Ok, starting this one off with cat talk. You non-cat people (aka Commies) or those that are allergic (aka wimpy squirrels) can skip down. So, I'm chilling the other night, and suddenly there's a HUGE ruckus in the house. Cats flying around everywhere. I felt like I was in the middle of the cat Indianapolis 500 or something. The problem? A moth. Yup, that's it. So, here's my imitation of a cat's mind during Moth Time:

Hey, hey, HEY HEY HEY THERE'S A MOTH!! GET IT GET IT GET IT! MOTH! MOTH! MOTH!

[stops to clean left haunch where it bumped into a human]

GET IT GET IT MOTH GET IT MOTH!!

I also was jumped over at least 3 times as I was lumping up the couch. I felt like a hoop or something.

Also, I wrote a new cat song. You heard me. Check it out ...

CAT
C ... C you real soon
A ... absolutely!
T ... son of a ... someone puked on the futon again. Now I have to take off the cover, lug it downstairs, and wash it. Screw this, I'm going drinking. You fur-headed, butt-lickin' marmots can feed yourselves.

Hmm ... guess it still needs some work.

So, this is fairly comical. I ordered some Chinese for takeout, and when I went to pick it up, there was this little dude behind the counter working. I'm guessing he was around 8. I think they were showing him how to run the register ... they start 'em young in the Chinese restaurants, I s'pose. So, I pay, and he gives me back $5 too much. Not the best start for the kid. I hand it back to him and say "I think this is yours." He gets all fired up, and pockets it. I think he thought I was tipping him for being unable to make correct change. Ha! Atta boy, stick it to The Man! 'Course, The Man is probably his father, but whatever.

I've mentioned this ab machine at the gym before - you toss a ball, and it comes back to you, and you toss it again. Ok, really bad description, but that's not the point. The point is it pulls down my shorts, so I'm giving everyone a view of my ... uh ... coin slot? Yeah. It's a visual. Try not to hurt yourself getting it.

It's been awhile since I wrote, so I'll try to catch you up on what I've been doing. I went to Dewey Beach a couple of times over the summer. For you non-locals, the nickname of this place is Do Me Beach, which is pretty much the perfect nickname. It's a lot of drinking and ... mmm ... drinking. And then there's the drinking part. Anyway, here's what I remember of my visits there ...

...
... hang on, I think I've got something
... mmm, nope
...

Yeah. Well, anyway, there's a lot of drinking there, if you haven't already figured that out. I also came to the conclusion that Jell-O shots are like hand grenades. You do them, and then they hit you later ... like hours later. The fun is, by the time they hit you, you've forgotten you did them, so it's a real surprise!

Was at a party way back when, and they had organic vodka at it. Yup, that's exactly what I need ... "healthy" booze.

I have a bunch of notes in my phone, and I don't have the slightest idea what most of them mean. I'm sure you're surprised. A couple cracked me up, though:

"Moving stools for tools." Hmm. I'm pretty sure this had something to do with moving around barstools for some dorks. That, or I was doing carpentry work on my bathroom. Anyway.

"Portside back door space time continuum." The fact that I was able to type this correctly after drinking is impressive enough. I have no idea what it means. I'm pretty sure Doc from Back To The Future was involved, though.

"Large group of women dancing to P.Y.T. and blocking the bar." Ok, I think I can figure that one out. Seriously, P.Y.T.? Wait, no, who cares about that ... seriously, blocking the bar?! C'mon now, look sharp!

"Stripes down, stripes sideways." Had to be an outfit at the Bay Cafe. Had to.

"I thought you put botox on your hips so your butt wouldn't jiggle!" Oh yeah, I definitely remember this one. We were on a bus in Ocean City, and the topic was Botox, and that's what the bus driver said. She also looked a lot like Alice from the Brady Bunch. True story.

"All white girl dance floor." Um ... ok. I'll let you figure out that one ...