Ok, what levers, buttons, and pulleys are the people in my head fiddling with that cause me to wake up this morning with a Fleetwood Mac song in my head? Seriously, I need some answers here. I feel like I should go get a CAT scan or something.

Let's start this off quickly ... new additions to the category of things you should never do:

- Send text messages while shaving. Seems like a no brainer, eh? Well, I've been accused of having no brain ... and I also have no left chin now. Bloody hell! What's the best way to get blood out of a cell phone?

- Ok, I have three cats. Is there any logical reason why I would trek to the bathroom in the dark without socks on after giving them catnip? Wait ... I forgot the kicker ... every time I give them catnip, someone hurls. I'm assuming it's a cat. Either that, or Lindsay Lohan is sneaking into my house after a binge. I think I just disturbed myself with my own thoughts.

Things I learned while on vacation in Myrtle Beach:

- If I have a couch, a huge TV, and the ocean right outside my window, I'm good to go without a word to say. Fuhgedaboudit.

- Amazing as this may sound, it's not a good idea to eat at a buffet restaurant that has a giant crab outside named Tommy who is wearing a sailor's hat. You'd think I would've known this already. Not so much. It's even better when the bill comes, and it's a good bit more than you expected it to be. Score!

- Cooking Thanksgiving dinner while drunk is great fun. So is watching football on TV with the ocean right outside the window. Did I mention that already?

- I'll pretty much eat anything pumpkin flavored. Insert your own joke there.

- My next house is going to have two kitchens. Oh, and the ocean right outside the window. I guess I should throw in a maid and a butler while I'm in dream mode. And lots of Pez.

- When in doubt, buy the big bottle of Captain Morgan's. The Handle.

- Rural South Carolina can be scenic and a tad scary at the same time. It's a fascinating ride. Kind of like a combination of a beautiful painting and the movie Deliverance. What a stunning view! You sho' got a purty mouth.

My monitor is on the fritz. It's about to blow, so to fix it, I punch it. I'm not kidding, and yes, I am that stupid. You didn't know that already. No more questions out of you! So, anyway, it actually works ... for now.

Dog breeds I'd like to see ...

A mastiff and a poodle ... a moodle!
A chihuahua and a pitbull ... you'd have a high strung little twerp of a dog that could kick some serious ass.

During the morning ritual at my house, the cats manage to work themselves into a complete frenzy when they realize it's breakfast time. Gotta say, it would be pretty cool if I got that excited about my meals:

ALL RIGHT! IT'S LUNCHTIME!!
[hiss at dude on the stairs]
GET OUT OF MY WAY, IT'S TIME TO EAT!!
[bump old lady out of the way in the line at the deli]

Then once I finished my lunch, I'd go over and start eating off of someone else's plate ... and make sure I lick it clean.

So, I'm showering this morning, and I generally like to brush my teeth while showering. Not to save time, mind you - it's more than I'm all about keeping my cleaning rituals to one big session so that I don't miss the reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard. Hmm, I guess that is to save time. Anyway, this morning, I tossed my toothbrush into the sink when I was done, and it popped out and landed right in the trash. If that isn't an omen, I don't know what is.

Your music recommendations for tonight (no, it's not Fleetwood Mac - you're a real comedian!):

"Missing" by Beck
"Once In Awhile" by Charlie Sexton
"Ballad of the Beaconsfield Miners" by the Foo Fighters

Seriously, we all know I have a huge man crush on Dave Grohl, and I know just enough about playing the guitar to ... well, since my simile/metaphor section is on vacation, let's just say I don't know that much ... but that's a great tune with some fantastic guitar playin'.

I'm at the gym watching one of the 10 TVs, and here's what I see on this one show:

- a tomato
- a cucumber or a pickle wearing a baseball cap (I'm leaning towards pickle, because it just makes me snicker to think about it)
- what may have been a stalk of celery with a mustache and a captain's hat (no, not a Captain Morgan's hat ... don't I wish!)
- an onion wearing a floppy hat

All, naturally, were talking vegetables ... with lids ... wait, except the tomato. For some reason, the tomato was sans hat. Lidless, as it were. They were also organizing some mass production of chocolate rabbits. I figure either it's some sort of weird show, or someone put heroin in my pop tarts. Since I live in Baltimore, either situation has equal probability.

I'm putzing around on Myspace the other day, and there's this woman who has a username of "******* Magnet." I'm using the asterisks because this is a family blog ... well, except when I'm talking about hooters or Kiana or Kiana's hooters, which is most of the time. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I'll give you a hint - that word starts with an A and rhymes with manhole. Hmm ... actually, it doesn't rhyme with manhole. It's probably pretty obvious by now that I missed my dose of Ritalin today, too.

So, I'm thinking ... let's say you're interested in this woman. You're pretty much screwed ... or not screwed, depending on your intentions. If you contact her ... well, I'm not sure about the properties of magnets, but I believe they attract things sometimes ... and she's the type that attracts things that almost rhyme with manhole. If you don't contact her, well, there ya go. Unscrewed. So, a fine choice of user names! Seriously, I'm not the only person that figures this stuff out, right?

My favorite bar, Portside, is turning 3 this weekend. If you really want to know how whack I am, consider this - last year, I was considering buying the bar a present for its birthday. You heard me. I was thinking maybe a nice picture for the wall, or something along those lines. I would've bought it a bottle of Captain Morgan's, but I was worried someone else might get the same thing, and how embarrassed would I have been then? In the end, I didn't do it ... probably because my tab at Portside was too high.

I'm going to clean out my basement next week. It should be a blast. Considering that I'm (1) pretty much afraid of spiders and (2) pretty much afraid of basements, it's going to be quite the thrill. Plus, I've got all of these "valuables" down there that I have to find a home for:

- a box full of VHS tapes. I mean, did the VCR go by the wayside in something like 2 weeks, or did I just fall asleep for a decade? I might have a hard time finding a buyer for "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey," which is highly underrated, by the by. "You have sank my battleship." Excellent! That's right, I just made the guitar riff noise/move just like Bill and Ted do.

- a box full of cassette tapes. Ok, I didn't sleep through that decade, but I still have 'em. As a bonus, I also have a box of "cassingles," which were about as popular as Richard Simmons at a Hell's Angels rally. If you don't know, cassingles were singles on cassette. It's also kind of wacky to just say cassingles. Try it. See? To give you an idea of my musical tastes of the time, I believe one of them is "Mercedes Boy" by Pebbles. Bam!

- Brian Bosworth's autobiography. 'Nuff said. And, yes, I read it. And, yes, I felt dumber after reading it. Thanks for playing, Bri!

- a poster of Sting (uh ... ok).

- a dining room chair ... not a set, mind you, just one chair. Before you ask, I haven't the slightest idea how I managed to have just one chair. I'm telling you, being me is an acquired skill.

I'm sure I'll have more to add to this list after the deed is done ... if I don't get kidnapped by spiders.

The new cat has a blistering case of "I Have To Be In The Next Room NOW" syndrome. Cat owners right now are nodding their heads and doing their impression of the Kool Aid man - oh yeah! 'Course, they're also picking cat hair out of their sandwich while nodding. Anyway, I believe the proper vet/medical term for this is What The Frick Syndrome or WTFS. It has to be, because that's my reaction when it happens. I also imagine her sprinting because she's late to a cat meeting:

Tiz: Sorry I'm late
Batman: No prob. Now, to business. Human Dude has been sleeping past our feeding time on certain days. This must be rectified.
Robin: I thought there was going to be food at this meeting? [note from me ... Robin's a tad chubby]
Tiz: Well, we've been waking him up at 6 am every ... hang on a sec ... ack ack ... [hurls on bed] ... sorry ... hairball [the others nod approvingly and admire the skill of doing it on the bed] ... um, every morning, isn't that enough?
Robin: Is that a kibble under your paw?
Batman: Not good enough. I propose a screeching fight at the corner of the bed around 7 every day until the feeding schedule is back on track.
Tiz: Done and done.
Robin: Did someone say feeding schedule?

So, I was working a dog event recently, and we had this li'l Jack Russell terrier whose name was ... "Moo Shu." Um. Ok, I might be a little nuts, but I think there's something a little heinky about naming your dog and/or cat after a Chinese dish. Just a thought. In related news, I also wouldn't name: ...

... my pet horse "Elmer"
... my pet cow "Brisket"
... my pet chicken "Cordon Bleu"

You get the idea.

I just found out that ESPN Classic is airing re-runs of Kiana's Flex Appeal. This show, along with Marcia Brady, Wonder Woman, and every episode of Fantasy Island, helped get me through puberty (ok, puberty lasted over 10 years for me ... so sue me). Gotta say, if the women in my gym dressed like the women on this show, I'd be in phenomenal shape, cuz I'd never leave. Today, she had on this tiny top with a black leather vest. You heard me ... black ... leather ... vest. 'Course, the dude she was working out with had on red leather pants and a gray tank top. Suffice it to say, if a dude came into my gym wearing that outfit, I'd either have to move to another country or become a priest. Just sayin'.

So, there's this television writer's strike going on. Naturally, my first question is how can you tell? I'm guessing the folks at VH1 aren't too bothered by it. I'm convinced they've set up a program on their computer that just randomly generates shows about the 80s - I Remember the 80s, Top 108 Songs of the 80s, I Got Herpes in the 80s, etc. Every now and then, they toss in a 90s or a 70s just to screw us up ... and to get yet another look at those sweet mustaches and bell bottoms from the 70s. I can't wait for 20 years from now, when they have to figure out how to handle this decade. Remember the Aughts!

Naturally, I'm watching one of these shows the other night. Yes, I have no shame. Pipe down! At one point, they're talking to Thomas Dolby, and he mentions that Kevin Federline illegally sampled the music from one of his songs. He goes on to note that he listened to it, didn't think it was very good (shocker!), so he issued a cease and desist order. Too bad we can't get Fergie, Brittney, and Ashley Simpson to illegally sample some Thomas Dolby. Hey, I can dream!

Is there anything more embarrassing than falling off the treadmill at the gym? I haven't managed to do it myself - as has been noted before, the only time I run is if the liquor store is closing or the ice cream truck misses my block - but I've seen it happen a number of times. It's always loud, it's always a bit scary, and the perp's iPod or whatever always seems to end up in pieces and on the other side of the room.

Speaking of ice cream trucks, the ones in the city are a hoot. They run late into the night, and "snowballs" are $25. Hmm.

They have these automated paper towel dispensers where I work. It's fairly obvious that the same people that make the hand dryer that doesn't come anywhere close to drying your hands made these machines as well. They give you just enough towel to ... you guessed it ... not quite dry your hands. I mean, is there anything better than being almost satisfied? I'm sure every girl I dated in college could answer that one.

Recommendation time. Got two of 'em for ya.

1) If you dig 80s music, check out a song called "Two More Years" by Bloc Party. It's a recent band, but the song sounds like it could've been on the Last American Virgin soundtrack or something (now there's an obscure 80s reference for ya). Naturally, it's been in my head for over a week now ... stupid head! It's good stuff.

2) If you don't like food, don't go to Georgie's in Canton. It's on Boston Street, next to the Gin Mill - kind of a quaint little place that's easy to miss. I've been twice, and both times have ridden the flavor train all the way to Pleasantville. Yeah, I don't know what that means, either, but it's pretty friggin' good food.