Yeesh. A'ight, people, so I've been on my back for the better part of a week now. No, I'm not hookin' (although now that you mention it ... hmm), I've been sick, thank you. So, not only have I missed a few days of work (yay!), I've also missed my entire weekend of idiocy (boo!). Hopefully, ya'll drank enough to make up for my loss.
Two quick stories from last weekend, since I didn't have the energy to blog it.
As some of you already know, I managed to send my cell phone for a little swim on Saturday. 'Twas quite comical, actually. I'm hanging at a party that a friend was having, and I got myself a nice roadie for the trip to another party. As I'm leaving, I've got my cell in my lap, and I'm cruising out of their development. See, I was trying to be considerate and not dial any numbers until I was in a safer area. Well, instead, I took a left turn, the cell zipped right across my lap and right into my drink. Yum!
Lessons learned:
(1) cell phones don't like Cap'n n coke, even if there's a lime in it and
(2) don't shake the cell phone to try and get the drink out of it - you'll just get it all over the car
Oh and (3) ... the seeds from the lime will wedge their way into the spaces around the numbers. That way, when you tell the person at the Verizon office that it fell into a glass of Coke, they can get all skeptical with you.
The phone came SO CLOSE to working after that, too. It was such a tease. It would come on, pretend to be charging the battery, then flash a couple of weird screens and die. I guess that's what drunk cell phones do, for your future reference. I guess that's kinda similar to what I do around 2 am after a night of boozin'.
The other semi-story is more of a theory. I've learned that when meeting women in packs, you have to be very careful about choosing who you're going to put your serious interest into in the group. I met a gaggle of women last Friday, and I was very interested in a couple of them. Unfortunately, the one I chose to hit on had a boyfriend. Lesson - always try to glean this information from the ladies BEFORE you start focusing on one. I pretty much shot myself in the foot with the rest of the pack once I zeroed in on an individual member.
By the way, learning from your mistakes, as in the above two instances, sucks. I'd much rather just develop a Bad Decision Meter that can evaluate my individual decisions and give me immediate feedback. I'm working on it.
So, to entertain myself these past few days, I've taken to doing lines from Reservoir Dogs at the cats. It goes something like this:
Me: You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. You're Mr. Pink!
Cat: [blank stare]
Me: Eddie, if you don't stop talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch.
Cat: [washes foot]
Me: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
Cat: [wanders over to the food bowl]
I guess the lesson here is don't expect cats to get movie lines.
I also watched a hecka cool movie - the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Man, there were some original mofo hijinks in that caper! I'm buying that as soon as it gets cheap. Good stuff.
I also watched the Playboy Channel for some time. Shocker. I pretty much learned nuttin' from my time spent there. I did watch this one lady do a very impressive headstand, though. Didn't look comfortable at all but, strangely enough, she seemed very aroused. I wonder if she was faking. ;-)
Oh, another lesson when it comes to cats. A closed door is going to cause you a great deal of grief. I was doing some work in the basement this weekend (working on the Bad Decision Meter, doncha know), and I had to close the door for a bit. Every single friggin' time I walked near that basement door, I got major complaints from the furball department. You'd think there was a case of tuna down there and an entire catnip garden or something. The lesson here? Don't have cats.
Other lessons learned recently:
- Antibiotics suck as medicines go. They are zero fun. They don't give you a buzz, they don't put you to sleep, they don't do Jack. Boring!
- I am now quite possibly the best remote control user in the universe. I got skillz, people. It's magic to watch me on the wand. Not THAT wand, the remote control one! And I'm flexible, too. I mean, I can handle any remote you throw at me - VCR, TIVO, DVD ... bring it!
- It was bitch ass cold out this weekend, so I did get a chuckle out of that. At least I picked a good weekend to have my head explode.
- The women in the movie Braveheart are HOT. Oh, and the blonde in Bend It Like Beckham is HOT. Oh, and there aren't any hot women in The Outsiders, which is why it sucks.
- My weekend was strangely about 10-12 hours longer than normal. The hot neighbor thinks it has something to do with alcohol. She's crazy. It's fairly obvious to me that the Keeper of the Clocks has granted me an extra 10-12 hours because I was sick. Completely logical.
Two quick stories from last weekend, since I didn't have the energy to blog it.
As some of you already know, I managed to send my cell phone for a little swim on Saturday. 'Twas quite comical, actually. I'm hanging at a party that a friend was having, and I got myself a nice roadie for the trip to another party. As I'm leaving, I've got my cell in my lap, and I'm cruising out of their development. See, I was trying to be considerate and not dial any numbers until I was in a safer area. Well, instead, I took a left turn, the cell zipped right across my lap and right into my drink. Yum!
Lessons learned:
(1) cell phones don't like Cap'n n coke, even if there's a lime in it and
(2) don't shake the cell phone to try and get the drink out of it - you'll just get it all over the car
Oh and (3) ... the seeds from the lime will wedge their way into the spaces around the numbers. That way, when you tell the person at the Verizon office that it fell into a glass of Coke, they can get all skeptical with you.
The phone came SO CLOSE to working after that, too. It was such a tease. It would come on, pretend to be charging the battery, then flash a couple of weird screens and die. I guess that's what drunk cell phones do, for your future reference. I guess that's kinda similar to what I do around 2 am after a night of boozin'.
The other semi-story is more of a theory. I've learned that when meeting women in packs, you have to be very careful about choosing who you're going to put your serious interest into in the group. I met a gaggle of women last Friday, and I was very interested in a couple of them. Unfortunately, the one I chose to hit on had a boyfriend. Lesson - always try to glean this information from the ladies BEFORE you start focusing on one. I pretty much shot myself in the foot with the rest of the pack once I zeroed in on an individual member.
By the way, learning from your mistakes, as in the above two instances, sucks. I'd much rather just develop a Bad Decision Meter that can evaluate my individual decisions and give me immediate feedback. I'm working on it.
So, to entertain myself these past few days, I've taken to doing lines from Reservoir Dogs at the cats. It goes something like this:
Me: You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. You're Mr. Pink!
Cat: [blank stare]
Me: Eddie, if you don't stop talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch.
Cat: [washes foot]
Me: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
Cat: [wanders over to the food bowl]
I guess the lesson here is don't expect cats to get movie lines.
I also watched a hecka cool movie - the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Man, there were some original mofo hijinks in that caper! I'm buying that as soon as it gets cheap. Good stuff.
I also watched the Playboy Channel for some time. Shocker. I pretty much learned nuttin' from my time spent there. I did watch this one lady do a very impressive headstand, though. Didn't look comfortable at all but, strangely enough, she seemed very aroused. I wonder if she was faking. ;-)
Oh, another lesson when it comes to cats. A closed door is going to cause you a great deal of grief. I was doing some work in the basement this weekend (working on the Bad Decision Meter, doncha know), and I had to close the door for a bit. Every single friggin' time I walked near that basement door, I got major complaints from the furball department. You'd think there was a case of tuna down there and an entire catnip garden or something. The lesson here? Don't have cats.
Other lessons learned recently:
- Antibiotics suck as medicines go. They are zero fun. They don't give you a buzz, they don't put you to sleep, they don't do Jack. Boring!
- I am now quite possibly the best remote control user in the universe. I got skillz, people. It's magic to watch me on the wand. Not THAT wand, the remote control one! And I'm flexible, too. I mean, I can handle any remote you throw at me - VCR, TIVO, DVD ... bring it!
- It was bitch ass cold out this weekend, so I did get a chuckle out of that. At least I picked a good weekend to have my head explode.
- The women in the movie Braveheart are HOT. Oh, and the blonde in Bend It Like Beckham is HOT. Oh, and there aren't any hot women in The Outsiders, which is why it sucks.
- My weekend was strangely about 10-12 hours longer than normal. The hot neighbor thinks it has something to do with alcohol. She's crazy. It's fairly obvious to me that the Keeper of the Clocks has granted me an extra 10-12 hours because I was sick. Completely logical.
posted by AxnJxn at 8:41 AM
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