So, I've been home all week with that stupid sinus infection nonsense again. Here's my question. I'm watching The Price Is Right ... for the models, of course ... and some lady does the ol' bid $1 more than the person next to her trick. It's only a matter of time before someone gets punched for that, right? I mean, if looks could kill, that lady woulda been casketed in a matter of seconds.

Yeah, that's right, I'm home. Why? Because I decided to go on walkabout in Federal Hill Friday night in the freezing cold rain. Brilliant! Here's Friday's list:

Bedrock, Federal Hill Lounge, Grumpie's (twice), Crazy Lil's, Mother's, Magerk's, Thirsty Dog and Sisson's. I finished up the night by eating an entire gyros platter from Maria D's. Ugh. Needless to say, I ran to the gym Saturday morning to do a spin class and burn the mega calories. I think I finished the entire platter thingy on the cab ride home. Oofa. There are few things better than burping up cucumber sauce on the bike, too. Yummy!

So, as if that wasn't bad enough for the health, I topped it off by working the dog festival on Saturday. 'Twas an interesting enough time, but it was Blustery City. Eesh. Got home from that, showered up, knocked down a drink and progressively started feeling worse and worse. I spent the rest of the night on the couch, wondering who was at Portside. Gah!

I mean, are you kidding me? Not only did I miss a night when women have an excuse to dress like hookers, vampires, vixens and nurses in skimpy clothes, I also missed the one night of the year when I get an extra hour of fun! If I was a small girl, I would've started crying. Ah, who am I kidding ... I bawled my eyes out. Heh. Ok, maybe that was because there was a touching scene in one of the movies on the Playboy Channel.

Oh, and as a final topper to a rough weekend, I'm riding my bike home from the Dog Event. I've got a couple of bags of groceries from Safeway, and my bookbag, so I'm pretty loaded down. I get to this corner, the wind gusts, I try to swerve a bit and I completely and totally wipe out. I actually laid in the middle of Ellwood Street on my back for a good 30 seconds laughing, then I realized I was laying in the middle of the street. Too bad there wasn't video of that one, cuz it was classic. I did manage to do it right in front of Tutti Gusti, so if anyone was there around 5:30 on Saturday, you got a good show.

There was a brilliant idea concocted by a young nurse and I Friday night at Bedrock. This is sheer genius. Well, if you've been reading my blogs, you'll know that my ideas are a whole lot more idiotic than genius, but whatever.

It's called ... well, ok, I have no idea what to name this company, but it's basically nurses that go to houses and set up IVs for people with hangovers. You can have options, too. If you want them to show up with Gatorade and McDonald's, that can be worked into the visit. Yes, yes, back to the drawing board and all that noise.

Ok, so from the previous blog ... the dudes in my head with the itinerary. I'd imagine there's this entire staff of little people in my head, and here's what they do every morning:

Ok, everyone ... gather round and pipe down. It's time to plan the days events. Here's our tentative schedule:

6:00 ... activate the urge to whizz mechanism ... yes, I realize this is a full 90 minutes before we wake up our human vehicle, but it's good for some quality humor as we watch him try to hold it for 90 whole minutes
6:22 ... laugh hysterically as human vehicle gives up, goes to whizz, then returns to slumbering
6:59 ... plant Abba "Fernando" repetitive loop into ear canal
7:00 ... alarm sounds, activate Operation Fernando ... please note, this will run for 3 full days before it will be replaced by "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats
8:00 ... active "Forget" mechanism just before departing the house ... this will cause the human vehicle to have to return to the house 10 minutes later to grab his IDs ...
8:30 ... work time ... active "Throw In Random Dumb Mistake" mechanism to run through the end of the work day ... as a bonus, you can also active "Forget Manager's Names" at odd intervals
6:00 ... now, the human vehicle has been trying to stuff Macroeconomics definitions into the Memory Chasm in preparation for a midterm. We must resist this effort! Here is a list of the memories that must be preserved in this endeavor:

- his high school girlfriend's phone number
- George Fosters home run and RBI totals in 1976
- the lyrics to the song "Fishheads"
- the plot of every Brady Bunch episode

Also, on weekends, be sure to active the "Forget Everything You Talked About With a Hottie" mechanism at precisely 11:00 pm.

That is all. And hey! Let's be careful out there.

So, this was pretty comical. I'm feeding the feral furs out back, and they both go to dive into the food bowl, bump heads, hiss at each other, then start chowing down. Ah, young love.

I'm curious. It's not a good sign if the bartender you've been practicing kissing skills with chases you down on the street - not to give you a good night's kiss but to give you your credit card back? Yeah, I kinda figured that.

So, looks like I'm going to Mexico for a few days around Thanksgiving for some R&R. That's Rest and Relaxation, although it could easily be Rum and Rum. The best part is this will give me a chance to use my busted up, JV, heinky Spanish skills. F'rinstance, I could easily see this happening:

Mean to say: Where the women at?
Actually say: Where are the pregnant, married prostitutes?

MTS: Where's the bathroom?
AS: Can I pee on your dog?

MTS: Can I have change for a dollar?
AS: Can I have a quarter for my dollar?

MTS: I'm from Baltimore, and I'm 39.
AS: I'm from prison, and I have 39 STDs.

Two notes from last weekend:

"Dinner is after the bars close"

We're at happy hour, and everyone and their mother decides it's time for dinner. Dinner?! What the hell? So, naturally, I get stuck by myself in what I like to call No Man's Land. Basically, that's from 8-10, when everyone's at dinner, and I'm at the bar hanging out with the 3 other people in the bar waiting for people to show up. I might have to start going to the gym during that time or something.

So, anyway, dinner is after the bars close. Know it. Learn it. Love it.

"Auto flush 5 times"

I'm in some joint, and I go to the whizzer. As I'm standing there, the friggin' thing flushes 5 times. Mmm, not really all that helpful for my pants and ... uh ... equipment ... to get a shower at happy hour. At least not in the bathroom or without a female present.

Not much of a weekend recap here, mainly because it's so long ago now that I don't really remember. I did have some fun on Saturday chasing, and I think there was even a half assed sort of catch in there at some point. A tip - pizza is very good bait after midnight.

Speaking of catches, I like to call this blurb the great cat catch at the SPCA. I'm there on Saturday, and I've got one of the furs out and he's hanging out on the counter. I'm checking something else out for a moment with my head turned, and someone comes busting in the door. Furboy decides he's going to make a break for it, and I make one of the greatest cat catches in the history of ... uh ... catching cats. I wish I had it on video or something. It was basically a one leg, off balance lunging snag of a cat in midair. Ok, so this story is useless without images. Forget it!

Been listening to the Grey's Anatomy 2 soundtrack, which is pretty good, but sounds very similar to the first one. Check out a song called Kaboom! by Ursula 2000, though. It's hilarious. Generally, being a music snob, I turn my nose up at silly songs, but this one cracks me up. A warning ... be prepared to be saying "Hello Baby" in an odd voice for a few days after a listen.

Dudes in my head planning the day's itinerary. Hmm ... I think I'm going to save that one for the next blog.

Working this dog festival on Saturday from 1-5 at the Can Company in Canton. Come by and watch me freeze my ass off! Yeah!

Check this out ... on the list of dumb Jack moves, this is a classic. So, I'm downloading tunes from this dude named Charlie Sexton, who is this fantastic guitarist out of Texas. I go to listen to one of the songs. I click on it, and I'm all kinds of fired up - Charlie Sexton is covering this fantastic Charlie Rich song ... and he sounds just like him! I can't believe how cool this is. I'm sitting there diggin' it, and then I realize that I've actually clicked on the Charlie Rich song. Cripes.

The Charlie Sexton stuff is pretty cool, though. Check it out if you get a chance.

Ok, I've come up with a whole points system for cats.

Running up the stairs while I'm coming down ... -10 points
Rubbing up on someone that's allergic to cats ... -2 points
Rubbing up on someone that I don't like that's allergic to cats ... +10 points
Playing around in a comical way ... +10 points
Playing around in a comical way in my bed at 3 am ... -20 points
Playing around in a comical way in my bed when I'm getting busy with someone ... -50 points
Complaining about a lack of food when it's feeding time ... 0 points
Complaining about a lack of food when I first get out of bed ... -10 points
Complaining about a lack of food when I'm getting busy with someone ... -50 points
Tapping my arm in a cute way when you want to be petted ... +10 points
Tapping my head in a cute way when you want to be petted ... -5 points
Hurling ... -2 points
Hurling on my shoes ... -25 points
Hurling on me ... -50 points
Hurling on Tom Cruise ... +25 points

Weekend recap. Friday, I had the great idea that I was going to lessen my drunkenness and hence, my stumblyness (yes, I just made that up), by mixing in water with the booze. Well, it worked ... sorta. I ended up so bloated I could barely walk. I seriously felt like that kid Victoria or Valerie or whatever in Willie Wonka ... you know, the one that turns into a giant blueberry. I kept waiting for the Oompa Loompas to come and roll me out of the bar and take me to the Juicing Room. The cool thing is, I think if someone had shot me, I would've just sprung a leak, like in the cartoons.

So, I'm cruising along like this at Portside, and I'm kinda bored (probably because I'm not drunk enough), and I come up with a genius idea ... go to a lesbian bar! Hey, at the least, the girl/guy ratio is going to be pretty good, right? Ok, ok, I had an actual reason to go - to hit on the only straight female in there - the bartender. You gotta have goals in life, people.

I walk in, and I get the usual odd stare from the dude at the door. One of those "Mmm, does this dude know this is a lesbian bar?" sorta things. I manage to grab a seat at the end, which is perfect ... except for the Kool Aid shooters she keeps giving me. Um, so much for not getting drunk. I was a little disappointed that the Kool Aid guy didn't bust through the wall with an "Oh yeah!", though. Dangit. If I'm drinking Kool Aid, even if it's alcoholic, I want the full effect!

Saturday, the whole water experiment was tossed right out the window. Went to a housewarming party. 'Course, no house is complete without a bottle of Captain Morgan's. Unfortunately, said house still doesn't have a bottle of Captain because another attendee and I drank the whole thing. Whoops! Um, sorry. I'm also proud to say that I wasn't the person that fell down the stairs ... this time.

I also found out that I like to go to the "clubs" in Federal Hill, which sorta threw me. 'Course, the person that told me that isn't exactly the hippest cat in the catworld. So, I guess I should listed "clubbin'" as one of my interests. Or not.

Hit Fed Hill Lounge after the party. Dudes, if you want to talk to a woman, all you have to do is ask her about her outfit, and then stand back and watch the fountain of conversation that flows from there. There's your tip for the day. That'll be $5.

Naturally, I had to head back to Canton and check out Portside, which was fairly tame again. I did get the business card of someone I have a bit of a past with ... one of those "Hmmm ... why did I get this?" moments the next morning. I still haven't figured it out. Pretty good odds that I won't.

Sunday ... recovery ... and the return of the Pittsburgh Steelers! Woot!

We had this department-wide sexual harrassment training thingy last week. Is it a bad thing if I thought the presenter was kind of hot? Hmm ... I may not be going to hell, but ...

Sklurg. Either I'm under the weather, still hungover from the weekend, or it's my time of the month. Strangely enough, each is equally possible. I'm actually leaning towards the time of the month thing, even though I'm a dude and I haven't eaten an entire truck of chocolate or killed anyone ... yet.

The weekend was a little out of hand. Ok, I guess that's all relative. If you're Tommy Lee, it was fairly normal. If you're Dear Abby, it was frightening.

Friday. The plan for Friday was to take it easy ... which explains why I was stumbling home after closing the bars doing my usual pizza and wings delivery. I tried mixing in water, but I think it was secretly vodka. Or maybe it was city water, which means it likely had some crack in it. Things remembered:

- They played Jermaine Stewart at Portside, right after a Michael Jackson song. I turned to someone and asked "What, is it pedophile night?", and got an odd look in return. Upon researching later, I found out that Jermaine Stewart wasn't busted for child shenanigans like I thought. Ok, so that joke didn't work.

- "Dude who smells like coffee". One of my notes. I really don't think it's a good thing that I'm noting the smell of dudes.

- "SOS". This was just before midnight. Clearly, I needed help. Actually, it meant something else, but I forget what it was. Son Of Sam? Spawn Of Satan? Sleeping On Square? It's a mystery.

Eh, screw Friday ... Saturday was a much more comical day and night.

Started out the day working the SPCA tent at the Fell's Point Festival. My shift started at 10. That's AM. As a bonus, I promised this pretty thing that I'd bring her coffee to start the day. As a double bonus, I had to ride my bike because parking is a nightmare during the festival. Did I mention that the Perfect Storm was happening at the same time? What a combo! Pouring rain, freezing cold, bike, coffee, riding on wet cobblestones ... I think I should've topped it off by juggling a bowling ball and an axe and trying to balance the budget.

The day actually went pretty well. Got out of there at 3, hit the gym, then headed to DC for fun. We hung out for a bit at a friend's house, which gave me the opportunity to make my own drinks. Let's list the bad ideas:

Jack makes his own drinks
Jack goes to a fancy club
Friends get Jack into the VIP room
Friends get a private table and order bottle service, including a bottle of Captain for Jack

Talk about your recipe for disaster. Two major highlights of the night:

1) Ok, we all know I like making fun of myself. It's my favorite hobby, next to practicing kissing skills and waking up people with late night phone calls. I've often mentioned my ability to fall down, but it actually rarely happens. Well, this was not one of those nights. Technically, to be fair, it was more of a furniture mishap, but it counts! I have the bruise on my ass to prove it!

Basically, we're up on this stage at our private table, above the club, and I went to sit down and the chair sorta tipped over on me. Or I tipped over on it. Or something. Chunky and I were discussing later, and it turns out that the chair was more of a table. Hey, I'll sit anywhere, as long as Richard Simmons isn't involved.

2) I decided that everyone needed to share in our fun, so I took the bottle of Captain and started walking around the club with it. I haven't the slightest idea how I didn't get kicked out or at least tweaked ... you'd think the club workers wouldn't be that happy with some clown handing out Captain, but I guess I'm just that charming.

A quick review of dialed call times ... 3:08, 3:12, 3:18, 3:24 ... yeah, those are all AM times as well. Apparently, I'm the only person awake at those times.

Sunday. Man, Sunday was FUNtastic. Check out this checklist:

Beautiful day
Fell's Point Festival
DuClaw's
Red Star
Football
Kissed an attractive German girl

I also realized I have a skill ... I can spot the straight woman in a crowd of lesbians. Ok, I generally cheat and ask a lesbian friend close by if the one I'm into is straight, but still. I'm thinking if I can figure a way to market this, I'm gold!

Interviewer: Do you have any experience?
Me: No
Interviewer: Have you ever worked at the Playboy Mansion before?
Me: No
Interviewer: Do you have any skills?
Me: Um, I can spot a straight woman in a crowd of lesbians
Interviewer: That's exactly what we've been looking for! When can you start?

Ugh. Is it friggin' Friday yet?

Sklurg! Oh yah, the new Beck is TERIFF! That's right, I just used "teriff" in a sentence. CHA! Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, the Beck. Drives me nuts when I interrupt myself. Like right there. And now. And this right here. Stop it!

So, best tunes, in order ... I'm going with "Soldier Jane" (the ending is pretty hecka cool), "The Information" (has sort of an ominous feel to it), and "Think I'm In Love" (fairly basic tune driven by a neat little bass hook). Beck's one of the few artists, and this includes the Foo Fighters, that I can pick up a new CD and immediately get deep into it. I imagine I'll get hit by a Dave Grohl bolt of lightning soon.

Weekend recap. Funny thing is, I noted on Saturday that I don't even need to DO anything anymore ... this stuff just writes itself. I just go out, stand around, occasionally do something dumb (we'll get to that in a bit), and then go home. It's quite fascinating. To the notes!

Note #1: "Must beat up handwarmer guy"

Ok, is there seriously a worse invention than the handwarmer thing in the bathroom? Seriously! I mean, the only thing that could be worse is if someone invented a stick to poke yourself in the eye while you're trying to dry your hands. Oh, and Peeps. Yeah, those nasty li'l marshmallow things that come around every Easter. On the list of bad inventions, it goes (1) Peeps and (2) handwarmer thing.

Note #2: "3rd version of Jim's shirt"

I wrote about Jim's shirt a few blogs back. I saw a third version this weekend - same colors and design, but the collar was different or something. This thing is unbelievable. Actually, THAT might be the worst invention, moving Peeps and the handwarmer thing down one notch. The beauty is that there are now 3 dudes walking around wearing these things. Oy.

Note #3: "Girl who knows my name - no clue who she is"

This was at Claddaugh. I think. For some reason, I felt the need to note this, maybe thinking that it would spring my memory later. Nope.

Note #4: "Premature departure - out of booze!"

Obviously, these are in reverse chronological order. I'm at the house before I head out, rockin', and the bottle of Captain has the nerve to go empty on me. I also realize that I used the emergency bottle that I stowed at the HN's a few months ago. I'm completely dry! Talk about panic time. I literally ran to the Square. Yes, I've got issues.

An aside - I just got a call that started out "Please hold for a very important call." I hung up. Um, if it was THAT important, I wouldn't be on hold, would I? Nimbitzes.

Ok, so for the dumb Jack part. I think I'm just going to go with the short version of this. Absolutely beautiful woman that I've been digging for some time, Portside, asks me to come outside to talk to her, I haven't the slightest idea what we discussed. I mean, this was about a 20 minute conversation, and it's completely gone. All I remember is she had on this black dress that was quite striking. Hmm ... might be time to start mixing in a water here and there!

As a bonus, I see her at the gym on Monday, and she gives me a smile. I'm not sure if it was a good or bad smile, either. Fascinating. I think it might be time to go back to this strategy:

Do you like me? Check one box

Yes
No

I figure at least that way, I'll have a written record. Plus, that might be a legal binding document.

On my way home, I apparently had a long phone conversation with a li'l darling who lives in Philly about what she was wearing to bed. This conversation took place on the steps of a local hair salon, as it was raining and I was taking cover under the awning. We all know how good I am with phones in the rain. I told ya ... this stuff just writes itself.

So, this weekend is the Fell's Point Festival. Biggest party of the year in Baltimore. Huge event. Can someone explain to me why I'm going to DC on Saturday night? Stupid friends, that's why. If the weather's decent, I get to work the SPCA table from 10-3, so that'll be fun at least.

Check this out. I also got a hilarious drunk message at 3:22 am on Saturday. This is pretty much verbatim:

Yo! You're f****** up, kid ... azzbl siznog I'm hammered ... It's 3:20 ... on my way home ... bout to spill ... I don't even remember ... frbl sintly bruble whatever ...
Anyway ... hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhholler! ... peace out ...

That's right ... someone was actually more drunk than I was! HA!