Braille at ATMs and lame friends (hey, that rhymes!)

So, I've put out an ad for a new wingman/woman. Apparently, in the 2+ years I was in a relationship, my friends have all turned LAME. Cripes. Either they don't go out at all, or when they do, it's only until 9 or 10 or so, and I'm a big time night owl.

Ok, I didn't really put out an ad, I just like complaining about it. I really enjoy being single and meeting new people ... if there's someone to go out with. Going out alone is a little weird. Stupid friends.

Ok, for all of you that keep asking that question about why drive up banks have Braille on the ATMs, here's your answer ... blind people take TAXIs, and access the machine from the back seat. I can't believe I'm the first person to figure this out. Well, except for the folks at the bank, of course.

Sleepy Time tea. Um, doesn't most tea have caffeine in it? Isn't that contrary to "sleepy time" for most of us? This has confused me for some time.

I get to do observation again today. I'm doing the blog now, because I'm almost afraid of what I'm going to see. Luckily, I think this is the last time. Tomorrow, I get to report my findings. I think I'm going to leave all the weird stuff from the previous blog out. Just a hunch.

Next purchase on the list - a gas grill. Now, I have one of those indoor Foreman jobs, although it ain't Foreman's, it's some generic brand. I don't know that I can give money to a dude that names all 7 of his kids George. Cripes. Does he just call them by number, or just wait until they all show up and grab the one he wants? So, anyway, I'm trying to figure out just how dumb it is to throw $100+ bucks into an outdoor grill when I have an indoor grill. Of course, I'm the dope that just bought a crock pot ... whatever the hell that's supposed to do. My guess is I'll buy the grill simply because spending money gives me some sort of perverse pleasure. It's like watching the Surreal Life on TV, minus the boobs (by boobs, I'm talking about the people, not the actual boobs).

Ok, I'm off to do my observations. Here's hoping I don't see any of you there.

A heroin addict, B&J, and when poker ain't sex

I just started working at Hopkins, and I'm doing some observation in one of our units. I get to hang out in the reception area, and this is some of the extra stuff I got to "observe" today ...

- This lady told me her entire life story, including how she used to be a heroin/cocaine addict (not seperately ... she shot those two li'l druggie pups at the same time, right in the ol' blood valve), how she would steal dope from her dealer boyfriend, and how he used to beat her. I'm a pretty good listener, but there are some things I don't really need to hear. Unfortunately, she wasn't single. That's a joke, people.

- These three young dudes came in, and spend most of the time saying "I'm Rick James, bitch" back and forth to each other on their cell phones. It was funny the first time, even though that bit is as old as Rick James himself, may he rest in some sort of peace. The 74th time, it got a bit old.

- Some lady got tossed out because she had a fit and started dropping MFer bombs all over the lobby. It was like a war zone with all them bombs, people. I'm still a little shell shocked. I'm a quaint and fragile little soul, doncha know.

- This lady was in the waiting room, and I guess she was in a lot of pain, because she kept moaning. Problem was, her moans sounded disturbingly sexual. I mean, I watched Bikini Airways on Skinemax the other night, and this lady was topping that soundtrack. Very, very strange. I may never have sex again. Mmm, never mind. I just remembered that I really enjoy sex.

- Two different dudes fell asleep in the waiting room and were snoring loud enough to keep everyone else wide awake ... yet they kept on sleeping. Fascinating. The first time, it almost rattled the pen out of my hand, and I think it woke up Liberace.

So, I've got 3 more days of this. It's an inner city hospital, so there's always something wacky going on.

They just announced the lineup for the HFStival, and I think I'm actually going. Friggin' BILLY IDOL is in the lineup! I said BILLY IDOL! I almost missed a football game in my senior year of high school to go to one of his concerts, that's how much I like the dude. Sing along with me ... FLESH ... FLESH FOR FANTASY! Whew. Oh, and there's like 20 some other bands playing, too. Whatever.

Although ... Coldplay is one of them, which is very cool. I like me some Coldplay, baby. God put a smile on your face, and all that stuff. Plus, the lead singer is boppin' Gwenyth Paltrow. You go, lead singer dude. Keep naming your kids after fruit. Can't wait for Kiwi Paltrow.

It's official. Ben and/or Jerry are bastards. They just released FOUR new flavors. Four! I'm burning all kinds of calories here on this new workout plan, and those SOBs come out with four new flavors. I'm thinking of hiring a hot chick with an STD to go visit those two. Let's see them develop new flavors when they have the friggin' clap.

Hey, when a hot chick asks you if you want to play poker, is she talking about cards? Well, if you're me, she is. Bummer. I mean, I like cards, but ...

I don't really get text messaging. I have it on my phone, and every time I do it, I'm mentally just kicking myself in the ass for not just CALLING the person. I mean, I'm holding a PHONE in my hand, writing a message! No one ever said I was smart.O

k, that's enough for now. I think they're re-running Bikini Airways on the 'Skin. Sleep tight, my pups.

Bunny Hop

Hey, it's Easter Sunday. Other than not having to go to work, that ain't all that exciting. In fact, my friggin' gym closed early today, so I can't even go work out. Yippee.

Well, somebody woke up grumpy today!

That's my other voice talking in my head. Most days, we have some interesting conversations. Today is NOT one of those days.

So ... anyway, now that you're totally weirded out, here's my music tip of the day. Go buy (or steal, depending on your personal values) a song called "Texas" by a dude named Chris Rea. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. The guy's got an absolutely amazing voice, and the song is one of those sit back, relax, and chill sorta things. Quality.

I think it's a music discussion day. The Garden State soundtrack is another good listen. I particularly like 3 songs ... and I'm probably going to totally screw up the names/artists because I was up until 4 last night drunk emailin'. Let's see ... there's a song by a band named Zero 7, which is a floaty little piece of work with some sassy lady singin' the lead. Then, there's a little guitar pickin' ditty by a guy named Nick Drake, with a little piano behind it. Finally, a song called "Blue Eyes" which always reminds me of an ex GF. I'm not sure why that matters, but the song's good. Those three are the ones you'll need to pass the test. What test you ask? I haven't quite figured that out yet.

My cat says hello. Actually, he says hello to EVERYONE, over and over and over again. His sister never speaks. I guess he talks enough for the both of them. If you ever decide to get cats, get two. It's daily entertainment watching them interact. They have this ongoing battle over one of the blankets on my couch. Apparently, in cat world, that blanket is like friggin' Eden or something.

Hmm ... now I have the Nick Drake song stuck in my head. Lovely. Ok, I did a bulletin board post on this, but I had to put it in my blog, because it makes me laugh every time I think about it. Here's the story, morning glory:

My buddy Ricky was at Preakness one year, and this TOTALLY wasted dude came stumbling by. He tripped on something (probably a blade of grass - those things can be trippy), and did a complete and total FACEPLANT on the ground. I mean, dude was so blotto, he didn't even lift a finger to break his fall ... like a fish falling into a boat. Flop.So, he wallows there for 10 seconds or so, then finally manages to drag his ass back to some semblance of verticality. He turns to the group of folks Ricky was with, he's got a nice piece of sod stuck to his forehead, grass in his teeth, and utters this classic line, which we use CONSTANTLY:

"GOOD 'NUFF!"

Then, he stumbled off. To this day, he's a legend. Bless, you my grass-eatin', floppy-bodied bretheren. You are what makes life worth livin'!

Nerd bulletin point of the week. I managed to break my glasses last week. Dunno if you even wear glasses, but there's this little teeny tiny screw that hold the ... uh, arm ... um, together with the ... uh, frame? Hell, I don't know what the parts are called. Anyway, so apparently, you need a magic tiny screwdriver to get this screw back into the ... uh, joint? Screwholder? Whatever. So, I guess I have to go find a miniature shop or something that sells miniature screwdrivers. Maybe I can get them to miniaturize my Visa bill while I'm there. The reason this is a nerd bulletin is that I'm currently holding the ... uh, joint ... together with a paperclip now. I mean, am I the height of coolness, or what?

If you're even in the Baltimore area, check out a restaurant called Gecko's on Fleet Street. Really, really good stuff. You won't be disappointed. Maybe I'll get a discount for the free advertising.

It's 1:00 in the afternoon. It might be time to go back to bed.

Today's random subject line ... Hoobastank, cuz it's fun to say!

Just got through putzing around on the guitar for a bit. Gotta say, the Counting Crows' "August and Everything After" is one of the finer CDs ever. Adam Duritz might be a strange dude, but he can seriously pen a tune. Check out "Raining In Baltimore" some time if you haven't already and dig into the lyrics. It's a pretty basic song, but it's also one of the most beautiful "miss you" songs ever written. Good, quality stuff.

I've started doing a combo of circuit and interval training, and it kicks ass. If you're interested in details, email me.

I bought a crock pot this week ... like I need another friggin' appliance. It's kind of an odd thing ... the name itself is kinda odd in general. Crock pot. Say that without laughing once. So, anyway, I made some chili in it, and it was incredible how much better it tasted. I mean, it was like a party in my mouth, and everyone was invited. Ok, I'm kidding. I really didn't notice much of a difference. Ah well, I just gave Sam Walton another $14.44. The dude is probably short on cash anyway.

I'm listening to the Doobie Brothers right now as I type this. Was there a more blatant drug reference ever in a band name than that one. DOOBIE Brothers? Cripes. Might as well call yourself Pass The Bong or Weed Rules. At least they didn't LOOK like they smoked dope ... heh. If it wasn't for Cheech and Chong, those dudes would be the poster boys for cheeba.

This just in - online banking and bill payin' is the greatest thing since Internet porn. Hmm ... maybe I was a little too frank there. It's pretty cool, though.

Speaking of porn, these damned kids today have it so easy. I remember we found a nudie magazine in a garbage can or something one time when we were kids, and it was like gold. I think that thing was handed down for years. I won't get any more graphic than that.

We are now one month from the return of Family Guy. Let me just add this ... hurry the frick up!

How incredibly disturbing is this Michael Jackson stuff? All I've seen are headlines here and there, and I've made a point of NOT watching any of the court stuff, but it's really getting ugly. Obviously, this isn't as bad as something like Dahmer or Bundy, but it's almost equally disturbing, especially for those of us who grew up trying to learn how to moonwalk. That damn dance. I never did figure out how to do that, or how to break dance. So, in my world, both of them were stupid and totally uncool. Ha!

I have this bootlegged .mp3 of Springsteen doing "Glory Days", and you can totally hear some dude singing in the crowd. It is friggin' hilarious. I know I'm the world's best singer in the car with the windows rolled up. Hell, I can even sound like Whitney Houston if I try. The greatest love of allllllll .... see?

If you ever get a chance to see Jim Gaffigan do stand up, get on it. The funniest act I've ever seen, and it's completely clean.

Has Ben Stiller ever played a likeable character? I just watched Reality Bites. Nope. Meet The Parents? Nope. There's Something About Mary? Nope. Your Friends And Neighbors? Nope. I think he's probably a pretty cool guy, I just wonder what kind of range he has as an actor. He seems to keep playing the same role. Maybe he's Tom Cruise's brother. We could call them the Brothers Rangeless.

Speaking of Stiller's, have you ever noticed his father Jerry (who played Mr. Costanza on Seinfeld) looks like an ape? I mean, I seriously think the search for the missing link is over. Oh, and if he's reading this, I love your work.I've been watching old King of Queens reruns, simply because Leah Remini is incredibly hot in them. 'Course, if you watch the show now, she looks like she ate Kirstie Alley. Oof.

I'm just waiting for Sheryl Crow's next album, because I just know it's going to SUCK. She's all happy and sappy with Lance now, and she's lost all the dark stuff inside that made her music walk and talk. I mean, tell me there's a comparison between "Soak Up The Sun" and "My Favorite Mistake". Fuhgedaboudit. Damn you, Lance. You seem like a nice dude, but you're messin' with my girl's muse.

Speaking of dark, hot, moody women, what the hell happened to Fiona Apple? I guess she didn't get my marriage proposal email. Or maybe she did, and that explains it.

Random memory from high school. One night, someone got too drunk and ended up tossin' cookies. Later, s/he (I can't even remember the gender, I just remember the quote) was going to hook up with some person, and s/he uttered this magnificent line: "I'd kiss you, but I have puke breath." I just fell over laughing thinking about that.

Ok, here are some movie lines. Let's see if you can figure them out:

"Ain't this place a geographical oddity! Two weeks from everywhere!"

"We're a generation of men raised by women. Is another woman really the answer?"

"I'm not drinking any f***** Merlot!"

"By the way, do you know you have BALLS written on your forehead?"

A'ight, peeps, I'm out for now. S-A-TUR-DAY ... NIGHT!

My life for a subject!

Friggin' subject lines. My new subject line for everything will be Re:, since that's what goes in there when it's blank. Or maybe [no subject].

Long time, no blog. Let's see, what's new. I have a new job, I'm single (again) and I've lost about 10 pounds. Not a bad trifecta, although the middle one was pretty rough. Let's just move on from that.

So, it's a little odd being on the Internet and single. Previously, if someone wanted to be a friend, it wasn't a big deal. Now, I get all skeevy and wonder if I'm being hit on. How's that for dumb? It is Friday, though, and it's going to be a good weekend. Heading out for some drinks tonight, possibly meeting up with a young lass from my gym, going to DC to hang with friends tomorrow, and chillin' on Sunday. Oh, and there's basketball on EVERY FREAKIN' DAY! YAHOO!

Bah, I don't really feel like bloggin' today. I'd much rather sing!

We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "he don't work here"
We said if you ain't got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin'

Yeah, my voice sucks.

Two incredible films I've seen recently - Sideways and Garden State. Get on it if you haven't. Dumbass.

I just got the book Bright Lights, Big City. Saw the movie years ago. Michael J Fox is the star, and it's pretty good stuff. Should be a good read.

So, there's this hoop player whose name is Pittsnoggle. Say it a couple of times. Pittsnoggle. Sounds like a character on Sesame Street.

A'ight, I'm off to enjoy the weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do (which doesn't rule out much). ;-)