Sklurg. Either I'm under the weather, still hungover from the weekend, or it's my time of the month. Strangely enough, each is equally possible. I'm actually leaning towards the time of the month thing, even though I'm a dude and I haven't eaten an entire truck of chocolate or killed anyone ... yet.
The weekend was a little out of hand. Ok, I guess that's all relative. If you're Tommy Lee, it was fairly normal. If you're Dear Abby, it was frightening.
Friday. The plan for Friday was to take it easy ... which explains why I was stumbling home after closing the bars doing my usual pizza and wings delivery. I tried mixing in water, but I think it was secretly vodka. Or maybe it was city water, which means it likely had some crack in it. Things remembered:
- They played Jermaine Stewart at Portside, right after a Michael Jackson song. I turned to someone and asked "What, is it pedophile night?", and got an odd look in return. Upon researching later, I found out that Jermaine Stewart wasn't busted for child shenanigans like I thought. Ok, so that joke didn't work.
- "Dude who smells like coffee". One of my notes. I really don't think it's a good thing that I'm noting the smell of dudes.
- "SOS". This was just before midnight. Clearly, I needed help. Actually, it meant something else, but I forget what it was. Son Of Sam? Spawn Of Satan? Sleeping On Square? It's a mystery.
Eh, screw Friday ... Saturday was a much more comical day and night.
Started out the day working the SPCA tent at the Fell's Point Festival. My shift started at 10. That's AM. As a bonus, I promised this pretty thing that I'd bring her coffee to start the day. As a double bonus, I had to ride my bike because parking is a nightmare during the festival. Did I mention that the Perfect Storm was happening at the same time? What a combo! Pouring rain, freezing cold, bike, coffee, riding on wet cobblestones ... I think I should've topped it off by juggling a bowling ball and an axe and trying to balance the budget.
The day actually went pretty well. Got out of there at 3, hit the gym, then headed to DC for fun. We hung out for a bit at a friend's house, which gave me the opportunity to make my own drinks. Let's list the bad ideas:
Jack makes his own drinks
Jack goes to a fancy club
Friends get Jack into the VIP room
Friends get a private table and order bottle service, including a bottle of Captain for Jack
Talk about your recipe for disaster. Two major highlights of the night:
1) Ok, we all know I like making fun of myself. It's my favorite hobby, next to practicing kissing skills and waking up people with late night phone calls. I've often mentioned my ability to fall down, but it actually rarely happens. Well, this was not one of those nights. Technically, to be fair, it was more of a furniture mishap, but it counts! I have the bruise on my ass to prove it!
Basically, we're up on this stage at our private table, above the club, and I went to sit down and the chair sorta tipped over on me. Or I tipped over on it. Or something. Chunky and I were discussing later, and it turns out that the chair was more of a table. Hey, I'll sit anywhere, as long as Richard Simmons isn't involved.
2) I decided that everyone needed to share in our fun, so I took the bottle of Captain and started walking around the club with it. I haven't the slightest idea how I didn't get kicked out or at least tweaked ... you'd think the club workers wouldn't be that happy with some clown handing out Captain, but I guess I'm just that charming.
A quick review of dialed call times ... 3:08, 3:12, 3:18, 3:24 ... yeah, those are all AM times as well. Apparently, I'm the only person awake at those times.
Sunday. Man, Sunday was FUNtastic. Check out this checklist:
Beautiful day
Fell's Point Festival
DuClaw's
Red Star
Football
Kissed an attractive German girl
I also realized I have a skill ... I can spot the straight woman in a crowd of lesbians. Ok, I generally cheat and ask a lesbian friend close by if the one I'm into is straight, but still. I'm thinking if I can figure a way to market this, I'm gold!
Interviewer: Do you have any experience?
Me: No
Interviewer: Have you ever worked at the Playboy Mansion before?
Me: No
Interviewer: Do you have any skills?
Me: Um, I can spot a straight woman in a crowd of lesbians
Interviewer: That's exactly what we've been looking for! When can you start?
Ugh. Is it friggin' Friday yet?
The weekend was a little out of hand. Ok, I guess that's all relative. If you're Tommy Lee, it was fairly normal. If you're Dear Abby, it was frightening.
Friday. The plan for Friday was to take it easy ... which explains why I was stumbling home after closing the bars doing my usual pizza and wings delivery. I tried mixing in water, but I think it was secretly vodka. Or maybe it was city water, which means it likely had some crack in it. Things remembered:
- They played Jermaine Stewart at Portside, right after a Michael Jackson song. I turned to someone and asked "What, is it pedophile night?", and got an odd look in return. Upon researching later, I found out that Jermaine Stewart wasn't busted for child shenanigans like I thought. Ok, so that joke didn't work.
- "Dude who smells like coffee". One of my notes. I really don't think it's a good thing that I'm noting the smell of dudes.
- "SOS". This was just before midnight. Clearly, I needed help. Actually, it meant something else, but I forget what it was. Son Of Sam? Spawn Of Satan? Sleeping On Square? It's a mystery.
Eh, screw Friday ... Saturday was a much more comical day and night.
Started out the day working the SPCA tent at the Fell's Point Festival. My shift started at 10. That's AM. As a bonus, I promised this pretty thing that I'd bring her coffee to start the day. As a double bonus, I had to ride my bike because parking is a nightmare during the festival. Did I mention that the Perfect Storm was happening at the same time? What a combo! Pouring rain, freezing cold, bike, coffee, riding on wet cobblestones ... I think I should've topped it off by juggling a bowling ball and an axe and trying to balance the budget.
The day actually went pretty well. Got out of there at 3, hit the gym, then headed to DC for fun. We hung out for a bit at a friend's house, which gave me the opportunity to make my own drinks. Let's list the bad ideas:
Jack makes his own drinks
Jack goes to a fancy club
Friends get Jack into the VIP room
Friends get a private table and order bottle service, including a bottle of Captain for Jack
Talk about your recipe for disaster. Two major highlights of the night:
1) Ok, we all know I like making fun of myself. It's my favorite hobby, next to practicing kissing skills and waking up people with late night phone calls. I've often mentioned my ability to fall down, but it actually rarely happens. Well, this was not one of those nights. Technically, to be fair, it was more of a furniture mishap, but it counts! I have the bruise on my ass to prove it!
Basically, we're up on this stage at our private table, above the club, and I went to sit down and the chair sorta tipped over on me. Or I tipped over on it. Or something. Chunky and I were discussing later, and it turns out that the chair was more of a table. Hey, I'll sit anywhere, as long as Richard Simmons isn't involved.
2) I decided that everyone needed to share in our fun, so I took the bottle of Captain and started walking around the club with it. I haven't the slightest idea how I didn't get kicked out or at least tweaked ... you'd think the club workers wouldn't be that happy with some clown handing out Captain, but I guess I'm just that charming.
A quick review of dialed call times ... 3:08, 3:12, 3:18, 3:24 ... yeah, those are all AM times as well. Apparently, I'm the only person awake at those times.
Sunday. Man, Sunday was FUNtastic. Check out this checklist:
Beautiful day
Fell's Point Festival
DuClaw's
Red Star
Football
Kissed an attractive German girl
I also realized I have a skill ... I can spot the straight woman in a crowd of lesbians. Ok, I generally cheat and ask a lesbian friend close by if the one I'm into is straight, but still. I'm thinking if I can figure a way to market this, I'm gold!
Interviewer: Do you have any experience?
Me: No
Interviewer: Have you ever worked at the Playboy Mansion before?
Me: No
Interviewer: Do you have any skills?
Me: Um, I can spot a straight woman in a crowd of lesbians
Interviewer: That's exactly what we've been looking for! When can you start?
Ugh. Is it friggin' Friday yet?
posted by AxnJxn at 8:19 AM
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