A'ight, so I've been having these weird-o-rama dreams lately, and here's the kicker ... the last two have been hosted by Leeza Gibbons. Yeah, that's right, the hot chick from ... um, hell, I dunno, whatever show she was on ... is hosting my dreams. It's sorta like this ...

[dream of Bigfoot and I having lunch at a coffee shape made of legos]
Leeza: "... and that was Jack and Bigfoot having stir fry at the Lego Hut. After this commercial break, we'll have Jack swimming in a pool of lime Kool-Aid with Nicole Kidman."

As always, I really shouldn't have done all that LSD when I was in grade school. Or all those Jell-O shots last weekend. Or ...

You know it's been a good weekend when you're still recovering on Monday. Eesh. Let's see if I can recap some of this nonsense.

Friday, started at the Bay Cafe with the HN and JB. This was a tad tricky, because JB and I had to go to a work event a few hours later, so we couldn't get too buzzed. Ok, have you stopped laughing yet? Right. Like a work event is going to get in the way of getting a buzz. Ha! Good comedy in that the work event was about a 4-5 block walk ... and we had to stop at a bar on the way for a drink. Priorities, people!

The best news from the weekend? Portside is back! That's right, people! Not that I really remember what it was like on Friday night ... I just know it was good.

Oh, wait, I forgot something. Hmm ... ever notice how much I enjoy interrupting myself in my own blog? I'm so rude to me! So, on Thursday, I go to get my haircut at the Hair Butchery ... er ... Cuttery. Now, if you don't know already, I really, really, really don't like getting my hair cut. No clue why, but they day I meet a chick that can cut my hair is the day I get married. Ok, let's not get too crazy here ... how about that's the day I go on an actual date? Better.

So, I pop in, and I sit down and tell the girl what I want done. I say girl because she can't be more than 20. She then insists that I get my hair shampooed and whatnot. Ok, so it's no secret that I'm a little odd ... I have to admit, having my head rubbed with soapy warm water by a 19 year old girl is ... well, it's hecka skeevy to me. If it's a mature woman, I'm all in. If it's someone that could be my daughter ... um, I'm a tad uncomfy.

But, she insists, even after I try the "I'm in a big hurry" dodge ... which competely and totally backfires. Now, she hurries through the wash and haircut. Safe to say, I don't want my haircutterin' person, my dentist, or my girlfriend rushing through anything ... I'm strange like that, doncha know.

Anyway ... where was I? Oh, yes, Friday. Eh, let's just move to Saturday, since that's the hecka double fun night. I've mentioned before that I'm a pretty lucky dude ... but does it get any luckier than falling backwards into a girl's night out with 8 women? Right.

Started out the night with a huge rock concert. Played for a few hours, even to the point of blistering my thumb. Also, worked on my dance moves in the shower ... is there a better place to dance than in the shower? I did the running man move, the pretend to be singing to the crowd thing, and the 80s dance move like Molly Ringwald. Almost fell down on that one ... showers are a little slippery - imagine that! I also came up with the theory that it's impossible to hear DMSR by Prince without thinking of the scene in Risky Business when they're having the big party with the hookers and all that jazz. "Look like ... University of Illinois!"

An aside ... Sign O' The Times is one of the better concert movies out there, especially "Forever In My Life." You've been informed.

So, I head out for the Square. On the way, I get offered a ride by this hecka hot girl that I know from the gym. 'Course, I accept ... I'm not stupid, doncha know. At the time, I'm on the phone with my buddy Ricky, so I hand over the phone to her to say hello ... when I'm on the phone, I like keeping my friends on their toes like that. Ricky's usually pretty adept at these things, too.

As she's talking to him, her phone rings and she gives it to me to answer ... and it's one of her friends, who is another HH from the gym. I mean, I'm not even 2 blocks from my house ... does a night start better than this? I was half expecting Lauren Holly to show up with a case of Pez or something.

She drops me off, and I hit Claddaugh's, which was incredibly quiet. I actually counted the people downstairs - 22 at the bar. Ergh. The fun part of Claddaugh is watching the young folks roll in and head upstairs. Got out of there, and that's when I stumbled into girl's night out ... or Eden, as I like to call it.

I spent most of the night in a bit of a daze. At one point, I thought about texting my buddy Mark to inform him of the situation I'm in, but since he was in Dallas at a preseason football game, I thought that might be kind of cruel. The girls agreed.

I do have one note from the night ... "little dude in the bathroom." Um ... yeah. I have no idea, and I'm a little worried that I might remember what that means.

Funny thing is, at the end of the night, everyone scattered ... it was like each person was spun around three times and released. I also found out that late night omelettes are big hits. The scary thing is I have an extra night this coming weekend. I should probably start preparing now.

Saw a commercial last night. Here's the gist ... hot girl, wearing pretty much nuttin', with a chair in the ad, walks backwards off the chair to give a nice shot of the booty, crawls around for a bit, shakes the tailfeather, and at the end, plants a big wet kiss on the can. It was an ad for ... uh ... something you drink. I think. Maybe it was motor oil. Vienna sausages?

Watched the movie Dark Water last night. Um, not so good, which is hard to do since Jennifer Connelly is walking around in it, and she's pretty much perfect in every way. Sad ending, too. Pleh. You've been informed.

Woo! I needed one of those! Let's get right to it, shall we?

We'll start with a note I left myself on Friday:

Tried to light cigarette but failed.

Ok, I sorta have this thing that I try to be a gentleman at all times. Um, stop laughing. I'm semi-serious. Ok, fine, I'm laughing as well. Anyway, so I'm in Portside on Friday, and this young lass has a smoke but no light. I grab a pack of matches, and smoothly try to light a match. Once. Twice. Three times a lady. After the 5th time, some other clown comes in with a lighter. Friggin' matches!

Friday was relatively pain free. If you count talking to an ex on the phone from the hours of 2 am to 4 am pain free. Oy. I'm sure you can imagine how well that conversation went. Moving on!

I'm going to skip Friday for the most part. It was the usual nonsense - Bay Cafe happy hour (which was packed for some reason), hit a couple of places on the Square, then had a good convo with Bo at Portside. Found out some quality info about him - good dude. Other than that, it was fairly regular.

The major hecka fun came on Saturday, when I went to Dewey Beach for the first time in over a year. Now, those of you who haven't been to Dewey should know this. There are two things to do at Dewey - drink tons and hook up. Um, yeah, there's a beach there as well, but who cares about that when you have those two other options?

So, I head down with my buddy Mark. One aside - on the trip down, we stop at the BK Lounge for a bite to eat. They have this BK Stacker thing ... it's quite possibly the most frightening thing I've ever seen. The big one has 4 slabs of burger, each with it's own slice of cheese. As if that isn't enough, they pile bacon on top. I nearly flatlined just looking at it.

So, we get down there around 3 or so. Mark quickly finds out just how high maintenance I am when I request a bathroom to freshen up. Hey, when you're 39 and look 34, it's important to look 32. I have no idea what that means.

So, we finally hit the bar, starting out at Starboard. There's a hecka sloppy bar crawl going on, so we're already way behind stumbly-wise, but we're pretty good at catching up. We hang there for a bit, then hit the jam session at the Bottle and Cork. The jam session is the coolest. The weather was perfect, the Cork is an indoor/outdoor place, so it's fresh air, and the bands generally play some cool tunes. This is where things start to get a bit ... um ... waffly.

Two words: Jell-O shots. I'm standing there chillin', minding my own business and scouting the prospects. I look over, and I realize that Mark's holding a full tray of shots. Here's the convo:

Me: Um, why are you holding that tray of Jell-O shots?
Mark: Um, because I just bought it.
Me: A shot?
Mark: Um, the whole tray.
Me: [blank stare]

I suddenly realize that we're about to get extremely drunk. Well, actually, that's not really true. See, Jell-O shots are what I call alcohol hand grenades. You pull the pin when you down them, but they don't explode immediately. They putz around in your stomach for a bit, chillin' and waiting for later when you actually have to talk to women. Then, they attack all motor skills at once. It's fascinating stuff. Friggin' Jell-O shots. Bill Cosby can bite me.

Fortunately for me, one of our female friends loves 'em, so I manage to pawn off 4 or 5 on her. Naturally, she didn't make it to sundown after that. Hey, I have a hard enough time being my own keeper, doncha know - I can't be worrying about others!

Genius Jack suddenly arrives. I get the idea that we should go back to Starboard, so we can get in there and avoid the line. Mark gives me one of those "You're an idiot" looks ... I'm pretty familiar with them by now ... but he needs a snack anyway, so we go. A bit later, we're sitting at Starboard with maybe 9 other people, twiddling our thumbs. Yup, I'm a genius! Hey, we avoided the line ... so there.

I did get to talk to Steve a bit, who is a bartender at Portside in the non beach months. Fortunately, I promise Bo the night before that I'd do a shot with Steve for him. More straight booze! Brilliant! As if that isn't enough, I see a young lady I know from Portside in Baltimore. I say hello ... her response? "What are you doing here?" Um, nice to see you too! Jeez. I think she's off the Christmas card list ... not that I have one. I'm going to fake one, and cross her off. So there. I did manage to tell her that I think her roommate is hot ... I'm sure that helped things.

From here, the night starts to get a tad fuzzy. The one thing I do note is that the more I drink, the slower time seems to go by. Apparently, Jell-O shots have some odd effect on the Earth's rotation, causing it to slow. Who knew? Friggin' Bill Cosby.

One of the night's highlights. On the ride down, Mark's telling me about this friend of his named Lori, who sounds fantastic. So, I turn the corner one time, and sure enough, there's Lori! I prep myself, walk over, and introduce myself. Check it ... here's what follows out of my mouth:

Frlngk plampey bornteing ont slinpy ... oong!

I'm quoting pretty much verbatim. Smooth as sandpaper, me. Fortunately, I manage to realize I'm speaking some cousin language of Swahili, so I bolt. I don't think I actually ran, but it sure seemed like it. Good thing first impressions aren't important or anything!

The rest of the night is equally blurry. I did get some Grotto's, some kissing skills practice, and managed to sleep a few hours before we headed back home.

Today, I had a final exam in my Microeconomics class. Fortunately, I was still hungover from Saturday. Lovely.

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in. Hold you in.

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. Last night, I saw the writer of that line perform that song about 50 feet away from me.

That’s right, people … I saw the Foo Fighters last night! Woot-o-rama! As an extra added bonus, my boy JB and I managed to get some free orchestra tickets (thanks, Steph! This might get you back on my friends list … wait, you already are ... never mind!). As a triple added bonus, this was an acoustic show in the DAR Constitution Hall, which is one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen a concert. Suzanne Vega at the Kennedy Center is a close second as for nifty venues.

A’ight, if you’re not down with the Foo, might want to just skip the rest, cuz I’m breaking blog protocol and going with a full concert review here. Besides, what is blog protocol anyway? I have to make up a mood word, pick three topics and ramble nonsensically. Hmm ... I think nonsensically might be a made up word. Anyway, you non-fans ... aka Communists ... pick up your consolation prize at the door.

Ok, so I’ll let someone else discuss Frank Blank. He opened, he’s a legend, I never liked The Pixies all that much, such is life.

Dave came out and opened the show with "Razor", which is a very cool little fingerpicking diddy on the latest CD. My favorite parts of Foo shows are when Dave talks to the crowd. Early on, he noted that (1) he was amazed to be playing in this joint and (2) he’s a loudmouth.

The good thing is, he’s a funny loudmouth. As he’s talking to us in the opening parts of the show, his neighbor walks to her seat and says hello to him (yeah, it was that intimate of a show). His response, classic: “Oh, hi, Kelly. Thanks for saying hello. By the way, this is a rock concert, not a f****** baby shower!”

The early parts of the show were dominated by songs from the somewhat new acoustic CD. My personal favorite was “On The Mend”, which is one of my favorites tunes from the CD - it's kind of a mellow, flowery song, and almost seems out of place in a way - and Dave also noted that they would be playing some of the old tunes as well, punctuating the point with “My Hero”.

A quick aside … of all their songs, this one has always been one of my least favorite, and they play it at every single show. Ah well … I’ve always noted that with bands with huge song lists, it’s almost impossible to get the perfect show.

Dave took time between tunes to slowly introduce the band members. ‘Course, he was saving my boy Taylor for last. We’ll get to that in a bit. But first, he had to pause on Petra Hayden, who is this cute shy li’l thing that is immensely talented. ‘Course, being shy, Dave felt the need to exploit that to the delight of all … well, all except possibly Petra.

After a number of wolf whistles from some dudes in the crowd, he noted that she might get some tonight, which caused her to leave the stage in mock anguish. I have a feeling that being shy around Dave, especially when you’re on stage, might be akin to sticking a "Kick Me" sign on your back in a room full of teenage boys. They knocked out “Virginia Moon”, which is from the latest CD, which is a duet between Dave and Petra … good stuff … and she also sang lead on “Floaty”, which is off of the first album.

Yeah, it's time for my favorite part of the show ... the dialogue with Taylor. T cracks me up for some reason ... I think it might have something to do with how he seems to make a good lookin' woman in all of their videos. Or it could be that he apparently has the lack of ego to allow Dave to lay all of the drum tracks down on their albums and not get pissy about it. Either way, the dude's also pretty comical - he had one of the funnier lines of the night. I can't remember the exact conversation, but it had to do with pointing out how white the audience was. He has also written one of my favorite Foo tunes - "Cold Day In The Sun."

What's odd is that I've seen them play this song twice. The last time was the "rock" show of this tour, and T and Dave actually traded places for the tune - T came out to the mic, and Dave went behind the drums, which was pretty cool. What's odd is that, both times, T has dedicated the song to his wife ... which I find strange because of some of the lyrics:

And there's nothing that you couldn't say
Cause you said it all before
Think it's time you walk this lonely road all on your own

Looking for someone to blame
Blame me all along
You'll take the heat, but you would never take the fall

Dunno. I'm sure there's a good meaning behind it - maybe they made it through a rough patch and he wrote about it - but it seems kinda dark to me in a way. Probably why it's one of my favorites ... doesn't hurt that it's really easy to play, too.

Classic Dave once the song was done. Some dude and his date were returning to their seats near the front and he stopped in the middle of a story and asked them if they had a nice piss. Heh. Silly Dave!

They bounced through a couple other tunes - "See You" which was always a favorite of mine, "New Way Home" from the same CD, "Miracle" which he dedicated to his newborn daughter, and I'm sure I've missed a couple ... oh, "Skin and Bones", which was apparently written pretty much just before he went on a BBC radio spot. Good tune, and one I'll need to pick up somewhere.

They left the stage, and Dave came back solo to start off the encore. My personal favorite, "Times Like These", which I still say is one of the greatest recovering-from-a-breakup songs ever written. Fantastic stuff. He also told an interesting story about when he first joined Nirvana and he moved up to Olympia, Washington to live with Kurt and Krist Novoselic. They shared a nasty apartment, and he wrote a song about his roommates. I remember when I first heard it that the chords reminded me a great deal of the Nirvana song "Polly", so it was interesting to hear that it was born during the same era. "Friend of a Friend" is a strikingly deep song that seems very simple on the surface:

He thinks he drinks too much
Cause when he tells his two best friends
"I think I drink too much"
No one speaks
No one speaks
No one speaks

He also has the word "nevermind" in another line in the song, which I found interesting, since it became the title of Nirvana's biggest album (pipe down, you Bleach fans!).

Closing was, of course, what I led off with - "Everlong". There's really no other way to finish a spectacular show than with one of the finer songs ever written by Dave.

Someone asked if this was my favorite show ever - I've seen the dudes something like 7-8 times. I can't really answer that. It was strikingly different from everything I've ever see them do. I'm just hoping I get to see another one like it from them, because it was memorable. If you get a chance, and if you've read this far, you're clearly a fan, get on this tour. Big time.

Whew. I'm tired and a tad cranky right now, so just keep your smartass comments to yourself while reading this ... or else. Or else what? Um, or else you're on the list! Eh, who am I kidding ... I don't even have a list, unless you're talking about the list of places I've forgotten my credit card. Now, THAT'S a nice, long list!

Ok, just got back from class ... so we finally got our midterms back, and the Prof was all kindsa pissed at us. Apparently, we all suck Tang. That's right, you heard me ... suck Tang. I got a B- ... which is roughly the equivalent of a friend setting you up on a blind date with a movie star, then finding out it's Renee Zelwigger. That might be funnier if I knew how to spell her name. Eesh. So, we spent the last hour of class going over the answers and being reminded of how much we suck ... Tang. Luckily, a portion of my class is suckier and ... uh ... Tangier than me (this is starting to get kinda weird), because she had to grade on a curve.

So, I go through a phase every month or so where I like to add new friends on Myspace and meet new people. Well, ok, not people - women ... let's not be daft here. I've never felt all that comfortable sending a friend request out of the blue to a guy. So, anyway, this ritual goes on every time - I send friend requests, they get accepted, I send an email to start the chattin', and half don't respond and then they get deleted a few days later. I'll never, ever, ever understand that one. That's on par with selling hot dogs in a pack of 10 and buns in a pack of 8 ... or whatever they come in. Hell, I haven't eaten a hot dog in years, so for all I know they could sell them in buckets now. Hey, a bucket of dogs! The Barkin' Bucket!

A couple of notes from the weekend:

#1 - Ducked up dude at the SPCA

Ok, so I spelled the F word wrong. Actually, I do that T9 nonsense now - you know, where the text message words are completed for you, and you spent most of the time going back and correcting them because they're nowhere near being right - and that's how it came out, which I thought was hecka funny. I've been drinking all day ... I am so ducked up! Anyway. So, I'm in the cat room chillin', and I realize that the bathroom door has been closed for a good 20 minutes. I actually thought someone just closed it when they came out, instead of leaving it open. I'm ponging this around in my head, when some dude comes out ... and he's completely wrecked. I mean, does it get better than some dude going to an Animal Shelter's bathroom to get his fix? I love this city. Even the cat I was holding gave him an odd look.

#2 - Chubbies

This one's pretty simple. Chubbies is a strip club ... I think. It has to be, because that's just a hilarious name for a strip club. 'Nuff said.

I s'pose you're waiting for a recap of Saturday night. Well, I don't really have one ... mainly because the last few hours are a fog. I do know I went to Federal Hill, and it was a ghost town. Kinda weird in a ... well, it was just weird. I'm going to continue to go there, though, because (1) I'm down with meeting new people right now ... OK, OK, women! Jeez ... and (2) there's always a chance I'll run into my ex and she absolutely loves me. Loves! Hmm ... sarcasm doesn't go over well in print, does it?

I do remember running into my buddy Mark at Portside ... what's that? Um, of course I came back to Canton! Let's not be ridiculous here. I also ran into this one young lady who used to be on a TV show. 'Course, every time I run into her, I ask her about the show, which was cancelled eons ago, and clearly it being cancelled was a bummer to her. It's an absolutely brilliant move ... if you want to be sure the woman's going to go talk to someone else. I'm also supposed to hit Dewey Beach with Mark this coming weekend, so you've been warned. Um, whoever you are. Knowing Dewey as I do, we'll likely be pretty ducked up.

You know what ... no intro for you! I feel like the Soup Nazi. We're just going to get right to it today. To the notes!

#1 - Pick up a woman with boys around her

Pretty much the impossible task. More impossible than the bartender pickup, and pretty much on the same level as "meeting the shuttle girl who is always talking to her friend." Quite hot young woman at the Bay Cafe surrounded by 3 dudes. Tons of eye contact. Absolutely no way I can go over and discuss the eye contact. Moving on ...

#2 - Pink Houses

There simply isn't a better song. I've been playing it with my boy John for about 15 years now. A good 75% of the time, I break a string while playing it because I'm so into it. My list of songs I would play if I ever got up in front of a mic is short:

Pink Houses
Waitress in the Sky (if I could ever remember all the words ... and there really aren't that many)
Cuts Like A Knife (it's a sing-along!)

#3 - Noticing the wedding ring

Heh. 'Nuff said. Nothing worse than spotting a beautiful woman, making eye contact, getting a nice smile ... and then spotting the ring. Dag!

#4 - Jack and red bull

A vile concoction. Some of you may know that when I drink Jack, I get bees in my head. I really can't describe it any better than that. One of the HN's friends noted that the next day, you get bees in your belly as well, which I found quite comical. One of my dude friends was drinking that noise last night. Eesh.

#5 - It's been at least a year ducking Bay Cafe

Um. Hmm. Yeah, I have no idea what that means, but I typed it. I guess it sounds kinda funny. It's quite possible that I was just putting together random phrases to see if they fit. Let's go forward.

I must get to a couple of texts. These never fail to crack me up the next day ...

Have fun ... don't fall down (my reputation precedes me)
You're in charge now cat dad. Be good! (Um ...)
Two videos captured and I'm making fries (that was at 2:38 am ... yeah)
Cops are walking with me! Fun! (I'm pretty sure that's sarcasm)
Squibs is looking hot! (I think I'll just leave that one alone)

Now, we all know I'm a fairly wise dude. I mean, I've invented the cat scratch post bed (well, not yet, but I'm sure it's coming), I can handle flossing without hurting myself ... most of the time, and I am getting really good at going down stairs without falling ... but my latest stroke of genius might be tops. I managed to get cab fare out of Cherie so's I could go back to Canton later in the evening. Ha! I mean, there's nuttin' better than having a hot chick hand you $20 ... especially when you still have your pants on. Hmm ... think I went to far there.

Last night's highlights:

Spent a good 20 minutes doing Big Lebowski lines with this pretty li'l darlin' at some bar in Fed Hill. Unfortunately, I then found out she was 22. Oof. Phone's ringing, Dude! Thank you, Donny.

Ok, here's a general question. What's the rule when you're interested in a woman, but her friend is interested in you. I got hosed on this one. Talking to a group of women ... wait, let's do this Algebra style.

Jack strikes up a convo with a gaggle of women
Jack is interested in Woman A
Woman B is interested in Jack
Woman A and Woman B are friends
Whiff!

Heh. Apparently, if Woman B is interested in me before I get Woman A's phone number, I'm done. D'oh! I really need to write some of these rules down. In retrospect, it's entirely possible that Woman A wasn't interested anyway, and I probably should've just hung out with Woman B. Wait, which one was Woman A?

It's been a lifelong dream of mine, but I've finally made the Craig's List Missed Connections page! I'm quite proud. It only took me [checks watch] ... 15 years! Someone at Ropewalk saw me and noted it ... here's hoping it's not a dude or The Molester. Aw, I shouldn't say that ... The Molester is a cool chick, she just has busy hands.

A tad of a rant ... I really need to get this sign on my forehead that says "Whacko Chicks Apply Here" removed. Jeez. I mean, a number of ya know about the recent situation which put me in a bit of a tizzy ... seems to be a trend all of a sudden. Maybe I should go back to being 38, cuz that's right about when all of this started. Women ... can't live with 'em ... can't stop diggin' 'em.

Workin' at the SPCA again today. C'mon in and get yourself a cat! Second one is half price!

Allison, close your eyes ... here's a pic of my li'l buddy ... I get full custody this weekend while the HN is at the beach. I'll be posting a video on Myspace a bit later, too. Just a tad bit cute ...

I'm starting a new trend! What's that? Uh, yes, smart ass, I realize that being a drunken clown is already in style, and that I'm not breaking any new ground there. That's not the trend I'm starting. Tell ya what ... why don't you just stand over there for this blog? ---------->

Ok, cleared that up. So, the trend ... ever noticed how everyone always uses the phrase "knowing my luck" and it's always a bad thing that follows? You know, like ...

... knowing my luck, it'll rain tomorrow
... knowing my luck, I'll get hit by a bus
... knowing my luck, I'll get lucky with Pam Anderson and she'll have hepatitis

Whoops! Heh. Anyway, so my new trend is I'm going to use that phrase, but with good stuff behind it. I mean, I'm a pretty lucky guy ... I've got a good job, a nice house, two cool cats, I'm in good shape physically (although I'm sure my liver would object on weekends), I can talk to women without peeing myself, I don't have any burning sensations anywhere, and I haven't fallen down from drinking in a few weeks. I think. So, here we go ...

... knowing my luck, it'll be sunny tomorrow
... knowing my luck, Tom Cruise will get a flat tire on the way to his next "acting" gig
... knowing my luck, I'll go to my next class, and it'll be "Hot Brunettes Wearing Victoria's Secret Apparel Teach Microeconomics Day"
... knowing my luck, I'll open my BGE bill and it'll be full of Pez

Eh, I've lost interest in this already. Let's go forward.

I know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm in a meeting this morning, and someone actually used the term "Bed Czar." Or maybe is was "Bed Tsar." Anyway, that's a job with my name all over it. I think. Guess it sorta depends on whose bed. Might have to get back to you on that one.
If you read this noise enough, you know that I have a tendency to get really dumb stuff stuck in my head ... like Culture Club, the theme song to What's Happening, or repeated versions of Rain Man saying "92X ... bam! ... the future of rock and roll." So, I'm all excited this week, because this has been stuck in my head the whole time ...

Hmph ... I don't think so.

I'll give you another hint ... her bikini, small ... heels, tall ... she said ... she liked ... the ocean. That's right ... Ladies Love Cool James was riding with me all week.

Had a dream last night that I aced my midterm. 'Course, I also dreamt that I was playing Twister with Angelina, I had a gum chewing contest with a girl from high school, and at one point, I was being chased through the mall by that Muppet named Gonzo. That Muppet is quick, too! Li'l bastard. Note to self - no more LSD before bed.

Is it possible to smell cedar without immediately thinking of hamsters and hamster cages? I didn't think so.

The furheads are on a new feeding schedule, and it's quite the drama. Batman has taken to complaining loudly every morning that he's hungry ... or that he wants the ritual of the placing of food on the floor in a small dish to be completed. Whichever. The beauty is, this morning, I just mocked him the whole time while shaving, which ticked him off more. He then decided to tackle his sister, and she beat the catnip out of him. Good comedy at 7 am.

I love Thursday nights. I get a full workout at prime time in the gym, I generally hit the Singles Safeway to shop, do a little grillin' out, laundry ... well, ok, I love most of Thursdays ... and I can smell the weekend. *Sniff sniff*. I'm like a bloodhound when it comes to weekend, I tell ya. It's close.

There's someone here at work named Sherry Potter. Eesh. I mean, that was a fine name until 10 years ago or so. Now ...

Ok, people, hold on to your seats. Hats. Um, hold onto something. No, no, not THAT! Never mind. So, anyway, I danced this weekend. You heard me. Danced. I'm pretty good at it, too. Or at least that's what the hottie from Philly that managed to get me on the floor told me after we were done. Dancing, that is. Man, your mind is in the gutter today! I have a thing for hot Philly women, too ... must be the dark hair/Italian/fuhgedaboudit factor, but they're hard to resist. Especially if they look hot in baseball hats.

The best part is ... [cue the trumpets] ... old Portside was back, baby! It's been gone for a bit this summer, but it had a triumphant return on Friday, and Saturday was also solid. Ah, my friend Portside ... I've missed you so. 'Course, the $100 bar tab on Saturday is something I can do without. Stupid french martini shots and hot women! They'll get ya every time.

Friday, started out at the Bay Cafe happy hour. At one point, I'm talking to this woman who is Czech or Russian or ... I dunno, one of those countries where they spell their names without any vowels. I get her number, and I realize the next day that I can't pronounce her name. At all. Hmm.

At Portside, I have an interesting conversation with ... um ... well, I'm not allowed to use anyone's name in this thing anymore, so we'll just call her Girl Interrupted. No, um, Girl D. Anyway. So, this is going way back in the blog, but many, many moons ago, Girl D's friend told me that Girl D said she slept with me, when all we did was practice kissing skills, which sorta ticked me off. I mean, if I'm rumored to be knee deep in the hoopla, I'd better actually be getting the hoopla, ya know? Turns out, Girl D thought I was saying the same thing about her. You know, this story is boring me and I'm losing interest. Let's just say we smoothed things out and move on ...

An aside ... ok, folks, we all know I love to text, but if I'm talking to hotties, it's a little tough to text as well, doncha know. I can do two things at once - drink and talk ... well, three ... sometimes, I can fall down as well. So, if I suddenly stop texting ... yeah, you can take it from there. It's a little wiggy to look down at the phone and see double digit texts waiting. Eesh. Might be time to back 'er down!

So, I'm bumbling around the Square Friday, and I run smack into an old flame. Good ol' Smaltimore. I mean, there's 1.2 million people in this city or something ... pretty good odds, eh? 'Twasn't a bad thing, though ... I got a ride home out of it, which means I didn't have to make a pizza briefcase.

Saturday, started out early at Ropewalk with some very cool peeps from an Internet message board. The highlight was when I got molested. Sorta. I'm not sure if it was a highlight or not, and I think my back still has some scratches on it. I mean, if I'm going to have a female pulling my shirt off in the middle of a bar, I'd better be getting some money out of it, ya know? Drop a couple of quarters in my pocket or something. Work with me here. Plus, it's hard to hold a drink when you have one hand keeping your shirt on and the other keeping your shorts on. Just a tip to keep handy.

Dunno what it is about Fed Hill these days but man is it lame. Jeez. I walked through a number of bars and right back out. Managed to run straight into an ex, too ... what are the odds?! Obviously, they're pretty good if it can happen twice in one night. And this ex isn't happy with me at all, so it was a bit icy. Brr.

Hopped a cab back to Canton, and the cab driver was absolutely CRANKING Madonna. Now, I dig Madonna ... she's way hot, even at 50 or whatever, and I even like some of her tunes. But, on level 11 on the volume, it can be a bit much. I think I'll have Lucky Star burned into my head for a couple of weeks.

Portside had a fine cast of characters on Saturday, including CH, Leah Hot, and as an added bonus, Leah Hot's sister, who is equally hot. We'll call her Sister Hot, because I have no idea what her name is. That's also the reason why I managed to have 6 french martini shots on my tab. Oy. I don't even know what that is ... tasted like fruit juice, but most fruit juice doesn't cost $5 for an ounce.

The rest of the night is a tad hazy. I do remember having a bit of a conversation with a deaf woman ... which was interesting. She typed, I talked. Maybe I should try that out sometime ... wouldn't slur as many words. Maybe.

Today, went shopping with the HN and another friend, and I get to study for my midterm tomorrow. Fun. The real issue is, two women want me to come to Bay Cafe tonight. Should be pretty easy to focus on studying while I'm thinking about that.

Couple of other notes:

Is there anything funnier than the 10 day weather forecast? I mean, these weather clowns can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow, and they're going to tell me what it's going to do in 10 days? That's quality comedy.

Celebretard. Saw this on a message board. It's a term for someone like Lindsay Lohan or, my personal favorite, Paris Moron ... er, Hilton. I have a feeling I might be using that one a bit.

Ok, so the news of the day is that I got a smile from the woman who rides the shuttle as I walked by her this morning. I think. It's entirely possible that she has a tic in her face or was thinking about Brad Pitt in a bubble bath at the time, but I'm running with it. So, I'm trying to figure out an approach to ask her out to lunch. A few issues here:

1) By the time I see her each morning, I've already walked a good 4-5 blocks. In this heat, that's not good. I think it's pretty close to the temperature at the core of the Earth right now ... plus another 5 degrees. Therefore, I'm a tad sweaty. Chicks don't dig sweaty. Trust me, I know these things.

2) I'll also be trying this first thing in the morning. On a general day, I try not to speak to anyone until noon, other than a mumbled "G'morning" or a head nod. I count that as communication. It's just a good idea, and I've got lots of good ideas. I don't poke bears with short sticks or drink anything handed to me by a guy named Slippery Sam. I'm just not a morning person, unless it has to do with ... um ... gettin' busy wit' it?

3) I'm not really sure what #3 is. I'm thinking #1 and #2 will be tough enough. Wait ... I'll be sober.

So, this isn't quite an obstacle like going home with a bartender - which I consider the near impossible task - but it could be a bit tricky. There are bonuses:

1) I'll be in my shirt and tie, and I must say, I can look pretty sharp ... if I'm not sweaty.

2) That early in the morning, I won't care about the possibility of rejection because I won't be awake.

3) I won't be drunk.

So, we'll see how this goes, if it even happens at all. I have a tendency to come up with these lavish plans (at one point, I was going to hand her a note and a flower ... yeah, I can be that stupid sometimes), and then end up doing nothing if there's another option going on at the same time. 'Course, the way things are going lately, she'll get a boyfriend tonight, and he'll start taking her to work tomorrow.

So, I have a friend who made me promise to never put her in the blog ... so, of course, I did! Ha! Ok, this doesn't really count, since she hasn't done anything "blog-worthy" that I know of ... which we all know is likely a good thing. I only know a few things about her as it is:

1) She's hecka hot ... she has a striking resemblence to Monica Brandt ... you'll have to Google that if you don't know ... which always kinda throws me for a loop every time I see her.

2) She's allergic to cats ... which we all know means she's Communist. Even Lauren Holly would lose a few points of hotness for being Commie/allergic ... well, wait, let's not get crazy here. Actually, I think Lauren Holly could hate Pez and I'd still be down with some of that. Which is also Commie talk. Friggin' Pez haters.

I'm currently waiting for the HN to bring me my dinner, which is late. Damn hot women! She went to Ten by Six or Eight by Ten or Two by Four or ... whatever ... some Thai place in Fed Hill that isn't all that good. She was also there with Scarlett Johannsen. Ok, not the real one, but someone that looks like her ... minus the huge boobs. I went to this joint with an ex, and it was the epitome of average, but free food is free food, people, especially Thai. Basically, anything that sounds like Asian food - Thai, Chinese, Vietnamese, Wang Chung, Lucy Liu - and I'm down with it.

Mmm, had a break there while I went and got my dinner. Dag, that was some good shiz. When I asked what it was, the response was "some sort of chicken." So, I'll be ordering that the next time I'm in a Thai place. I can see it now:

Um, yes, I'll have the "some sort of chicken" and "liquid and ice in a cup". To go. Oh, and don't forget my "piece of paper with a cookie wrapped around it." Thanks.

That should garner some odd looks ... well, odder than normal.

Ok, wanna see women in skimpy bedroom clothes? Nope, you don't have to check out the Victoria's Secret catalogue. You just need to drive by the park on the way to work, cuz there are tons of 'em out walking their dogs. It's pretty comical in a way. As a bonus, they also have to do the daintily bend over and pick up doo move, which is always good comedy for cat people.

To finish, a few things you never want to hear from your SO:

- Is this a rash?
- I haven't killed anyone this whole week! Wait, what day is it?
- Honey, I bought a new crack pipe!
- Can you pick this off for me?
- When I start bleeding, call 911.
- Um, is this cat hurl on the floor or something else?
- Hey, it's your turn to clean the tarantula cage.