Man. A couple more weekends like that, and I'm going to have to pull a Paris Hilton and retire. I've also noticed that the comments here are a whole lot funnier than what I'm writing! Keep up the good work!

So, where to begin. How about Friday? The cute neighbor was having a housewarming party, so I went and got the finest bottle of champagne and headed over. Ok, ok, it was a $20 bottle that had a cool label. I'm so cultured, doncha know. I also got her a bottle of Cap'n as a joke ... in case I ever run out. Some people borrow a cup of sugar, I borrow what's important.

Good party. She had enough food to feed an entire army ... or Rosie O'Donnell on a bender. Take your pick. She also got to meet one of our neighbors who ... mmm ... well, to use a line from Fat Albert, he's like a teacher on summer vacation. We'll see if you can figure that one out.

I putzed around there for a bit, then headed down to Canton Square, which couldn't have been more boring ... until right before I left when I saw the hot girl from the gym that I've mentioned previously. Unfortunately, she was leaving, so I decided this was the perfect time to profess my undying admiration for her ... in an alley. Hey, I'm an old-fashioned romantic, what can I say? So, here's the convo (note ... this is written in regular English. You'll have to use your imagination to get the full drunken effect):

Me: Hey, you're Shelly right? I know you from the gym, my name is Jack. Do you know who I am?
She: Um, no.
Me: [flabbergasted that she couldn't know me and not sure what to say] ... uh ... uh ... well, I think you're really attractive. Are you headed home?
She: Um, yes.
Me: Well, do you need an escort home? You shouldn't be walking alone at night (it's always good to mention safety when you're somewhat tipsy and fumbling for things to say, especially in an alley)
She: Um, no. I live right over there.
Me: Ok, well, I'll see you at the gym.
She: Um, sure.

So, we've got our first conversation out of the way. I figure at this rate, we'll be dating any second now. I'm just going to sit at home by the phone and wait for her call.

After that, I headed back to the block, and the housewarming party was still going on. Bonus! To protect the innocent, the rest of the night will be censored. Let's just say that I've broken one of the rules I've mentioned in previous blogs, and the neighborhood just got a little friendlier.

On to Saturday! Now, I don't know how many of you know what gout is. Frankly, I thought it was made up, like Bigfoot or Paris Hilton's brain, but it's a real disease! My buddy Mark is afflicted with it, and I guess it can come about when you do certain things - eat too much salty food, drink too much alcohol -you know, actual fun stuff. So, each year, he has a big party called Goutfest, which involves the entire list of things he's not supposed to do, with a couple more tossed in just to really liven things up. One of the things on MY list for the party apparently involved making out in the back seat of a car, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

Here are a few of the people I saw at Goutfest: The Stallion, Chunky, The Chop, and The Mice. Yup, them's some of my friends. And you wonder why I'm like I am?

Split out of there in the early evening and headed back to Baltimore to hit another party, which was being disguised as a Flip Cup tournament. If you've never played flip cup, it ain't rocket science, and the name pretty much says it all. 'Course, by the time I got there (the party started at 3), everyone's cups had already been flipped a number of times. I'm pretty sure one of my friends never saw me, even though I was sitting right next to him for about an hour.

I also ran into the beautiful Miss Andrea at this party, which might be a story for another time ... if she ever wises up, dumps her boyfriend, and starts talking to me. Heh. Seems to be a trend.

'Course, the evening wouldn't be complete without me doing something really stupid ... you know, like driving to DC without my wallet and with very little juice on my cell when the gas tank on my car is riding on empty. It's always interesting when you hand the gas station attendant $2.15 in dimes and nickels at 1:00 in the morning, too. Who says you need to join the Army to have an adventure? The rest of this evening is also confidential to protect the innocent ... or the not-so-innocent, however you want to look at it.

Sunday was supposed to be the quiet day. You know, the Sabbath, the day of rest, all that good stuff. Everything was going really well at the O's game - then, I met my friends at the Fed Hill Blues Festival. One friend was going to get drinks, and I asked for an ice water. Sticking to my not drinking on Sunday guns, doncha know. I'm talking to someone, when another buddy leans over and says "hey, your ice water looks a little dark". Next thing I know, I'm looking at a lime floating around with my Cap'n buddy. Cripes.

I also found out that I'm not allowed to talk to any women that my buddies are interested in anymore. This may sound kind of odd, but it's actually a bonus in disguise, since one of these women is a bartender where we normally go. Hey, if I can't talk to her, I can't order drinks! Ha! Looks like I'm drinkin' for free as long as this rule is in effect!

So, to recap:

Always be careful when petting neighbors
Dark water usually isn't water, especially if there's a lime in it
Always hit on women that you like in alleys - they love that
Be sure to carry plenty of nickels and dimes in your vehicle for special occassions
Look out for the gout

I think that's it. I need a nap now.