Clinkers!
I read this weird book when I was a kid, about some girl who was having trouble figuring out her personality (you know, like Peter on The Brady Bunch ... pork chops and applesauce!). Anyway, at some point, she was using the work CLINKERS! as a sort of cuss word. Dunno. It's got a good beat, but kinda hard to dance to. I'm partial to BAM myself, which stands for Bitch Ass Mutha.

Saw a fairly funny Blind Date last night. This nerdy guy was set up with some lady, and he had a pretty bad case of flop sweat. Felt kinda sorry for him, but he did have one good point. He was talking about how he notices how many people view his profile but never contact him. So, there are 36 of you out there that are just LURKERS! STALKERS! Creepin' me out! We need blinds in this joint!

Hiring an air conditioning contractor in the middle of May is akin to telling a woman you have herpes in the middle of a bar. I don't have herpes, and I don't have any A/C. BAM!

"I ... hate ... everything about you. Why do I love you?" Dunno who sings that song, but it pretty much sums it up, eh?

So, we're at the Wal Mart the other day. I'm holding a heavy ass new battery for my car because chicky forgot to turn off the lights (note the beeping noise when you get out of the car!). Anyway, it's a fairly long line in the EXPRESS lane, and some dumbass up front has about 30 items. I'm pretty sure that's a justifiable homicide right there. I'm starting to think that maybe we should just make that a law. If someone does something that is infinitely rude and obnoxious, you can kill them. I'm talking on my cell phone in the middle of the gym. Blam! Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme. How about you can limit their reality TV watching? I'm turning right very slowly in my car, but not using my turn signal. No more American Idol for you this week!

Today's song that makes me want to top myself is the above mentioned tune. It's now in my head.

I've started calling my drive home the Cicada Death Toll. I haven't gotten in double figures yet, but I think it's coming. I actually feel kinda bad for them. They're all over the highway, just getting pummelled. They make a really odd sound during the day, too. I keep looking around for the mothership, and expecting the probe. They do make really nice spots on the windshield, though. Really big ones that take about 1/2 a bottle of fluid. Nice.

I ... hate ... everything about ... BAM! Get outta my head!

Is there anything freakier than being woken up by the house alarm? It's happened to me twice in a week. It's like your dead asleep, then suddenly you're thrown into the middle of a horror movie. Strange, strange stuff. Both times, it's just gone off for no reason, too, which is REALLY reassuring.

Off to the Memorial Weekend fun fiesta.

- Just heard REM "Don't Go Back to Rockville" on Muzak while on hold. I have some weird knack for being able to recognize Muzak songs. I'll be walking in the supermarket, suddenly, Prince - "1999". Not sure if it's a marketable skill or not.

- Just can't party like I used to. Turned it up a notch on Friday this past weekend, and I was in bed asleep by 11:00 on Saturday. Oh, and don't rent the movie "The Cooler". William H Macy naked is not something you want to sleep on. Oy.

- I have the world's greatest cell phone. On my ride to work today, I noticed that I had a new message, which wasn't there the night before. Upon checking it, I found that it was a message from Saturday night from a buddy who wanted to go grab a drink. Thanks, celly! That's quality. 'Course, since I was in bed by 11, I'm not sure it really mattered.

- I got the absolute worst haircut in the history of my lifetime on Friday, and that includes the ones I gave to myself when I was 10. Every single hair is the same length. I look kinda like a Chia pet, although a Chia pet has better head hair coverage. On that same note, is there anything worse than the feeling after a bad haircut? I kept going over and over in my head where I went wrong in my directions to the cutter. 'Twasn't her fault, I screwed up the directions and didn't pay attention. Once I realized what was going on with my head, 'twas too late. C'est la vie. Luckily, I have a lot of hats.

- Remember spring? I don't. It's been about 3 years since there has been one around here. A week or so ago it was chilly and rainy, now it's about 80 degrees and sweaty hot. If we're going to fast forward seasons, who forgot to vote for winter?

- This just in - cats really dig hot, sweaty weather. Basically, they turn into rugs on my hardwood floors. They spread out as much as possible, and barely move. They do tend to get a bit pissed when I wipe my feet on them, and they don't like to be vacuumed. Tip o' the day.

- Survivor hasn't just jumped the shark, it's been eaten by one. Watched the finale and reunion last night - horrendous. Watching adults behave like children gets kinda old after a bit, I suppose. Luckily, I have TIVO, so I only wasted 2 hours of my life instead of the 3 it took you Muggles to watch it in real time.

- Today's Song That Is Stuck In My Head And Nearly Causing Me To Top Myself: "Something So Strong" by ... hell, I can't even remember the name of the band. Crowded House, I think. Yesterday was "Music" by Madonna. The only thing that kept me from slitting my wrists because of those songs being in my head was the thought that the song would be the last thought in my mind before I died. Hey, I killed myself because of this certain tune, and as I went out, the tune was boppin' away in my head! Brilliant!

- Have I mentioned that I don't like nice weather during the week? I have? Well, I'm doing it again to make sure you get it. Well, today it just LOOKS nice ... it's actually kinda cold. So ha! to all of you happy weather people. To use an 80s term on you for when you get all happy and run outside in your shorts today ... PSYCHE!

- I watched part of Mask last night. How much do you think Eric Stoltz's head weighed with all that makeup on it? I mean, that head was huge, mate! These are the thoughts I get when I watch movies.

- Also, checked out Unbreakable by M Night. Man, that's a quality underrated film in my book. Yeah, it's kinda slow and plodding in parts, but overall, I like it a great deal.

- Skinemax has been cancelled in my house. I didn't want to get into triple digits for the number of times I've seen Panic Room or Catch Me If You Can. Bend It Like Beckham is coming on this month. Think they'll overdo that one? I'm guessing you could change the name of Cinemax to Benditlikebeckhammax and no one would blink an eye.

- There's this column done by a guy named Dan Savage that is in our City Paper here every week. Now, if you haven't seen the column, well, it deals with some pretty heavy and graphic sexual stuff. Pretty comical the majority of the time, too. My favorite thing to do is to read it at the gym, then leave the paper open to that page. It's always good to see people open their minds, especially on the stairmaster.

- Why can't cereal be a friggin' meal? It's quite possibly the easiest thing to make in the history of the world. A close second is cheese wrapped in the cellophane slices, but you run the risk of injury when unwrapping those. Oh, and Pez. Remember how pissed you would get when you'd be trying to load the Pez dispenser, and it would snap shut and cause a shower of Pez. $*%*! Pez!

- For those with cats, isn't it the coolest when you're watching a spooky movie in your house alone, and suddenly your cat sits straight up, stares into an adjacent dark room, then bolts? Quite comforting, that.

- Just finished Porno by Irvine Welsh. Possibly his best work, and a nice little sequel to Trainspotting. Also, another good book to read at the gym. It garners some really interesting looks when folks see the title.