I'm telling ya, I'm a friggin' genius. I was at the gym last night, and I was watching Jeopardy and kicking TOTAL ASS. I don't think I got a single question wrong. Huh? Who cares if it was Children's Week. I rocked! I had a little trouble with the "Things that rhyme with power" category, but whatever. I would've kicked some ass on those 8 year olds.

So, the Foo boys are playing at the 9:30 Club, and DC101 is giving away tickets. Problem is, every time I call, it's busy. Get off the damned phone! I'm trying to win tickets here, and some intern is yapping away to her boyfriend. What's that? Other people are calling? Well, screw them, I need my tickets. Dag.

Someone posted this bulletin that had this formula where each letter of the alphabet had a value. What ya did was take the letters in your name, calculate the total, and then there's this li'l chart to figure out how sexy your name is. Ok, that's corny enough by itself, but my last name is BEDWELL. That's right ... 1 part BED, 1 part WELL. I don't think I need to do any calculatin'. I think I won the name contest. Where's my prize?

I watched a movie called The Machinist last night. It's a'ight - not great not terrible. The weird thing is, Christian Bale is the lead, and he's a complete stick - apparently, he lost a ton of weight for the role. I mean, we're talking Olsen twins stickly. It was incredibly odd. I spent the first hour or so just in shock at how thin he was. He did have some good abs, though.

So, a friend posted a thread on a message board I frequent asking for new slogans for scotch liquor. I think I came up with some good ones:

Scotch ...
... I once puked drinking that ... once
... peeling paint throughout America
... guaranteed to put hair on your yet-to-be-conceived baby's chest
... for that bleeding-from-the-eyes hangover
... you'll wish it had butter in front of it

I also came up with some other slogans along those lines. Here we go ...

Paris Hilton ...
... that mentally disabled kid Corky has a partner for Trivial Pursuit
... enough brain power to lightly toast bread

Old folk drivers ...
... turning left for fifteen miles now

Tom Cruise ...
... now with extra craziness!
... playing himself in movies for decades

College boys ...
... willing to have sex with knotholes and vacuum cleaners

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ...
... God's memo that you suck

Las Vegas ...
... Love, schmove ... we've got hookers!
... enough liquor, and you'll be dippin' into your retirement account. Trust us.
... stop harassing us with lines from "Swingers"

Peein' ...
... even more fun in alleys
... try it with asparagus!

The inner city ice cream truck ...
... now serving snowballs ... for $25 a pop
... we run 'til midnight, cuz most 5 year olds are still up