Man, I cannot believe I completely whiffed on the best text message of this past weekend. I might even consider this for the text message of the year. Ready? Here 'tis ...

I drunk
home soon

Classic. With a few more syllables, it could've been some sort of drunken haiku poetry sorta thing going on there. And, hey, is there anything better than drunken haiku poetry at 12:51 in the am on a weekend? Oh, and this same person lost his/her cell phone (I'm going through many pains to protect identities here, lest I get beat up) and found it the next day in the flowers outside. How can I compete with that?

Hmm ... I'm sure I'll try soon enough.

Ok, so Svetlana on the Real World is officially off my list. Beautiful girl ... until she opens her mouth. My new top hottie is Yolanda on the Amazing Race. I'm sure Svetlana will be crushed and Yolanda will be thrilled.

Speaking of the Amazing Race, TIVO failed me! I'm in complete shock. TIVO, also known as Lord of Television and All Things Essential, didn't record the AR last week, and I missed the Boob Twins finishing last and getting tossed. Eh, it's only a matter of time before they're in Playboy anyway ... I'd imagine that some sort of alarm goes off at the Playboy mansion every time some blonde with large knockers appears in a reality show.

I started watching Brokeback Mountain this week. Got about 40 minutes in, and the DVD stopped working. Very frustrating. It's pretty rare that I'll sit down to watch an entire movie anyway. I mean, I have the attention span of a 2 year old ... wait, more like a gnat with ADD ... wait, more like ... you know something, I've already lost interest. What's next?

I've got a profile up on a couple of these dating sites. I haven't the slightest idea why ... it seemed like a fun idea when I became single again, but they all charge, and there's no way I'm paying for an online dating site. As Costanza said about parking, why should I pay for it when, if I apply myself, I can get it for free? Anyway, so one of them sends me my "matches" every week in an email, which are people they think I would click with based on my preferences ... and I'm pretty sure the last one I got was a dude. Yeah. Might be time to take those profiles down.

Cat stuff. Last night, I got to watch what I like to call the BAWM ... that stands for Big Ass Wrestling Match ... that's right, it's the BAWM! Ok, that's stupid, but it's pretty comical to watch. Basically, these usually start with one cat cleaning the other. I guess in cat world, that's akin to pouring your drink on someone's head, cuz it's usually go time right after that. I guess I can understand that ... who really wants someone else licking them? Hmm ... just got a vision of Angelina ... never mind. Let me fix that ... who wants their sister or brother licking them? Ok then.

The best part of the BAWM is they're pretty evenly matched. Batman is male, but Robin is hugely fat, so it sorta balances out. The best thing to do is sprinkle some catnip on the match, and watch it turn into a happy fest. Dopes.

MTV makes me wanna smoke crack. Man, I've been trying to find that tune, which is a fine one by Beck, for an entire week now and I've had no success. Yes, this is a cry for help. HELP!

Speaking of tunes, you retro 80s folks are driving me nuts. I mean, it's bad enough you're making me relive my developmental years with this going back to the 80s stuff, but you also pick the WORST music. Kajagoogoo? C'mon now! So, in an effort to help you out, I'm going to give you a few tunes you need to hear:

U2 - Wire
Echo and the Bunnymen - Lips Like Sugar
Nails - 88 Lines About 44 Women
The Cars - Bye Bye Love
John Mellencamp - Ain't Even Done With The Night
Billy Idol - Shooting Stars

I'm also the world's biggest Big Country fan - a greatly underrated group. Actually, I think I'm the only one.

Drink on in 8 hours!