Mystery moisture, junk email, blue pills
Current mood: quietly boisterous

So, I just went to the men's room, and there was some mystery moisture on the handle. I spent the next 20 minutes holding my hand under hot water and scrubbing it with soap. Ok, I'm not THAT bad, but there are definitely a couple of places you don't want to be feeling any mystery moisture on door handles:

- any bathroom
- strip clubs
- Michael Jackson's house

I think if I ever went to MJ's house, I might have to wear an entire rubber suit. Like a giant condom or something. It also makes sense now why he was always wearing that glove.

Ok, enough of that. Today's topic is an interesting one ... to me. Junk mail. We're going to do a little exploring into the noise I get in my junk box. This will be quick and painless, I promise ... kinda like sex with Michael Jackson. I think I've worn out all of my MJ bites for this year.

Ok, I've gotten two emails from different people who want to sell me something known as MULT IO RGA S M. I haven't quite figured this one out yet. I figure it's some sort of acronym for something, but I don't know what MULT, IO, RGA, and S M means. I originally thought it might be multiple orgasm related, but I figure no one could spell that poorly, and I'm a guy, so I can't even do that (or so they tell me). So, this is clearly in error. Maybe some of you women can help me (or I can help you ... wink wink).

I've received an email from a mortgage company with the subject Fre e Qu ote. Now, call me crazy, but I don't think I'm going to borrow money from a company that's CLEARLY having trouble with the space bar on their keyboard. I mean, that's just a problem waiting to bite me in the ass, if you ask me.

It seems a number of companies are having space bar trouble. SeePhotosOfPeopleNearYou, YourFreeBusinessWebpage, CutAllBillsBy75%Fast are all in my Inbox. Maybe I should open a space bar fixing company. Seems like I'd rake it in. Or maybe the people typing these things don't have thumbs.

My personal favorite, however, is this one - EnlargeYourLoveLifeToday, which is from a young man named Michael Williams. I'm not exactly sure what Mr. Williams is peddling, but the email has a picture of a man and a woman, presumably nude, either in a rainstorm or a shower (or taking a shower in a rainstorm). Apparently, if I take a blue pill, I can take a shower (or get caught naked in a rainstorm) with an attractive woman. This is where I get a bit lost. What does the blue pill have to do with it? Why is it blue? Does it have ANYTHING to do with The Smurfs? Also, to borrow from the wisdom of George Costanza on Seinfeld, I figure if I apply myself, maybe I can get the rainstorm/shower with the attractive woman for free? In the end, I'm very confused after this 'study', so any info would be greatly appreciated. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Conspiracy theory for the day - do you think they put fake profiles of really hot people on dating sites just to get people to join? Then, you pay your $20 or whatever, and you end up in what is essentially a Star Wars bar, surrounded by droids and Jabba the Hut.