Fuhgedaboudit! That's right, I went to Philly on Saturday night. Here's what I managed NOT to do while in the City of Bro Love:

1) Say "fuhgedaboudit"
2) Do the Rocky run up the steps of whatever museum that is while humming the Rocky theme
3) eat a cheesesteak

What did I do? Hmm. That's a fine question that involves some explanation.

See, my boy Mark is who (whom? like I care!) I went to see in Philly. Now, Mark is 6'2" or so, looks like he's about 5 inches taller, and is Philipino. He's easily the biggest Philipino I know ... which isn't saying much now that I think about it, considering that the next tallest Philipino I know was a dude named Carlos Carlos (swear to God) and he was about 5'2". Mark also is pretty comical, we can have entire conversations just involving quotes from the movie Snatch, and he managed to acquire one of the better nicknames of any friend I know. We call him the Stallion. Why, you ask? Well, the Stallion gave himself the nickname in an email one time, and no one was brave enough to argue. I might have to try out that technique.

He's actually quite the cool cat, and I decided to pop up and have him show me the town. We hit a couple of joints, and had a couple of drinks. Ok, I had more than a couple, but who's counting? We also found one of the finer inventions in the history of the free world. No, I'm not talking about the telephone or electricity or something dumb like that. I'm talking about ... hold on to your seats and hats ... the new Cap'n Morgan flavor, Tattoo! Holy bovine, is this stuff awesome. It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited! Woot! It's basically tastes like a grape Nehi. Tastalicious! Needless to say, I'll be combing the Baltimore hooch shops for this fine beverage before the weekend is here.

So, in the midst of all this hoochdom, I managed to notice a couple of hecka hot women in the Philly area. I had heard rumors about Phillychickians being hot, and the rumors are true. Now, the Stallion can be a good wingman. Key word there is can be. Hmm ... that's two words. Let's move forward.

Problem is, he has different priorities than me. Mine:

1) Women
2) Women
3) Booze

Stallion:

1) Food
2) Booze
3) Food
4) Food
5) Booze
6) Staying warm (he is Philipino, doncha know)
7) Women

Guess it doesn't hurt that he's attached and quite happy. Lucky Stallion! So, we're chillin' at this bar, and I'm trying to make eye contact with this mega hecka hot, and I'm also attempting to engage the Stallion in conversation. Unfortunately, about 20 minutes before, the bartender put a plate of wraps on the bar, which is within the range of the Stallion's peripheral vision, so he's pretty much MIA in any sort of conversation I'm having with him. Here's a general recreation of the convo:

Me: So, I think I've discovered the cure for cancer.
Stallion Thought Process: I wonder if those are veggie or if there's turkey in there.
Me: I'm thinking about getting a sex change.
STP: That certainly looks like turkey. I like turkey.
Me: I had a threesome with Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Connelly.
STP: Hmm. Are they free, or do I have to pay for one?

I mean, I could've been telling him that I'd won the lottery and we were flying that minute to Cancun to celebrate with Heff, Jack Nicholson, and the cast of Desperate Housewives, and he wouldn't have heard a word.

Fortunately, we did manage to procure one of the wraps for the Stallion. We didn't manage to procure the hecka hot for yours truly. Eh, 'twas my first real visit to Philly, so I should probably warm up to the city before trying to meet any women. Besides, the Stallion now has a new nickname ... The Wrap!

Friday was spent in the usual joints - Max's then to Canton Square. Since I had taken the entire previous weekend off thanks to my dumbass cold, I was primed to go. Unfortunately, the finest bar on the face of the Earth has suddenly become lame. That's right ... Portside has been taken over by dorks. I spent about 2 hours in there, scratching my head (among other things) and lamenting the loss of my old friend. I'm hoping it was just an off night but, needless to say, I'm having trouble sleeping with this in my head.

So, not only was I lucky to have a nice sinus infection last week and weekend, but I now have an extra added bonus - I whistle when I breathe! I'm tellin' ya, I just keep getting hotter each day. I was sitting in a class today, and trying to figure out why there was a draft in the window near me, when I realized the draft was in my own snout. Fabulous.

A story. Gather round, children. No, I don't have any Pez. Just sit quietly and pay attention. This'll be quick.

So, I used to work in this small office, and one of my female co-workers was talking to me and another male co-worker. She was telling us about how she had screwed up her ankle, and that she needed to find a brace for it. We told her to go to Dick's Sporting Goods to get one. So, after a bit, she walks out and into her office. We're putzing around, and suddenly we hear this from her office:

"Don't go to Dicks.com!"

Hahahahahaha.