You know what really sucks? Yes, besides the movie Eyes Wide Shut and Pam Anderson in that video with Tommy Lee. That's right, I said it. Um, when I go outside and I forget to take the "Sell Me Something Now!!" sign off of my forehead.
I'm at the gym, on the bike, sweating rivers, and two women walk up to me and introduce themselves. Naturally, I can't hear a word they're saying cuz I got George Thurogood telling me to move it on over, cool dog, and the volume's on 11 (for you Spinal Tap fans). So, I have to slow down, turn off the iPod, and listen to the sales pitch.
Them: Hi, we're new. I'm Frick and this is Frack. Do you have any friends that would like to join the gym?
Me: I don't believe in friends. The world's going to end on 11/9, according to the experts at the Weekly World News, so I've given up friends for Lent. Besides, I'm not real - I'm a cartoon.
Them: [backing away slowly]
Ok, I didn't actually say that, I just let them yammer away, then I politely said something nonsensical and they left. But, it gets better! It always gets better!
I hit the Singles Safeway after the gym, and I've got the iPod still on 11. This time, I've got Incubus telling me to make yourself ... whatever the hell that means. It's actually disturbingly close to them telling me to go f*** myself, but I digress. I'm checking out the soup, and I notice some lady to my right doing mime stuff. Ok, she's actually talking, but I can't hear her because I have these things in my ears. EARPHONES! Hello? Argh.
So, I turn off the iPod, but she apparently thinks I'm deaf as well, because this is what I get:
SIR WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR NEW [INSERT SANDWICH NAME HERE]?!?! WE SELL IT IN THE DELI COUNTER RIGHT OVER THERE!!!!
I politely try to decline.
IT'S EXCELLENT, SIR!!! HERE, TRY IT [SHOVES SAMPLE IN MY HAND]!! WE SELL IT IN THE DELI COUNTER RIGHT OVER THERE!!! [points again because it's clear if I'm wearing earphones that I'm also a complete idiot]
At this point, I begin to realize that I should have never left the house. Ever. In fact, I might not leave the house now. Ever. Again. I figure I have Playboy, Oxygen magazine, the Internet, and enough cat food to last a month.
The sandwich was friggin' good though. Damnit. No, I didn't buy one, smartass. Go stand over there now ---------->.
Check this out. I found a song lyric that is the epitome of my life! I'm changing it to my signature immediately! Kudos to Julian Cope, the coolest heroin addict/musician/weirdo ever, for penning this beauty:
"Woke up in a fireplace ... slept like a log."
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I haven't actually woke up in a fireplace yet ... but I'm sure it's coming.
Last night was ... um ... in a word, weird. I can't even describe it. I did get some kissing skills practice in. Unfortunately, I was kissing a gyro platter from Maria D's. I ate the entire thing, too. Ugh. The calorie counter in my head just exploded.
Let's see. Started out at the Bay Cafe for the happy hour "let's see just how drunk Jack can get before sundown" fun show. It worked. Shocker. From there, went to a birthday party for this beautiful li'l Asian darlin' that is the wife of a buddy of mine. 'Twas good stuff, although I think I was seeing triple by that point.
An aside ... I'm completely and totally hooked on the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. To the point of it being a little frightening. I especially recommend "Looking At The World From The Bottom of a Well" by Mike Doughty ... although it sounds a lot like a sped up Soul Coughing. Maybe I'll use that as an excuse for future dumb behavior ... cuz you know it's coming.
Why'd you do that, idiot?
It's cuz of the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack!
Oh yeah, I can see that totally working. And props to Lauren for the original tip on it ... and a happy birthday to her as well. She's legally able to enter a bar now. Ok, ok, it just seems that way sometimes. Friggin' youngsters!
So, anyway, I'm fairly excited for this party, because there's this mega hot woman that I totally dig who is supposed to attend and she's freshly single! Faburama! I think I scored some major points with her, too ... I managed not to say a single word to her other than hello, and she completely ignored me when I said that. Dunno about you, but I think I'm in! It's only a matter of time before she caves. In fact, I'm mildly surprised she didn't just jump me with that kind of connection going on.
I did talk to a couple of lovely lasses and even a dude or two. I also managed to drink. Imagine that.
From there, I went to somewhere around a thousand more bars. I think. Let's list 'em, shall we? Fed Hill Lounge, Grumpies, Crazy Lil's, Magerk's, Drifters, that late night karaoke place ... mmm, I think that might be it. According to eye witness accounts of the events, I was "missed my Ritalin pill" Jack. Maybe I should start doing coke ... might slow me down some. Eesh.
AH! Almost forgot this gem, and this is just for Lauren. I left myself a note, and she claimed that I wouldn't remember what it meant. Fortunately, it was early enough that I can see it through the fog. HA!
"Do I get 3D glasses with that outfit?"
I think that pretty much explains itself, eh? Ok, I'll go a little further. This chick at the Bay Cafe had this outfit on ... um ... how can I describe this? I'm going to give it a couple of efforts.
Boy George ate a basketful of colored yarn and then hurled
MC Esher has a new clothing line
What's black and white and red all over? That chick!
Ok, remember when Joey put all of Chandler's clothes on in that one episode of Friends? "Could I BE wearing any more clothes?" Mmm, ok, it wasn't anything like that, I just think that scene was friggin' hilarious.
Ever have someone you don't really know that well hit on a friend that you know is a complete disaster? Yeah, yeah, stock answer - you mean like when women hit on Jack? Ha. That's really funny. Didn't I tell you to stand over there? ---------->
Anyway, that happened last night. Fortunately, I had a run in with the girl a few months back and we're not exactly buddies, so it was more comedic for me than anything. Kinda like watching a car crash in slow motion. See, sometimes it's fun to be single.
I'm at the gym, on the bike, sweating rivers, and two women walk up to me and introduce themselves. Naturally, I can't hear a word they're saying cuz I got George Thurogood telling me to move it on over, cool dog, and the volume's on 11 (for you Spinal Tap fans). So, I have to slow down, turn off the iPod, and listen to the sales pitch.
Them: Hi, we're new. I'm Frick and this is Frack. Do you have any friends that would like to join the gym?
Me: I don't believe in friends. The world's going to end on 11/9, according to the experts at the Weekly World News, so I've given up friends for Lent. Besides, I'm not real - I'm a cartoon.
Them: [backing away slowly]
Ok, I didn't actually say that, I just let them yammer away, then I politely said something nonsensical and they left. But, it gets better! It always gets better!
I hit the Singles Safeway after the gym, and I've got the iPod still on 11. This time, I've got Incubus telling me to make yourself ... whatever the hell that means. It's actually disturbingly close to them telling me to go f*** myself, but I digress. I'm checking out the soup, and I notice some lady to my right doing mime stuff. Ok, she's actually talking, but I can't hear her because I have these things in my ears. EARPHONES! Hello? Argh.
So, I turn off the iPod, but she apparently thinks I'm deaf as well, because this is what I get:
SIR WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR NEW [INSERT SANDWICH NAME HERE]?!?! WE SELL IT IN THE DELI COUNTER RIGHT OVER THERE!!!!
I politely try to decline.
IT'S EXCELLENT, SIR!!! HERE, TRY IT [SHOVES SAMPLE IN MY HAND]!! WE SELL IT IN THE DELI COUNTER RIGHT OVER THERE!!! [points again because it's clear if I'm wearing earphones that I'm also a complete idiot]
At this point, I begin to realize that I should have never left the house. Ever. In fact, I might not leave the house now. Ever. Again. I figure I have Playboy, Oxygen magazine, the Internet, and enough cat food to last a month.
The sandwich was friggin' good though. Damnit. No, I didn't buy one, smartass. Go stand over there now ---------->.
Check this out. I found a song lyric that is the epitome of my life! I'm changing it to my signature immediately! Kudos to Julian Cope, the coolest heroin addict/musician/weirdo ever, for penning this beauty:
"Woke up in a fireplace ... slept like a log."
Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I haven't actually woke up in a fireplace yet ... but I'm sure it's coming.
Last night was ... um ... in a word, weird. I can't even describe it. I did get some kissing skills practice in. Unfortunately, I was kissing a gyro platter from Maria D's. I ate the entire thing, too. Ugh. The calorie counter in my head just exploded.
Let's see. Started out at the Bay Cafe for the happy hour "let's see just how drunk Jack can get before sundown" fun show. It worked. Shocker. From there, went to a birthday party for this beautiful li'l Asian darlin' that is the wife of a buddy of mine. 'Twas good stuff, although I think I was seeing triple by that point.
An aside ... I'm completely and totally hooked on the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. To the point of it being a little frightening. I especially recommend "Looking At The World From The Bottom of a Well" by Mike Doughty ... although it sounds a lot like a sped up Soul Coughing. Maybe I'll use that as an excuse for future dumb behavior ... cuz you know it's coming.
Why'd you do that, idiot?
It's cuz of the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack!
Oh yeah, I can see that totally working. And props to Lauren for the original tip on it ... and a happy birthday to her as well. She's legally able to enter a bar now. Ok, ok, it just seems that way sometimes. Friggin' youngsters!
So, anyway, I'm fairly excited for this party, because there's this mega hot woman that I totally dig who is supposed to attend and she's freshly single! Faburama! I think I scored some major points with her, too ... I managed not to say a single word to her other than hello, and she completely ignored me when I said that. Dunno about you, but I think I'm in! It's only a matter of time before she caves. In fact, I'm mildly surprised she didn't just jump me with that kind of connection going on.
I did talk to a couple of lovely lasses and even a dude or two. I also managed to drink. Imagine that.
From there, I went to somewhere around a thousand more bars. I think. Let's list 'em, shall we? Fed Hill Lounge, Grumpies, Crazy Lil's, Magerk's, Drifters, that late night karaoke place ... mmm, I think that might be it. According to eye witness accounts of the events, I was "missed my Ritalin pill" Jack. Maybe I should start doing coke ... might slow me down some. Eesh.
AH! Almost forgot this gem, and this is just for Lauren. I left myself a note, and she claimed that I wouldn't remember what it meant. Fortunately, it was early enough that I can see it through the fog. HA!
"Do I get 3D glasses with that outfit?"
I think that pretty much explains itself, eh? Ok, I'll go a little further. This chick at the Bay Cafe had this outfit on ... um ... how can I describe this? I'm going to give it a couple of efforts.
Boy George ate a basketful of colored yarn and then hurled
MC Esher has a new clothing line
What's black and white and red all over? That chick!
Ok, remember when Joey put all of Chandler's clothes on in that one episode of Friends? "Could I BE wearing any more clothes?" Mmm, ok, it wasn't anything like that, I just think that scene was friggin' hilarious.
Ever have someone you don't really know that well hit on a friend that you know is a complete disaster? Yeah, yeah, stock answer - you mean like when women hit on Jack? Ha. That's really funny. Didn't I tell you to stand over there? ---------->
Anyway, that happened last night. Fortunately, I had a run in with the girl a few months back and we're not exactly buddies, so it was more comedic for me than anything. Kinda like watching a car crash in slow motion. See, sometimes it's fun to be single.
posted by AxnJxn at 10:30 AM
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