I just checked the weather report for this weekend, and it's going to be awesome. In fact, on Sunday, they used the phrase "abundant sunshine". So, if you're one of those people that likes to use that whole sunshine/ass combination phrase (you know, something along the lines of "when the sun shines on my a-hole"), you should probably be careful on Sunday. Also, if it's abundant, the sun will apparently shine on the same dog's ass on the same day.

Here's what it's like to be me. There's this song by Pearl Jam called Last Kiss.

What's that? Yeah, I know, it's a remake of some old song, but I don't really care, because that's NOT FRIGGIN' IMPORTANT! Stop talking to me and move over there ------------->

Ok, so, we've gotten rid of the jackass part of my brain. That part always likes to say stupid, annoying things like "dude, that's a remake, Pearl Jam didn't originally sing that" when I'm trying to tell a story. Anyway.

So, in the tune, dude's driving a car with his chick riding along, and comes upon some sorta wreck or obstruction in the road, and according to the lyrics, he couldn't stop and "swerved to the right". They end up getting in some hecka crash, she gets killed, he smooches her one last time (hence the title "Last Kiss" ... see how that works? Tricky bastards) and then he's very sad. Stop crying, that's not the important part. Now, if he swerved to the right, wouldn't the collision have happened on HIS side of the car? Therefore, he'd be the one all f-ed up, and his chick would be the one crying. KnowwhatImean?

Yup, that's what it's like to be me. If you'd like, I can draw you a visual. Ok, jackass part of the brain, you can come back now.

Dunno if any of you are Christopher Guest fans, but I think his movies are pretty funny. If you don't know, he's done Spinal Tap, Best In Show, Waiting for Guffman, and A Mighty Wind. I haven't seen Spinal Tap (yeah, I know, I have to see it ... shaddap already!), but the other three are pretty comical.

Here's the problem, though. I feel like the world's biggest geek watching these movies. I mean, in A Mighty Wind, it's all about folk music, and I'm sitting there trying to figure out if they are doing real folk music, or just making fun of folk music. In essence, I don't think I'm smart enough to watch them. Maybe I should stick with Dumb and Dumber. Let's do some right now.

What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?
Not good.
Not good, like, a hundred to one?
More like a million to one.
...
...
... so you're telling me I've got a chance?! YES!

We went to the Secret Service Training Center on Tuesday on a sorta field trip. Don't ask why, just follow along. So, we got to take part in some of the exercises they do. Basically, they do these scenarios where they pretend a VIP is in some situation, and then they throw weird things in there to test the SS dudes/dudettes to make sure they know what to do. Wacko stuff, like someone giving one of those overly happy Muppit-esque handshakes or scary stuff like mace/pepper spray and that sorta lot.

Well, in one, the president of the Dominican Republic is giving a speech, and I was asked to heckle her. Me. I mean, I'm the least likely person I know to do something like this. Might as well ask me to torture cats. It was quite odd, but I think I did ok. I was acting pretty angry ... I pretended that I was watching Paris Hilton cashing yet another billion dollar check for ... uh, being a bimbo? Being a professional idiot? Not being stumpy? It sucked, because the lady playing the president was pretty hot. Ok, ok, she was hot from the shoulders up, but still. I'm not into heckling, and I'm certainly not into heckling hot women. No, Paris Hilton is not hot.

So, I'm listening to the new Fiona CD now. The first song is ... um ... very interesting. It sorta sounds like a TV theme show song. Weird. She gets back to normal Fiona soon after - angry about everything. That's how I like my women - angry, angry, furious and hot. And Scientologists. Who doesn't love a good Scientologist these days?

The new Sheryl CD is actually a'ight. I mean, I'll always have a special place for the Globe Sessions, especially since there are a couple of lines in there that fit me perfectly. But, this new CD isn't all that bad - she's still writing about tough stuff, which is good. I was expecting a song titled "Lance Is Purty" or "Ode To Bike Ridin'", so I'm cool with what she's done.