know my form is good, and I already know I look good (heh, just kiddin'). But, I don't want to look at YOU while I'm doing my workout, dumbass. If you're female and attractive, that's a different story. Get out of the way!

4) With respect to the above, that's probably my gay magnet working again. This is the first weekend in 2 months that I haven't gotten hit on by a guy. Now, THAT, I am proud of. Not sure what I did differently, but I'm going to keep doing it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

A'ight, that's enough for now. Hope you're enjoying your Monday ... bleh.

6 am, American History X, giving rides to solitary Hispanic women
Current mood: it's friggin' 6 am!

That's right, peeps, it's 6 friggin' o'clock in the morning, and I'm awake. How incredibly idiotic is that? I feel like the milkman, if they still had milkmen (milkpersons? milkpeople?). Ok, it's too early to make any any analogies that are either (1) funny, (2) logical, or (3) funny and logical.

Here's a fine question to find out if you're an optimist or a pessimist. If you buy a $2 lottery card and win $2, are you happy, or sorta bummed? To me, that's just a pain in the ass. Either give me big bucks, or nuttin'.

I caught part of American History X last night. If you want to see Ed Norton Jr. at his absolute finest (and he's also pretty buff in this flick, ladies), check out this film. A really interesting look at racism, and the effect it has on an average American family. I've seen it a number of times, and can't find a single thing wrong with it. Brilliant stuff. From what I've heard, ol' Ed pulled a major power play in the editing, too, so much so that the director quit the movie.

Speaking of effect, I have no idea what the difference is between effect and affect. I've even looked it up a couple of times, and still can't figure it out. That's right, I went to a state university.

If you watch Survivor, Stephanie has moved to the top of the hottest Survivor ever list. I'm almost hoping she gets voted off, just so I can see her all cleaned up every week on the jury. Woofah.

So, how quickly did Ben Affleck's career go in the tank? Was it the J-Lo effect? ... affect? Whatever. He is good and landing the hot women and marrying them for a few months, I will say that, although I was never a big J-Lo fan. Jennifer Garner, however ... that's good stuff. So, Ben gets a pass on his career just for that. Which is a good thing, because his career ... eesh. Did you see Jersey Girl? I've never wanted two hours of my life back more than after that mess.

John Mellencamp is touring with John Fogerty this summer, and I'm there. Just a tremendous pairing. If you haven't ever seen JCM, and like any of his music, get there.

Is there anything more unnerving than seeing a car headed the wrong way down a one-way street coming right at you? There are a number of explanations that pop into one's head in this situation, and roughly 98.7% of them are bad.

It's early, and I have "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day in my head (Why? Like I have any friggin' idea! Stupid head!).

Here's my weird "I'm a naive dope sometimes" story of the week. I took the bus to the O's game on Monday. When I got off it on the way back, I was walking home, and I heard an "excuse me" from behind. I turned around, and there was this young lady walking behind me. She explained that she was new in town, and asked if she could walk with me.Now, I don't live in a horrible neighborhood, but it's fairly close to some bad stuff. That's just the city ... one block, it's white bread and smiles, the next block, Crack City. So, I asked her where she was headed, and she told me the address, which is essentially Crack City Central, and was also a good 10 blocks from where she had gotten off the bus.

Turns out, she spoke very little English, so we took some time trading my broken Spanish with her broken English. Think of a cat conversing with a dog in Yiddish, and you get the idea. Man, this story is getting long. Anyway, I explained the situation, how it probably wasn't the brightest idea to be bopping around the neighborhoods by yourself at night, especially if you're a female walking alone, and especially if there's a chance you could get lost, and offered to give her a ride. She accepted.

So, I drove her to this Royal Farms where her friend worked and dropped her off, and that's the last I saw of her. That's pretty much the end of the story ... hmm ... maybe I should make something up, like her pimp started chasing me, or we fell madly in love and are getting married tomorrow. The story kinda lacks some punch, eh? But, I figure I get my good samaritan award for the week, and didn't get a single bullet hole in my car. I'm 2 for 2.

A'ight, peeps, have a great weekend, and do everything I would do! That'll spice up your life!

Beck, lameness, and cat hunts
Current mood: have to pee

Hey, it's Thursday, which means it's almost the weekend, and Survivor is on tonight. Cheers! Unfortunately, I also get to do laundry and clean my house. Jeers.

I've been listening to the new Beck CD, and it's just phenomenal. Kind of a return to the Odelay sound, but maybe a touch mellower. The dude is just one of the more creative people out there in the music business. He's done a number of different sounds, and all of them well. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but check out the song "Debra" sometime. It's lyrically hilarious, and you'll be amazed at his voice in it.

So, since I'm generally about 6 months behind on discussing movies, I'm ready to talk about the Motorcyle Diaries. Who's in?

Britney Spears' career is at 14:50 and counting. B-bye. Oh, and her IQ is at 14 and counting. I read an absolutely brilliant quote from her about parenting. She's my new hero, when I'm in a "the world's going to end for this reason" sort of mood.

For whatever reason, I can only make it through about 1/2 a season of the Real World before I quit it. Getting older doesn't really suck in my world - I'm very much ok with my age - but I just can't relate to these damned kids anymore. Now, where's my walker and my Metamucil?

Is there anything worse than pulling up to a light, seeing a hot woman in the car next to you, and having something lame like Paul Simon on the radio? Heh. I like me some Paul Simon, but it's a guilty pleasure, doncha know. Best to listen to it with the windows rolled up. Then you can crank it and sing along like an idiot. Slip slidin' away ...

My friend who is a house music/DJ/whatever you call a dude that plays tunes in clubs has just informed me that I like a lot of commercial club music. I'm sorta into Underworld, Alice DJ, that sorta stuff. I was going to inform him that I was only into it for the drugs, but figured that wouldn't go over to well in a professional office. ;-)

So, there are sooooo many things I could say about this cat hunt in Wisconsin, on both sides of the issues. I'm not going to list them all, but I would like to say that when you give some humans a license to kill, they generally end up doing things that are even worse. I might have to go into further detail on the website, and maybe I'll copy that back here. And maybe I won't.

Dunno about the rest of you, but I get a good deal of spamish stuff here. I have all these hotties telling me how cute I am and that I should email them, only to find out that they're just spammin'. Hey, if you're a HOT spammer, I can dig that. So what if you send billions of emails out and annoy the hell out of people? If you have a small waist and great eyes, I'm ok with that. Yeah, yeah, I'm a sell out.

Of Weezer and NYC

Hey, how cool is this ... besides Tom (who is a male slut since he's everybody's friend), I have some new guy friends. Yup, I'm now friends with the band Weezer. Say it ain't so! So, to all of you that said I'd never amount to anything, take that! Weezer! Weezer! Weezer! I think I overdosed on my dork medication today.

So, I went to NYC this weekend. You know, every time I go there, I always leave thinking I could've done so much more. Someday, I'm going to visit that city on my own, and see how long it takes me to get arrested. I'm figuring the over/under on that will be around 2 hours.

If I could afford it, I'd live there in a second, at least for a few months. The price of things there is just INSANE, though. We went and got drinks at a bar, 3 regular ol' drinks ... 30 bucks. I did a triple take at the receipt, and asked the bartender if that was in American money. We really didn't do a whole lot other than spend outrageous sums of money. We managed to get a table at Bob DeNiro's Japanese restaurant, which is apparently a big deal. The two women I was with were extremely excited about this, and my reaction was ... uh, ok, cool ... where's the bar? Apparently, you have to call exactly 30 days in advance to get a table, sign over your first born child, sleep with DeNiro, and make sense of the movie Magnolia to get in the regular way. Someone cancelled their table right before we walked in, so we were golden.

So, for dinner, I had chicken skewers and a couple of pea pod tempuras. The poor waiter - he kept asking if I wanted more, and I informed him to keep my booze glass full. Heh. I think the price of my meal was close to the GNP of Bolivia. I stopped looking at prices at that point.

After that, we went to a place called the Bubble Lounge, which was a pretty cool place ... if you're rolling and are on a date. We were doing neither, however, so it was kind of boring. The ladies had chocolate martinis, and I had the usual. I'd imagine my credit card with a $5k limit is maxed after that round. Cool atmosphere, though.

We hit a couple more bars, including a college joint that had a hilarious bartender named Barry. If you've ever seen the show Taxi, this dude WAS Jim Ignitowski to a friggin' T. Funny stuff. We left when he decided to kick out about 9 rowdy college boys. Damned kids.

My favorite line from a comedian I heard once ... New York is the only city where you can get woken up by a smell. Classic, and true.

On Sunday, we went to a Yankee game, which was cool for me b/c I'd never been to the Stadium. I decided to get some sun, since it was a perfect day, and took off my shirt. For whatever reason, I was the only person in the stadium with that idea. Weird. The couple in front of us were wearing jeans and turtlenecks, for chrissake. I spent the majority of the game annoying/charming the woman next to me, who was from California, but was in town getting the "New York Experience". I'm not sure what that meant, but I'm sure it's expensive, and may or may not involve getting shots afterwards. Luckily, she informed me that she had a boyfriend early on in the convo, so I didn't waste any of my good material on her. Heh. I'm just kiddin'.

After that, we went to a really good burger joint called Rare, and then headed back to Charm City, where people actually go to bed at a normal hour, and don't call each other "Yo".

Have I mentioned that I'm buds with Weezer yet?

Killers and Survivor

So, I'm currently obsessing over the song "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers. It's good stuff. I'm sure I'm late to the party, but whatever. Really good gym/workout song.

I just edited the ol' friends list to knock someone off. I think she was a shill for some poker site. That's all she ever wanted to talk about, online poker or threesomes, and she quit answering when I asked her about other stuff that wasn't sex or gambling related. I mean, gimme something else besides sex and gambling. Wait a second ... what the hell's wrong with me?!

Going to NYC this weekend. Should be a lot of fun. I'm always a little leery of going to a city that's called "The City That Never Sleeps." I always seem to end my nights on the AM side of 12:00, so I'm not sure that's the best place for me to be hanging out. Ah well, I love to visit that city. I'd never, ever, EVER live there, though. I'd be dead in a week from lack of sleep.

So, if you watch Survivor, you're cool. It's actually kind of interesting this year, mainly because this Stephanie chick that's the only one left from the one tribe is way, way hot. 'Course, if it wasn't for her, the show would probably be pretty boring for me. On tonight's show, they had to eat these duck embryo things. Nasty. I mean, NASTY. Bleh.

Apologies, dear reader, but this blog is going to be a bit short. I'm on the sleepy side of the keyboard, and need my kip. Big weekend coming up, and all that noise. I'll talk to you after the weekend, if I can survive it.

Opening Day silliness

For those of ya'll that don't know what Opening Day is, it's the start of the baseball season here in Baltimore, and it's a really, really, really good excuse to have a big assed party. Not that I'd know anything about that.

So, it all started around 2. Beeeeeeee ... eee ... eeeautiful day outside, and it was a really good day for girl watching ... if you're into that sort of sordid affair. My good friend Spill (that's his nickname, because he spills drinks ALL THE TIME) has a place above one of the bars by the stadium, and it's just a classic party every year. We're seriously considering renting the place after he moves out, just so we can have it for Opening Day every year. No, I'm serious ... we're seriously considering it. Seriously.

So, anyway, it was good stuff. 'Course, the first thing I did when I came in was to download this rip ass new song by the Killers called "Mr. Sunshine". Yeah, yeah, I know, it ain't all that new, but I just can't go to sleep without hearing it. I'm listening to it right now ... in my li'l noggin. I went and stole it, and tossed it right onto the PA. I'm hip like that.

So, the party was pretty much in full effect when I got there. Highlights:

- This li'l cutie named Tiffany who looks a lot like a li'l China Doll.
- Oh, I'm sorry, was I thinking out loud?
- Ok, so I met up with an ex from a few years ago. She cut off all her hair about two weeks ago, and ... well ... she used to be wicked hot, and now ... well, she looks a'ight. Jeez, I'm too nice. Ok, it don't look so good. Man, and I had dreams of getting back with that, too. So, the moral is, ladies, don't cut off your hair if you want to get your ex back. Hmm ... I should probably learn something from this, but I'm not that smart.
- I had somewhere around 350,000,000 calories tonight. Bleh. I feel like I ate Kirstie Alley, who ate ... um, whoever that chick was I was making fun of for being fat the other day. Whatever. I'm really full ... how's that?
- So, have I mentioned that I'm a gay magnet yet? Well, I am. I'm really not seeing how this is a good thing for a heterosexual man. Maybe someone can clue me in, cuz I ain't getting it. I'd prefer to lose the gay magnet label, thankee.
- So, I drank on Friday, had my own little personal bar crawl in Canton on Saturday, and am feeling no pain tonight. So, to top all of this off, I think I'm going to NYC this weekend, to the CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS. How good of an idea is this? I should probably pick a benefactor right now, and make sure my life insurance policy is paid up.
- Nick Drake ... "One of These Things First" ... it's just that good. Listen to it in the dark.
- Good night, my kings and queens of ... ah, whatever. I'm about to pass out on the keyboard ...

Do I look Jewish to you?

So, I've had two different people, in two different ways, infer that I'm Jewish. This is a new development, so I'm not sure what to make of it.

The first person was a dude that was a bit whacked who came into the Urgent Care area where I was observing. He asked if I was Jewish, then proceeded to tell all of us in the area that he was studying Hebrew, and that John in Hebrew is Mark. So, he continued, "John" Hopkins should be called "Mark" Hopkins. I thought about noting to him that "John" isn't Mr. Hopkins first name, that "Johns" is, but I figured he might have more fun in his own world, not in mine. It sure looked interesting enough from the outside looking in. Might need a bit of dusting, though.

The second person was more of a reach, but it still counts. I ordered something at the cafeteria, and the lady quickly told me that there was pork in the dish. Unless she thought I had some sort of pork eating disease or fear of pork (porkophobia? swineophobia?), I figured she thought I was Jewish.

So, I'm not really sure what to do with this. I hadn't even realized this was happening. I guess it's not a bad thing. I have some Jewish friends, and they're all pretty cool, so far's I know. I'm just curious what the Hebrew name for Jack is. Knowing my luck, it's probably Schmuck (hey, more rhymin' by me!).

So, now that that's over, let's get down to the real stuff. There's this tune on the Garden State soundtrack that I've mentioned before - "One of These Things First" by Nick Drake - and I went to get the guitar tab on it today. Well, it looks pretty tough, and I also found out that the dude was seriously mentally ill, and the song is from the late 60s. Turns out, he was extremely depressed, and even quit making music at one point because of his bouts with it. So, naturally, I went and ordered one of his CDs. We'll see how that goes. In the end, it sounds from what I read like he committed suicide, although his family won't allow that to be the cause of death. Interesting stuff, in a morbid sort of way.

Segueway ... speaking of that soundtrack, I also went and looked up the band Zero 7. Now, the song I like on the soundtrack has this chick singing, and she's got this really cool voice. So, I'm thinking she'll look like Poe, or Vega, or maybe even Ani DiFranco. Hot stuff, ya know? Well, it's two dudes. WTF? I haven't felt this robbed since I found out that C&C Music Factory were three people that looked like someone's parents. Frick. Turns out, Zero 7 used a guest vocalist on the song. D'oh.

A'ight, I'm out of here. This just in - it's FRIDAY!