Homeless lotto, asparagus pee, hamsters
Current mood: woofy

Is there anything more disturbing than getting on an elevator, and having it do something really strange right after you board? I got on one this morning, and it zipped up to the 4th floor, stopped, and then started up to the 6th floor. Yummers. Nothing like that to wake you up in the morning. S'ok ... I figure in case of an elevator accident, I'll just defy the laws of physics and jump right before it lands. Should save me.

I've started giving lottery tickets to homeless people. How's that for weird? They always look at me like there's some sort of catch, too, although the last guy smiled, gave me the gun-finger point, and said "scratch off". I'm not sure if that was a request or a comment, so I just kept walking.

I just gave blood, and found out after it that I can't work out for 12 hours. So, of course, I'm going to the gym right after work. I mean, how could I resist an opportunity like this? I could pass out right in front of all of my fellow gymsters! Maybe the smiling hot girl will give me mouth to mouth. Hmm ... maybe some big burly guy will instead. Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

I've got a new tune. It's called "Cat Hurl on the Rug". I haven't written the whole song yet, but I've got the chorus. It goes like this ... "Cat Hurl on the Rug, there's Cat Hurl on the Rug". It's got kind of a rock and roll backing to it. Maybe some backup singers involved. I got to sing my new song this morning when there was ... yup, you guessed it ... cat hurl on the rug. I think it's time to switch back to the hairball control food.

The lady at Safeway charged me $80.01 for green beans last night. Strangely enough, they were regular ol' green beans, not made of gold or anything. And I thought gas was expensive. You know, I went home, had them for dinner, and I have to be honest ... they tasted like $2.01 green beans. Strange, huh? Ok, ok, she corrected the mistake before I paid, but it was quite interesting at the time.

Did you know that asparagus makes urine smell really, really bad? Just a tip for ya, in case you were wondering.
We had a big assed storm last night, which was cool as hell ... until it knocked out the TV. Now, is there any odder reaction than when the TV goes out? I just sat there, staring at it blankly, for about 5 minutes. I mean, we all know that if it comes back on, I'm gonna go running back like some Pavlovian idiot, so there's no reason to go do something else. Fortunately, it did come on, or I would've had to do something productive like read or figure out a cure for cancer. Whew.

Man, I really have to pee. You'd think I'd stop holding it like this. One of these days, when I'm on the donor list for a kidney replacement, somebody remind me of my stupidity.

Ok, here's a mini rant for today. What's the stupidest pet? Snakes? No. Spiders. No. Both dumb, but the winner in my book is the friggin' HAMSTER! Yeah. I know what you're saying/thinking ... they're soooo cute. It's true, they are cute. I mean, I like pretty much anything with fur ... and you can run with that comment all you want. But, all hamsters ever try to do is get away. That's it. Put 'em on the floor, they try to run away. Put 'em on your leg, they run. Hell, even when you put them in the clear ball prison to watch them roll around and bump into things, they still try to get away, they just do it in a more circular fashion.

When I was in high school, we had a hamster, and this squirt was the friggin' Houdini of hamsters. He must've figured out every possible way to get out of his cage. One time, he ran up into the little rooftop deck area he had (which was basically just a tube up to a little square box), and he put his teeth in the air holes and got it open. So, I put tape on the thing, and he went up there and pushed on it with his back until it popped off. Needless to say, the li'l dork lost his rooftop deck after that.

A few weeks later, yup, you guessed it, he got away and we couldn't find him for some time. Usually he got about halfway down the hall before he was re-captured. I always wondered what he was thinking in those few seconds of freedom ... I'm free! I'm gonna go get me all the friggin' peanuts I can eat, and a couple of hamster chicks, and maybe some hamster shots at the hamster bar. Etc.

Anyway, about a month later, I was moving some tires around in our storage room, and there he was. It was pretty comical ... he had this Mount Everest sized pile of peanuts built up right in the middle of the tire area. I guess in Hamster World, peanuts are gold and tires are the Bahamas. I almost felt bad about taking him back to his cage. I mean, if I was sitting on a pile of gold in the Bahamas, I wouldn't want to move. But, hey, I think I paid all of about $1.28 for him, so I didn't want my money to go to waste.

They're also nocturnal animals, so the entire time you're asleep, they're rooting around in their cages ... sing along with me ... trying to get away! I guess I shouldn't say asleep, since mine usually kept me up at night, so much so that I would lob pillows at his cage to get him to quiet down. Any time there was a bump on the cage, he'd chill for about 5 minutes, then go back to trying to break out. Yeah, as I said ... bad, bad pet.

I can't believe I just wrote four paragraphs on a hamster. That should be worth an award right there ... for least important blog of the century. Hey, you want some fluff? Step right up! I'm servin'!